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Coming out experiences - Guys vs Girls

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by OnTheHighway, Sep 13, 2015.

  1. OnTheHighway

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    Been reading the various threads between both men and woman going through the coming out process. I can appreciate so many of the stories having gone through the experience myself; how I perceived my then wife's reaction, my kids reaction, and working through the economic implications of separating.

    As a father, I always felt that my kids would be ok under their mothers continued protective eye and my occasional oversight given they live with their mother. Based on all the traveling for work I do, life with their parents would rationally not materially change for them (although emotionally it certainly has).

    As a husband, I knew the impact on my then wife's life would be massive, but always felt the separation would actually be a net positive for her own growth and well being as a person given I was holding her back due to the emotional wall I placed between us. A few years on, and my assumptions seem to be confirmed for the positive.

    Financially, I was comforted knowing that we have done a good job saving for a Storm (rather big storm), and that we would have the means to ensure we both could live independent lives with managable financial responsibilities towards one another. Again, several years on, my predictions seem to be panning out accordingly.

    A I read the threads of many woman working through their journey, thinking about their children, their husbands, independence, I see many similar stories. Albeit their seems to be some underlying differences. That said, as I am trying to appreciate the struggles I am reading about and find ways to be supportive as others have been for me, I am having a problem putting my finger on what, if any the differences are.

    Am I perceiving something that delves not exist? Am I, even while being gay, being biased? Is this all just in my head?
     
  2. skiff

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    Hi,

    I believe there are intrinsic differences on how people approach life, challanges and problems and gender flavors that both physically and culturally.

    I can be honest... Overly emotional approachs to problem solving frustrate me. To over dramatize... During an emergency the person who freezes and screams only makes the situation worse. While they are screaming (whether panic, anger, guilt,etc) others are working the problem.

    "Get with the program" pops to mind.

    When it is finally time to rip off the bandaid do it and stop lamenting the healing process... Just do it.

    That is is where my biology/culture/experience has lead me.

    Do I find other approaches frustrating? Yup, but I accomodate them to a degree.

    About 30 years ago I was in Vancouver on a business trip with my boss and the salesman. The night before the meeting the three of us went out. My boss got drunk and we had to get him into a cab. No sooner in the cab he jumped out other door and took off as he did not want night to end. Salesman asked what do we do? I told him we warned him, we got him in a cab, I am not going to chase him, wrestle him or fight him to do the right thing. We took the cab back to the hotel. That night my boss was attacked by homophobes and beaten. I do not blame myself. Never have. His choices despite people trying to help.

    Same thing happens here on EC. Gay people making choices choicesthat harm themselves.

    You got choices; ignore problem, work problem, suffer or scream but what happens next is rooted in what you do now. Lamentations do nobody good.

    Just my view. So yes... How others approach problems can be

    ---------- Post added 13th Sep 2015 at 02:21 AM ----------

    Frustrating
     
  3. OnTheHighway

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    I think both sexes can be emotional and think with their emotions rather than their head. I am guilty of that without question. Emotions run deep in my veins and I need to consciously not allow them to make decisions for me. So while I understand your point, I think that can be applied regardless of sex.

    At the same time, I am absolutely Horrible at interpereting my initial emotions. I struggle to understand them and define what they mean. In this regard, I always sensed that others have a better ability to initially understand, and are more acutely aware, of their emotions. I try and use rational thought to interperet my emotions, but the two do not necessarily work together. For me it takes time to sort through and come to proper conclusions with my emotions.

    In this regard, I think woman might be much better suited? And to that, I am quiet envious.
     
    #3 OnTheHighway, Sep 13, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2015
  4. skiff

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    I agree with you.

    My biology/culture/experience make me and we are all different.

    My dad was literally a rocket scientist. You can see his influence in raising me in how I approach problems.

    Being able to see your own biology/culure/life experience from third person perspective invaluable.

    That is what good therapists teach.

    ---------- Post added 13th Sep 2015 at 03:33 AM ----------

    Old knowledge...

    [​IMG]
     
  5. Choirboy

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    I suspect that there may be some differences in what makes a woman come to terms with sexuality BEFORE coming out. The idea of a woman enjoying sex is really a pretty recent development - for most of recorded history, women's sexuality consisted of submitting to men whether they liked it or not. That being the case, I think it might be harder for a later-in-life woman to come to terms with being gay than a man, because they would have the lingering question of, do I not enjoy sex with men because I'm a lesbian, or is my guy just self-absorbed where sex is concerned, and generally bad at it?

    So in tandem with the thread about needing experience or not, perhaps a woman who's been in a more traditional, old fashioned relationship would be less likely to be sure if she's gay or not, because being aware of what appeals to her was never that important. You just do what you're expected to do. In that case, the emotions they feel would be more confusing, and the process of coming out would be different, because there's that lingering doubt.

    As to the actual coming out process itself, there would be many similar concerns between men and women, but a woman would face some issues that a man wouldn't. A woman in a more traditional relationship might have more fear of financial disaster if her job skills weren't as sharp, particularly if she stayed home with the kids. She might also be more concerned about her husband being abusive (not that men don't have that worry either, but it would be much more acute for a woman). But I'd bet that a lot of the core fears of kids, home, acceptance etc. are largely the same.
     
  6. rachael1954

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    Good points, really interesting discussion!

    Choirboy you bring up some valid points. I agree.

    I might add some thoughts from my experience that coming out does a doozy on my identity and life, and if I did not know that about myself now I doubt everything including what should be obvious.

    Also the difference that women's sexual peak is middle age, and we may confuse our budding sexuality with this, and have trouble distinguishing between the two.

    OnTheHighway may I ask how long it took from your realization that you knew you must leave until you told her and left?
     
  7. OnTheHighway

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    I came out to myself on a Sunday morning, one week later I told my then wife.