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I think I'm a lesbian, but I have a boyfriend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ingtheunicorn, Sep 21, 2015.

  1. ingtheunicorn

    Regular Member

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    So I'm a 21 year old female. In the past I've dated a few guys. But the relationships always felt uncomfortable, particularly the physical stuff. I ended my last relationship because it didn't feel "right", thought it was just not the right guy for me and moved on. 2 months ago I started going out with a new guy, a really good friend of mine. He's incredibly sweet and really into me. At first it was nice, but now it doesn't feel right either. Whenever he touches me - kissing, holding hands, spooning, massage, anything! - it makes me uncomfortable to the point that I start avoiding physical contact with him.

    First I thought that he just wasn't right for me and that the long distance - he lives in a different city to me and we see each other twice a month-ish - was too hard. But then an old thought popped into my head. In the past 6 or so years I've sometimes thought I might be gay. All my close relationships are with females, I've sometimes been attracted to girls etc. But I didn't think much of it at the time. Now I'm seriously thinking I'm a lesbian, and that's why my relationships haven't felt right. I feel pretty sure about this, now the only problem is that I have a boyfriend who I think really loves me. I have no idea how to end it, knowing that it'll break his heart. I'm also scared, because ending it for that reason would mean a huge change in my life and would mean I'd have to come out to more people, and I don't know if I'm ready for that. And I'm also worried that I'm wrong, maybe I'm not a lesbian? I'm confused but the more I think about it, the more I think I'm gay.

    Can any kind person offer advice about this or a similar situation? I would be incredibly grateful!

    Thank you.
     
  2. SnowshoeGeek

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    Welcome to EC! I'm fairly new here myself but I'll offer my two cents' worth... I do not see how pain and difficulty can be avoided for those of us who don't fit the hetero-mold - but then, pain and difficulty can't be avoided by anyone. :slight_smile: So - I am not sure that ending that relationship has to mean a huge change in your life. It is also possible to end it just to have some time to yourself to ponder these things, without coming out, without meeting someone new. Just to be free of distractions or a feeling of being obligated to be heterosexual.

    But, it's also possible to talk it over with this guy, see how he feels about letting you explore. Having had an open relationship for a long stretch in my past, I tend to support keeping people in one's life when at all possible. It doesn't make things simple or pretty but it can be an alternative to just abandoning people (which is what I did when I tried the strictly monogamous route.)

    There are a lot of awesome people here, including many other women who are currently involved with men and struggling with your same questions. Hang in there and keep posting - I hope you find your answers here!
     
  3. fxngirl

    fxngirl Guest

    We're on the same boat! I'll tell you my experience so you can see if you can relate to it.
    I'm struggling with this problem too because I admitted to myself that I have feelings for this guy, but I know I'll never be able to go further with him because the thought of having sex with a guy freaks me out. He said he's okay with me liking girls and he suggested we just go with the flow and see what happens, and he also said that maybe, in the future, I might find out I actually won't mind having sex with a guy. I don't see that happening, though, because even though I've never had sex, I'm completely fine with the idea of having sex with a girl, while I'm not at the thought of having sex with a guy.
    I was thinking I might be biromantic homosexual, but there's no actual proof of the distinction between sexual and romantic orientation, so I don't know. I might be homoflexible (Kinsey 5), but again, my heterosexual behavior, other than rare, would also be limited to kissing.

    I can't give you any advice because, as you can see, I'm trying to figure out what I am as well, but I hope I helped a little!
     
  4. alli o

    alli o Guest

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    My advice is tell him the truth it might be hard to do but I feel like it may hurt him less because he will know it was nothing he did or for a matter of fact didn't do it is just because well you aren't attracted to men and then just ask him to keep it to himself and hope he is a nice guy that will keep a secret till you are ready to tell more people
     
  5. Kelleigh

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    My advice is to break this off. It'll only get harder and more hurtful the longer you are together. You don't owe anyone any explanation as to why you didn't think the two of you were right for each other. You don't have to come out just because you break up with him.

    I don't think I'd go to dating men again. I'd say to try dating a girl and see where that leads. If it turns out that physical affection is uncomfortable no matter which sex you're with, then that's another whole issue entirely.

    Best -

    Kel
     
  6. blueshadedsoul

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    I think you should be honest with him. If I were you I'd try to experiment with girls, or just explore that aspect & give it serious thought. You need to know how you feel about being with a girl to figure out your sexuality properly. I understand your point, but it's not fair for him either, & no matter what conclusion you get to about your sexual orientation, you are clearly not happy with him. But don't feel pressured to come out to other people until you are ready.
     
  7. mallix

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    I used to be in a similar situation. I would date guys, one in particular I really liked but when it got down to physical stuff, I never felt comfortable, or well the thought of sex with a guy never turned me on.
    I thought i was gay for a long time, I made a friend with a lesbian who eventually liked me and I thought.. what do i have to lose? being with her seemed to fit.

    Be honest with your bf about your thoughts so that he doesn't feel like in the dark, and maybe give yourself the opportunity to experiment to see whether you are bi or lesbian. Otherwise you may be questioning it for a long time.
     
  8. ingtheunicorn

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    I'm so overwhelmed by all of your replies, so thank you. They were a huge, huge help, and it's so comforting knowing other people were in this position. I have ended things with him, and am now going to focus on exploring what this means for me, and dating/experimenting with girls.

    Another question, would anyone care to share how long they waited to come out to the close people in their lives? I obviously want to explore this and work through it on my own for a little bit before I start to come out to my friends and family, but just want to hear how it was for others.

    Thank you all, so, so, much!
     
  9. fxngirl

    fxngirl Guest

    The first person I came out to was one of my closest friends and it happened back in June, so about six months after I started questioning. I was just sick of the situation I was in, because there was this guy that was so into me and I just couldn't do it, it didn't feel right. Unfortunately, this guy overheard me coming out to my friend, so he found out as well. He was upset and he didn't talk to me for a few days, but then we sorted things out.

    After that I started coming out to a few of my other close friends, but I'm not out to all of them yet because I know they would be judgmental, not because they're homophobic, but because they wouldn't take me seriously, since I've had things going on with this guy that I have feelings for. I had a friend telling me that I can't be sure I'm gay until I fall for a girl, and the guy with whom I had this complicated situation told me I can't be sure I'm not straight until I have sex with a guy.

    This pissed me off like crazy, so I suggest you come out first to people who you're sure won't be judgmental and won't try to tell you what you are. You and only you are entitled to define your sexual orientation. If you don't wanna tell some of your friends, just don't. Just come out without actually coming out to them.
     
    #9 fxngirl, Sep 22, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 22, 2015