Hi all, I haven't been a regular visitor lately but feel like I need some support or discernment around an issue. I am bi, in my late 40s, divorced for almost three years from a woman, and started with male-to-male intimacy in 2014 after being celibate for nearly 3 years. I have been seeing a nice guy since July 2014. We met online, and have been "hooking up" with sleepovers about 2 to 3 times a month. The sex is great -- I like having a steady partner who knows me well sexually and who I know too. The intimacy is also great (cuddling, kissing, conversation) and we share many interests and laughs. But ... he's made it clear he's not in this for a serious long-term relationship and that he's always terminated relationships. I've made it clear previously that I'd be interested in exploring something more emotionally attached, and I thought I made peace with things just as they are. This morning (after a night together) he made a comment about people having discovered love/ltrs in serendipitous and spontaneous ways, and asked "Why doesn't that happen to me?" and then tried to save face a bit by saying "well I can talk about you (using nickname for me)." I have to admit part of me cringed -- I felt second-best and not good enough for an ltr with him in his view, although I know the rules we're operating by. And this stirs up old emotional business for me. My ex broke things off w/ me by initiating our separation/divorce after nearly 20 years together. Why do I put myself in these situations? It's been good on some levels because I am gradually coming out as bi, but it makes me feel like I'm repeating old patterns of putting myself second in relationships or willing to involved when it's good enough but not the best for the other person. Any thoughts or opinions out there? Thanks!!!
I think the part in bold nails it. I'm still dealing with myself (coming out/whatnot) at 38 and I can look back and see when my repeated choices led to similar repeated outcomes. We (men) are raised that a selfish man is a "bad man" and the line between healthy self love and narcissism is sometimes only drawn in retrospect. As to the situation/relationship, it sounds like he's using you and you rather not let him go. So why not use him? That being, date and look for "real romance" while keeping the support of a "sure thing." Granted that's a different morality but if you need more you need more. PC
Thanks for your input. Yes, I've been thinking about this same approach. Part of me wants to explore more dating w/ other potential partners. I have had other hookups to be sure but I find myself wanting to be in the comfort of a developing relationship. He has told me that I should be trying things out w/ other guys, too. I am not the best candidate for being in a poly relationship.
Yes, he's respectful and calls me adorable -- and yes, the good sex makes it harder to sort things out. Would be easier if he was a lousy lay -- although I know that sounds superficial!
Your partner seems like a reasonably nice guy who has been totally upfront about the limits of your relationship. He's been very clear that he does not want a LTR. The question is what do you want? If you want a LTR, then you should be fishing somewhere else. If you want regular, enjoyable sex, then enjoy what you have. If you want to have your cake and eat it too, that can work until you find Mr. Right (!) Just be as forthright with your partner as he has been with you.
