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I am so Confused I need someone to talk to

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by ForeverGreen, Sep 20, 2015.

  1. ForeverGreen

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    Hi,

    I am new to this website and new to this whole concept.. And I don't know anybody in the real world to talk with about this, so I thought I would give the internet community a go.

    I am a twenty year old college student and I am about 90% sure I'm gay. But, the thing is, I haven't always been. I mean I still don't even know if I am and I want to tell you guys about myself and my experiences and see what my next step should be.

    I've had about three girlfriends in my life, all of them just seemed like they were missing something. I've had sex once (with a girl) and it was okay... And ever since then I haven't had.. or even sought after a relationship or even physical interaction with anyone. I haven't kissed anyone in a good 8 months.

    And lately, I just feel like I'm into guys and it gets me so excited. I keep fantasizing about going down on another guy and it turns me crazy on... like getting hard typing this - crazy.

    But how can that happen? Like truly how can someone just change from straight to gay? Like is that normal, I've heard you're born gay too?.. so I'm confused and can't tell if I'm reading signs that aren't there.

    But I don't know what to do! When I watch porn, I normally just watch straight porn and then I watched gay porn for the first time and it was incredible. I pictured myself as the guys and I got so turned on.

    As mentioned above, I'm in college and I truly just want to experiment and see what it's like to be with another guy. There's something so appealing about it!!! But I'm a little shy and am trying to cope with this myself and I can't even think about telling my Roommate or anybody yet!

    Like I'm still afraid of announcing it, but I still want to meet another guy?.. Where can I do that? And is it bad I still want it in secrecy?

    Anything helps - thanks for listening to my rant :slight_smile:
     
  2. Chip

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    Hi, and welcome to EC.

    To answer your first question, there are quite a few people who start out assuming they're straight, having girlfriends, having sex... and somehow it never quite "clicks". And then, one day, something happens and they suddenly realize that they've got really strong attraction to guys.

    The truth is, your sexuality never changed. It's just that, like most of us, you were likely raised in an environment where heterosexuality was assumed and so that's what you adapted to.

    So right now, you're going through the process of understanding that (most likely, anyway) you aren't straight and are instead attracted to guys. This can take some time to really wrap your head around, and that's normal and expected.

    The secrecy is part of that. Nearly all of us, as we are first navigating who we are, feel some shame about being gay. That's society's messages that we are fed from the time we're born; it just takes some time for us to unlearn that message. In time, you'll feel a lot more comfortable and confident about being who you are.

    As for meeting another guy... well, that's not super easy. Most guys who are out, if they're emotionally healthy, probably would rather not be with someone who's closeted, because there tends to be the shame and baggage that goes along with that. But there are some who are patient and willing to wait if they can see that the other person is working through things. And then, of course, there are others who are closeted... but then you have a double whammy because you have two people who both have big shame issues, and that tends to get in the way of an emotionally healthy relationship.

    One option might be to go to your campus GSA (assuming it has one; it likely does). Because they are gay STRAIGHT alliances, the whole model is essentially a clever "cover" for girls and guys who aren't yet ready to come out; you can join as an ally and come out when you're ready. That will give you a chance to meet people, talk to them, and start to figure yourself out. I would NOT recommend hookup apps, as people on them are, nearly 100%, simply looking for hookups and it's really easy to get hurt, or feel really shitty if you just go out and have sex with a random person.

    You don't really need to have sex to know you're gay; my guess is your masturbatory experiences with gay porn vs. straight porn have probably already helped you come to that conclusion. Though... porn is a notoriously unreliable indicator, so masturbating without porn and simply fantasizing, and seeing which fantasies (guys or girls) are more arousing to you is usually the strongest indicator.

    And, too, simply talking about it... here, or at your local GSA, can be really helpful.
     
  3. rainbowtheorist

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    HI,

    Totally agree with Chip, take your time to figure out what you want, there's no rush to come out unless you want to. To meet people LGBT association are generally nice, plus it's supposed to be a safe place and people are usually very open minded there.

    Otherwise, if you're curious you could go to a gay bar, not necessarly go back home with someone, but just dancing and meeting other gay guys can be nice. It is a bit intimidating though. I remember the first I went to a gay bar, I felt really akward at first, but it was really nice dancing with a girl, just the physical proximity can be a good start ! Plus you're lucky there are way more gay guys than girls in gay bars.

    Also you'll find plenty of helpful people on here !

    Have a nice day !
     
  4. Biker boy

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    Hey you have taken the first step by coming here and talking to other people like minded will help you be more comfortable. College can be a great place to talk with people I don't suggest going and hooking up with guys but like chip said meeting, social activities their all great. Good luck like u I dated girls denied my sexuality for years tho I like girls I don't call myself bi cause I'd rather be with guys..I fantasize about guys I look at guys so that's what I want...I don't mess with girls anymore cause I know that it will lead to nothing just plain sex no more
     
  5. ForeverGreen

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    Hey again y'all!

    The thing is, I still just don't know. I look at a hot girl and I think, damn she is attractive but it kind of stops there? I don't know if I would do anything with her.. but I still find some girls quite attractive.

    As with men, I see a cute guy and it goes and goes. It doesn't just stop and I can think of a million things I want to do with him.

    I believe my University has a LGBT club and I'm going to try and attend one of the meetings to try and meet other people and expand this part of me.

    It's still just so foreign and weird but it honestly, truthfully, 100% feels like such a burden off my back. I've felt "off" my entire life and now I don't really. I feel better. Emotionally, physically - I ran today for the first time in.. hmmm.. 2 years??? I felt fantastic!

    So I guess we will just have to see where this goes.. But I've got an excited and open mind for the new possibilities :grin:
     
  6. bi2me

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    It's also possible that you are bisexual.

    I'm glad you are feeling a bit better! :slight_smile:
     
  7. ForeverGreen

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    But the thing that's most important is an emotional connection, would you guys agree?

    And I feel like I will never, as long as I live, have an emotional connection with a woman. I just can't. IT will not work. We are different and I feel like men and women, even if they are in a stable and healthy relationship, will never truly be able to grasp one another.

    That's why, if anything, I want to be gay. I want a best friend. I love guy friends, they're super understanding and to point out the obvious they're the same gender!!! They get you. I want another guy to talk with, and do things with me, and make me feel like who I truly am. This is just confusing as hell for me.

    On another note, I consider myself a pretty masculine guy. I really enjoy playing sports and other masculine activities and I wouldn't say I have too many feminine characteristics?

    I do however, really enjoy talking. I'm a great listener. I love clothes, I love picking out outfits. I enjoy shoes, I love to write, and other stuff along that nature. There are some clues but to be honest, not a lot of people would peg me as a homosexual.

    Anyways.. still struggling..
     
  8. melissakok

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    Welcome ForeverGreen. Hang in there and take your time. Your truths will come to you. In their time. Glad youre here and youre going to join your local lgbt group. It helps me so much to have a lgbt community that I can talk to here where I live I cant tell you how much. (*hug*)
     
  9. nikkayd

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    I think you're simply able to find a woman attractive, you can agree they're attractive but you don't care to do anything with them and you have something missing so to say; and honestly that's normal.
    It's normal to be able to find someone attractive of the same sex or opposite sex.

    When I was in a relationship with a guy (i'm a girl that's a lesbian), it was the same. There was something missing, I felt trapped the moment I said yes i'd date them. I was slow to come out and to date women. I was un easy at first, but it felt right. I didn't feel anything missing anymore.
     
  10. ForeverGreen

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    Melissakok, thanks so much for the response and it really hit close to home.

    You are so right!! I am over here trying to rush things when in reality that is the exact opposite of what I need to be doing. I'm going to take my time and see what flourishes, and with due time, my true identity will flower.. :slight_smile: :slight_smile:
     
  11. happydavid

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