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Online Distance Relationship Help PLEASE

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by SilencedMelody, Sep 20, 2015.

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  1. SilencedMelody

    SilencedMelody
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    I met a girl online and we have been texting for 3 months. I'm developing really strong feelings for her and can't seem to stop texting her. The problem is that she lives 3,000 miles away and we're both in school so there is no likely chance of us meeting any time soon. I cry almost every day because I keep imagining and dreaming about us meeting one day but then I get so sad when I realize it's not going to happen. I am unsatisfied with my regular life when I'm not texting her and I don't know what to do. I just am so sad all the time. I feel so emotionally invested in something that is just over phone. I don't want to stop texting her, but texting her is giving me constant false hopes that just keep getting crushed. I just don't know what to do
     
    #1 SilencedMelody, Sep 20, 2015
  2. Sek

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    Hi SilencedMelody,

    It's hard to give you specific advice because you have given general information about your issues. The best advice I can think to give you is to own up to the fact that due to the long distance between you and your age, the relationship is unlikely to go any further. It's important to evaluate whether what you do in life is conducive to a healthy mind or whether it's self-sabotaging. You mentioned that you are unsatisfied with your regular life and it sounds like you have a fantasy of what life could be like if things were different. Unfortunately the longer you create a division between an "unsatisfactory" real world and a perfect fantasy one, the greater the division becomes - feelings of bitterness and resentment towards the real world manifest. This makes the problem even worse, so it's better to notice it and correct it as early as possible.

    Perhaps you could spend some time finding some ways to improve your day-to-day life away from this girl, maybe by picking up some new hobbies, spending more time with friends and/or making new ones, etc. It's important that what you choose to spend your time doing boosts your self esteem and happiness rather than crush it. It sounds like spending time thinking about/talking to her is leading to your happiness and self esteem being crushed so you might be wise to avoid these activities.

    Hope things get better for you.
     
    #2 Sek, Sep 21, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2015
  3. Aspen

    Aspen
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    There's nothing wrong with having feelings for someone and wanting to text them. However, try not to push away the rest of your life in favor of that person. Keep up with your work, spend time with your friends, and do things you enjoy.

    Have you told her how you feel?
     
    #3 Aspen, Sep 21, 2015
  4. Kaiser

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    That stood out to me.

    This is easier said than done, but hear me out. It's okay to feel down about something, especially an absence of presence, but you have to understand something. You both will need a sense of independence, too. You need your own life, filled with friends, interests, opinions, and experiences. There's nothing wrong with depending on somebody for support or comfort, we are human, but if you are always being dependent, how will you ever be a pillar of support for another?

    Focus on what you can now. Be it school, a job, a hobby, anything really. Work on it, accumulate experience, and mold yourself. This way, if/when the two of you do meet face-to-face, you'll have a lot to talk about and share, as well as fulfilling the role of ideal partner/friend/girlfriend/whatever. If you sit around panicking and waiting on them, you're going to have a less profound impact later on. You need to try and cope with independence, or in this case absence, because life is going to throw this type of stuff at you from time to time, and you need to be as best prepared as possible.

    Besides, while you're doing this stuff, it gives you things to talk about and share. You bond, thus the relationship grows in depth and trust is built. Two things you should always welcome in relationships, especially intimately desirable ones.
     
    #4 Kaiser, Sep 21, 2015
  5. SilencedMelody

    SilencedMelody
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    Though extremely hard to admit, I think you're exactly right. I can see myself falling into this trap and I want to avoid that as much as possible. I just don't think altogether stopping the texts and snapchats and everything at once would make either of us happy... but I think holding myself back from the constant imagining may help... I don't know.... thank you for the advice it is certainly something to think about

    ---------- Post added 21st Sep 2015 at 09:23 PM ----------
    I have told her, and she's experiencing similar feelings as well. She said if I need to stop texting her to cut off this fantasy and get back into real life, she would respect my decision though she would be sad about it. I would too, and I don't think that would benefit either of us; I think maybe I should dial back the intensity... Thank you for the advice.

    ---------- Post added 21st Sep 2015 at 09:33 PM ----------

    That stood out to me.

    This is easier said than done, but hear me out. It's okay to feel down about something, especially an absence of presence, but you have to understand something. You both will need a sense of independence, too. You need your own life, filled with friends, interests, opinions, and experiences. There's nothing wrong with depending on somebody for support or comfort, we are human, but if you are always being dependent, how will you ever be a pillar of support for another?

    Focus on what you can now. Be it school, a job, a hobby, anything really. Work on it, accumulate experience, and mold yourself. This way, if/when the two of you do meet face-to-face, you'll have a lot to talk about and share, as well as fulfilling the role of ideal partner/friend/girlfriend/whatever. If you sit around panicking and waiting on them, you're going to have a less profound impact later on. You need to try and cope with independence, or in this case absence, because life is going to throw this type of stuff at you from time to time, and you need to be as best prepared as possible.

    Besides, while you're doing this stuff, it gives you things to talk about and share. You bond, thus the relationship grows in depth and trust is built. Two things you should always welcome in relationships, especially intimately desirable ones.    [/QUOTE]

    Your advice gives me hope that I don't have to choose to stop texting her in order to maintain happiness in reality.
    The issue I'm facing though is that I've just entered my senior year of high school and it seems like forever I've been telling myself to focus on school right now, focus on independence, and be patient for relationships later. I know I have only one more year of this, but it feels like forever I've been waiting and I'm reaching the point where I'm struggling to keep waiting..(hopefully this makes sense). I'm losing patience in the worst way and it's frustrating because I have no options...
    This girl seemed to give me an option and she's just someone I love talking to. But it all leaves me feeling like I need more. I think I'm struggling to reign in that feeling. Sorry to pour all my crap into this post :eusa_doh: Thank you for the kind caring words though, it's definitely helping me sort my feelings
     
    #5 SilencedMelody, Sep 21, 2015
  6. Sek

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    It's never going to be easy to completely leave something that makes you happy, of course, but you don't have to do that. The point is to learn to draw a line when things are going too far - it's always possible to have too much of a good thing. I encourage you to keep talking to her if she is currently the only source of escape or the only means for you to explore relationships, but just make sure that you only spend a portion of your time doing that. A good rule of thumb to know if things are entering unhealthy territory is if it gets in the way of other responsibilities. Make sure you are getting chores done, your homework done, that you get some exercise and work on improving other relationships as well as talk to her. The key to a healthy lifestyle is to follow the phrase: 'everything in moderation'.

    But SilencedMelody, you seem intelligent and I believe deep down you know to do all these things, so I hope that mine as well as the other responses you have received give you the motivation. All the best. :thumbsup:
     
    #6 Sek, Sep 22, 2015
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