To summarize the situation, I was in a long-term (many years) relationship with a man that was mostly great but ofcourse like all relationships had its share of problems, one of the big ones being sex and the crux of that problem being me not wanting as much as him. This disparity led eventually to a situation where I was having sex just because he wanted, to a point where I cried after having it because I did not enjoy it at all. The argument about sex was one to reoccur throughout the years, and how it usually went was that he complained about it not being enough, I got defensive, we argued, I cried, I said I'll try to be more sexual and managed for a while but because it wasn't natural for me, it sort of dried out and cue repeat from step A. About two years ago I also met I girl who I really fell for and it triggered in me this sort of understanding that I really am not straight (I always kinda knew, just never met a girl I would have been interested in) and this urge to have a relationship with a woman sparked in me and has only got stronger since. This combined with some other issues we had led to us breaking up. But ever since (it has been over a year) it has been ever more difficult. I love him dearly, I just can't have a (sexual) relationship with him; we tried to rekindle but it just didn't work, because of me and my unwillingness to go back to a situation where I am bending my sexuality to meet his needs. I have no desire to have a penis anywhere near me; I fantasize about girls and would like to express and explore this side of my identity. This has pushed him into a depression, he is hurt beyond words and it pours out on me. He tells me he is self-destructive, that he is depressed, waiting for me to come back. He says I have broke his self-confidence, that he doesn't even feel like a person anymore, that he just wants to die. He seems to think that because I had a sexual attraction to him before there is no possibility I am gay, and since I am bi we could be together. And the thing is that I don't know how long I can carry both his pain and my own over the end of the relationship - because ofcourse I mourn it, I still love him. I have plunged into depression myself, I used to be very in control of my life but now I feel like I am spiralling, I drink too much, get high, I cannot sleep and I have thoughts of killing myself so he wouldn't have to deal with me being around. I know it is not healthy and I would like to get professional help but I can't afford it. I feel so selfish for being the way I am, and the guilt of what I am doing to him is just so much it it sometimes difficult to breathe.
It's not about your sexuality. It's about control. Trying to guilt you into doing as you are told. Do this or I will hurt myself. I've been there. Walk away. Now. You have to protect yourself because he is not going to.
He is not being evil or manipulative.. He is just genuinely fallen into a deep depression and it hurts me that I hurt him and caused this pain.
I get that. But he is transferring it all over to you. He should be concerned about what he is doing to you. Right now, it's all about him. And you need to be all about you. You need to look after yourself. He will cope. It'll be hard. But he will.
If he is suffering, it is his reaction and you should not feel the guilt. He should see things from your perspective too. A few sessions of couples counselling might be a great way to part on a level footing and even stay as friends. Is that feasible??
In theory I understand this to be true - that he shouldn't pour it on me - but haven't I deserved it? Isn't it me who is causing all of this?
No. It's not. Seriously. It's his inability to accept you for who you are that is the problem. He wants you to be someone else, the person he expects you to be. They are his issues, and not your fault.
Sorry to hear about your suffering and all that... But there is no reason to feel guilty. Really, you shouldn't feel guilty about it. You two wanted different things in the relationship and it didn't work out for you. There is nothing wrong with wanting different things, and there is nothing wrong with not wanting that much sex - and you deserve a partner who accepts that. Sure it may be hard to see him desperate and depressed, also because you loved him. But it's a hard time for you too and now you should focus on yourself and on getting happy again. Try to get back on track, find your way, take your time. Everything will get better and it will hurt less. (*hug*)
Please understand, you have nothing to feel guilty about! Think of it as more distance- if you took an internship in Australia or something and he physically could not come with you, you two would face the same problem: you still love eachother but it just wouldn't work out. Reassure him that everyone bounces back from this over time, but I agree with the above and you should focus on yourself- one human cannot cope with the grief of two people. There is nothing to be guilty about the way you feel any more than he should be guilty about watching porn or something. It's just who you are. Good luck x
Hi Apollonia. Glad u felt comfortable enough to share all of that. I agree with the other comments. No one is going to take care of YOU except you. You can't help how u feel/your sexuality. Thats how your God/Goddess made you and s/he made you perfectly. He has to do his own internal work. We each do our own work. Its hard to let go of others that I love and take care of me but I've been miserable in the past when trying to fix/heal others. I just don't have that power. I will send up healing thoughts for u both. Please message me if I can be of any help. Hang in there it will get better (*hug*)
I think I personally would have dumped the guy MUCH before you, Love so you don't have to feel guilty at all. Your relationship seems to have revolved around HIS needs the entire time. During the while you were together he has made NO effort to try and see things from your perspective and instead winged and cried to pressure you into sex. That alone is massively wrong no one should pressure you or anyone into sex. :***: He is the one who ruined your relationship by pressuring you to do things you didn't feel comfortable doing instead of admitting to himself that you had different needs and weren't meant to work. You did the hard job but it was the right thing to do. The fact that he is now trying to pressure you into coming back with him by doing the same winging and crying that he used to get sex proves that he hasn't even learnt anything from your break up and definitely hasn't changed yet. You did the best thing by leaving him for the both of you. He may hurt now and you may not realize it yet but you definitely made yourself a favour. You deserve better than a guy who will watch you cry and still pressure you into sex, you also deserve better than a guy who will threaten you to hurt himself in order to force you back into a relationship that doesn't make you happy, and finally, you deserve better than a man who will deny your sexuality in order to fulfil his own needs ( having you back). Love is supposed to be about much more than what this guy has offered you so far, it's about listening, understanding, compromising and I unfortunately don't think your ex have been able to do any of those things. Don't feel bad because he is hurting and pretending that his pain is stronger than yours, it's not. They are different and yours shouldn't be brushed off because he feels he has it worse. He didn't care when you were hurting because of the sex issues since he insisted you did it anyway, why should you put yourself into deeper suffering to fit, once again, his needs ? Keep your head up and hang in there, you did the right thing and what needed to be down and can only give yourself a pat on the bag for that !(*hug*)
First of all, I can't say that I've been in your exact or even approximately similar situation, so please forgive me if what I say is somehow out of place. However, I have experienced a relationship where the means of making me stay were guilt, making me feel like I was the "bad guy" in the relationship, and making me feel like the other person's needs and emotions were far more important than my own. Now I know they're not. About half-way through the relationship, I was convinced that I was a selfish, jealous, insecure person who was somehow broken and needed to get "fixed." Otherwise, I would hurt my partner too much. Thus convinced, I made an appointment with a therapist, asking her to help me change. Thankfully, she saw through the smokescreen, taught me to consider my own needs, and to take responsibility for them. To echo her advice, which made a huge difference to me, I would ask you to consider your own needs. Maybe seeing a therapist will be of help to you, too. Seeing a therapist might give you the mental space you need, a break where you can look yourself in the eye and ask whether you are truly giving yourself what you deserve. When ridden with guilt, it's not easy to make a sound judgment from your own perspective. Try to think, instead, of the person you love the most in the entire world. What would you ask them to do if they told you they were in a relationship dynamic like this? And then try to do what you would ask of them. On another note, have you talked to that girl you fell for two years ago? Do you know if she is into women, too?
