Coming out as bi and married

Hi baristajedi (fab name),

I just saw this site mentioned elsewhere. It might be of interest. It's about polyamory and ethical non-monogamy.

http://www.morethantwo.com/

 

I'm in the same boat, except I guess I'm not even considering separation as an option.

Sadly, I've been looking around the site a bit for the last 3-4 weeks, and few people have made this situation work. There are a handful, though; I hope they post here.

As for me, I'll likely eventually come out to my husband after my feelings fade for this one particular friend I have. I'm hoping (perhaps naively) that he can eventually enjoy fantasizing with me about women together.

However, I will probably never get to act on my desire for women directly. He might even be cool with my exploring, but I couldn't go through with it, any more than I could sleep with another man while committed to him. I'm dealing with this loss the best way I know how---posting a lot here and going to a therapist. It's hard though.

 

I've thought about it, but I wouldn't grant him the same freedom. I mean, what if he decided that he really, really wanted to "explore" dating a woman from another country, because that culture had always fascinated him? I'd be like HELL NO.

Culture and gender aren't perfect parallels, of course, but you can kind of see the gist of what I'm saying. How different is different enough that it "doesn't count"? For me, it always counts.

Sorry to be a buzzkill! There totally ARE people on the site who have made polyamory work. (Although, I have to say, I visited that site and read a bunch of it, and polyamory sounds pretty damn complicated, and not designed for people with children at all. Which is too bad.)

---------- Post added 15th Sep 2015 at 03:24 AM ----------

But if you WOULD grant your husband that freedom, then it's probably worth at least a conversation or two with him! He might be like YES! Now I can date a Canadian chick. And you'd both be happy.

(I mean that earnestly! I'm not being sarcastic.)

 

Wow I can totally identify with this statement. Dealing with a loss....that's what I feel like as well. My husband knows I am bi and how strong my attraction to women is. He knew when he married me that I in fact had strong feelings for a friend of mine and given the chance I would be with her. In his mind it is all about the sexual aspect, and has offered numerous times to do a threesome. I am not fond of the idea and have turned him down each time because I don't want just some random one night stand with a woman and quite frankly I don't want him involved....for me I want an emotional connection, a true relationship. I actually told him is that my ideal situation would be to have a girlfriend. He is not ok with this and I respect his choice.

I too have been posting on here and going to therapy to try and deal with my feelings the best I know how. I do not plan on leaving my marriage...we have been married over a decade and have children together. But I too feel like I am mourning a big part of myself, my desire to be with a woman. Wish there was an easy answer....

 

I'm always amazed by this reaction from men, but it seems fairly common. I'm always like...what?! I wouldn't let you have "just sex" with another person. Why does it make it different that it's a woman? IT COUNTS DUDE.

I saw a tumblr post once that was like "two guys look into each others' eyes, and an observer will label them gay forever. Two women have sex in public and maybe they're just friends!" Heh. I mean, it's not funny, but at 4AM, I can't help but laugh a little.

If I don't laugh I'll cry, right?

---------- Post added 15th Sep 2015 at 04:18 AM ----------

Hey, maybe all he wants is time for a hobby or something. If you truly suspect he's harboring some unfulfilled desire that you'd be fine with letting him have, then it may very well be worth a chat. Fingers crossed for you! Live the dream for me and my kind.

 

Don't give up hope--let the thread sit for a day or so; hopefully you'll hear from the polys here. They can give you better advice than I!

 

I wouldn't say we are yet actively poly, but I think in years to come (especially once the kids get older) we might move in that direction. It does seem like a lot of work, but doing the work ideally would bring a primary partnership closer as well.

I have heard that the book Opening Up is very good, although we haven't read it yet. I have read Sex at Dawn which opened my eyes to the possibility that we evolved from highly non-monogamous apes and as humans were likely non monogamous until the advent of agriculture made parentage more of an issue.

I'm happy to chime in more about the baby steps we've taken or where I'd like to go or my history, so ask me questions or write on my wall... I don't want to bore anyone who's already heard it

 

Hi... responding because I spent most of the past twenty years identifying as non-monogamous. I do know people who make it work, and you are correct, it is complicated. Love may not be finite but time and energy are.

For myself I find that the energy of one-on-one intimacy can't be had when others are present. But at the same time, a threesome with three awesome and positive people can be fabulous!

I can't help you answer your questions but I am happy to listen and reflect anytime. You are in great company here and you will hear your own voice if you keep sharing.

 

I can't claim to be "making it work", but I'm farther along the path than I've ever been - a path with lots of twists and turns. My husband and I have been married for just over a year. We love each other very much, and the affection we share certainly includes feeling romantic... but the sexual part of our relationship was never as important as the other parts. We're in very different places on the Kinsey scale - he's all the way over on the same-sex end, while my physical response is almost entirely to women. It's only been after our marriage that I've come to realize how much I miss intimacy (even if not the whole nine yards of it) with women. We've talked about that, and he is okay with the idea of my having a girlfriend. (Not that this has happened yet...)

Yet coming out several years ago at 60 - initially as gay, which overshot what my actual orientation seems to be - has been wonderful for my growth. I'm much more in touch with my feminine aspects, and feel a lot more comfortable with not conforming to the male stereotype.

But I also have this sense of lots of pent-up energy demanding to be expressed as intimacy with women. My being able to love and be loved by another man has brought together two people who are really good for each other, and are loving companions... yet part of me is still unhappy and unfulfilled.

Maybe the progress I've made so far is to be okay with wanting what I want. My fantasy at this point is to find someone who, like me, is in a loving primary relationship yet has some unmet needs. Yeah, there are many ways such an arrangement can go off the rails. But monogamous heterosexual relationships also have the risk of going off the rails from unmet needs of whatever type, and my needs are as valid as theirs. There, I've said it!

 

Thanks to everyone who posted here.

 

I've been following this thread with interest and I have more thoughts or questions... how much have you discussed with your husband?

I will share a story to illustrate. When I met my second husband he had no clue at all that I was bisexual. I kept it from him very well. But, for three years I would listen to his political rampages about homosexuality, and ask myself quietly if I could stand it. And I remember wanting to cut my hair all short and spiky, and him saying, "If you do that I won't be seen in public with you - you'd look like a lesbian!"

Now we did not have children so what I did isn't always an easy option. But I decided all on my own one day to leave, and when I told him I was leaving, I told him I was bisexual. His reaction, amidst the devastation, was to mention that seeing a woman with another woman was a huge fantasy... anyway, my point is that I closed myself off to him emotionally without even having a big discussion or blowout or finding anything out about his feelings, just assuming from what he ranted about that it represented his feelings about how to handle our marriage.

I'm not saying I could have lived happily ever after with him, but he was a good man and he loved me dearly. I do wonder what might have happened if I'd found a way to stand up for who I was and see whether he would step up and try to accept me.

So, I was wondering... is all of this still in your mind only, or does he have any clue? I could see it taking years to work through these kinds of issues and a lot of discomfort along the way - but it being a valuable process and maybe learning and growth experience for both of you. Even if it made you both decide in the end to split, you would know why and agree. Just a thought...

 

As for me, I am in an open relationship. I'm bi, he's not. I met a hell of a woman and now I want to be monogamously homosexual. It happened nearly overnight, so I would say for me it's not working at the moment. :icon_redf Perhaps I will become happy for being able to have cake and eat it, but right now I just want the woman 24/7.

You're probably smarter than me by viewing cheating in that way. Cheating whether with or without permission opens up many issues. I immediately fell for her hardcore. It's definitely not only lust. It might be the first time I've ever been in love. It's scary. :help:

I am really curious if you regret leaving him, or if you regretted it at the time? I am trying to see if what i have with husband is workable and we are in the big discussion and blowout stage. Did you marry again? Sorry so many questions, I am at a critical stage in my journey.:icon_redf

 

One of my former wives is bisexual. We went into our marriage with the clear understanding that she could have a girlfriend if she wished; all I asked was that I be able to meet her at least once. To us, that wasn't "cheating" because it was within the understanding both of us had about what was okay. She did have a girlfriend for a while, and would come back remarkably happy after spending a weekend with her

And now I find myself on the other side of this situation, where my husband and I have an understanding that it's okay for me to seek a girlfriend as long as he can meet her and everyone is clear about what is happening. Does this kind of arrangement raise issues? You bet. But I still believe it's possible to do, as long as it works for everyone involved.

I have no desire to become involved with another man, and I love my husband very much and fully intend to stay married to him. During the four-plus years we've been together, we've already had plenty of rough sailing with his ongoing medical issues and my going overboard with caregiving (still working on that one).

Each of wants the other to be happy, and we talk openly about our hopes and concerns. So today, one of my hopes is... well, you know :icon_bigg

 

I forgot to add: it was easy for me to agree to my former wife's request because it made so much sense. Of course I couldn't give her the experience of being with another woman! So for her happiness, and out of love, I said yes. And I believe that's just what my husband is now doing for me.