28 and almost ready to come out

Welcome :smilewave
good luck on your coming out journey

 

Hi

 

I am in a similar situation, except I'm 30 but I also live in Ireland. I don't think it's too late, both Leo Varadker and Pat Carey recently came out older than us.

Despite the marriage referendum Ireland is a very homophobic country especially in our male age group. Gay people frequently get called homophobic comments and transsexuals too when I am with friends and acquaintances. My friends would not be surprised that I might be gay as I've let them know in subtle ways but all I've succeeded in doing is exposing their homophobia. I think they are mounting an effort to get me back on the straight and narrow

It's not really their fault and it's possible they might come around. But it's difficult to deal with. There is a strong temptation to just leave things as they are, I think I will come out however. At root it is who I am so I just have to accept that who I am is someone that many people have issues with.

I came out to myself two years ago and it's been very difficult on a personal level and I am simply not in a position to come out to the wider world until I am at least comfortable with myself but I am getting there. Did you always know?

Anyways, just letting you know that you are not alone and I've met several gay people who came out at 29/30 in real life as well, I doubt it's uncommon in Ireland our culture like many others is very harsh.

 

I am also 28 and your circumstances are very similar to mine. I advise that you come out first to someone who you know will be accepting of you. Also, if it doesn't go well at first don't be afraid to walk away and continue the conversation when the person has calmed down.

 

Hey Gary. I am 29 and Came Out about 3 months ago (it was very unexpected...didn't really plan it at all). Only recently have I come completely out to everyone. It is definitely the best decision I have ever made. Although it's been a struggle (as you said getting over one hump and being met with another). I have only been with women, and haven't exactly jumped into dating/sex with men yet. It is a whole new ballpark. It was important to me to tell people I loved first, and get comfortable talking about it openly.

As for your homophobic friend: I had friends and family who I thought were very homophobic, and they took the news fine. My brother, in particular, had said so many disparaging remarks about the LBGTQ community over the years, that I never thought he'd take it well. I have found, that people I've been closest with have almost instantaneously changed their views on the gay community after I came out to them. When they know you so well, and truly care about you, it's quite a shock. If they have one idea of what a gay man should be, and they find out someone they love is gay, it can have an amazing effect. This is not always the case, I suppose, but it has been for me every time.

As for your co-worker: I think being in the closet makes us all super-sensitive. We focus on all the negative things people say and that is what we remember. Yes, it was an insensitive comment, but it just stems from ignorance. It is probably not something that is unteachable.

So, you are definitely not alone. When you start coming out, it will likely feel amazing. It is equally terrifying and exciting.

 

Gary,

I have a friend that is so close I consider him a brother. I was very hesitant to Come Out to him because in the past he has made homophobic comments to a point where he said someone can be Gay, he just doesn't want them around him.

Well, the other day I Came Out on Facebook, he immediately called me, told me he loved me and nothing will change. He also was the person that told me I should have Come Out 10 years ago.

I would never have believed he would have been that caring and loving.

I was so worried I would loose his friendship, the opposite happened, the bond is even stronger.

Give your friend a chance, he may just shock you.

 

Hey there! I don't have as much experience to offer as these other posts, but I have opinions and encouragement, anyway.

I'm still in the closet at 22, and I worry about waiting "too long" to come out; originally I planned to come out by the time I'm 25 -- no particular reason, just seemed like a good number. But recently I thought there's really no reason to put a deadline on it, just do it when you feel up to it. And like others said, don't get discouraged if you come out to someone and they take it badly! Just because they take it badly at first doesn't mean they won't get used to the idea, and just because one person is a sourpuss doesn't mean everyone else will be. Mostly just don't get discouraged -- like they said, anyone in their 20s is still a young person and you've got plenty of life ahead of you. And even if it's a worst case scenario and everyone takes it badly, once you're out, you'll be able to connect with new people who will be more inviting and welcoming.

And people do change, like when my straight brother recently had a friend come out to him. My brother had no idea he was gay, and would often make homophobic jokes and comments, but as soon as his friend came out, my brother apologized profusely and even took him out to dinner to make up for it. It's been many months since then, and sometimes my brother still sighs and says he feels really bad about making his friend uncomfortable, and he's been making fewer and fewer homophobic comments since then. Could be the same with your friends and family -- once they know the situation and see things in a new light, they'll change and even be embarrassed about their past behavior. You won't know until you try.

As far as your lack of experience turning guys off, I wouldn't worry about that too much. Especially not right now, when you're also worrying about coming out. People have different tastes, and you're sure to find someone who thinks you're just wonderful as you are.

 

Hey man, I'm in the exact same position as you although a bit older at 30 and I'm from Ireland.

I'm turning 31 in October and I've decided it's time to come out. I've been deeply closeted for as long as I can remember and I feel like life is passing me by. It's now time to bite the bullet and start living my life. I agree with you the marriage referendum was a turning point. I doubt I would have decided to come out if it hadn't of passed. I don't think I've ever been so proud of our country.

Anyway best of luck with your coming out. Let us know how you get on.

 

It sounds like you care WAY too much what irrelevant others think of you.

I would start by coming out to your friend. That could be the very thing that makes him see what an idiot he has been by harboring homophobia.

That lady who made the comment about the guy coming out "too late" has no idea what she's even talking about. That should be brushed off.

 

Yes Gary I think a lot (most? all?) of my fears are in my head. Unless a lion is actually charging towards me! I also, like many here, came out later. 48 at in my case. You are indeed still young and unencumbered, but I know that it doesn't make it any easier. From my experience, I would suggest you don't delay in beginning to tell people. Christmas is a long way off and it doesn't have to be your Mum (or your homophobic best friend). Do you have any other friends or colleagues who you sense you be fine about it that you could test the waters with? Telling someone who gives a positive response will be really good and once the ball is rolling there will be no stopping you. What are the reasons you are holding back? Why do you feel you are not quite ready?

 

Good luck, Gary!

 

Welcome! I'm almost 51 and feel like maybe slow and steady wins the race... Guess I really want to be sure!

I was here 24 hours and already felt 5000% better from hearing some nice people welcome me. Just knowing that there really are others... Not just me and a world of people who seem to already have their answers.

 

Welcome to EC, I came out at 41, and it was definitely not too late for me! Be true to you

 

It's completely ok to be where you are in your coming out journey. The fear and shame that homophobia creates is challenging to overcome. We've all been there and/or are experiencing it currently in our lives.

May I recommend two TED talks that many here have found helpful?

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | TED Talk | TED.com

Brené Brown: Listening to shame | TED Talk | TED.com

I found both of these videos and her book about her research very helpful as I began figuring out how to overcome my fears.

 

These points about vulnerability are really important, remember also that there is a powerful force behind the need for vulnerability, that is having a why. This may not be an obvious thing, but remember that nothing can ever change, nothing can ever become better for you: in terms of finding love, and finding a life worth living, without vulnerability.

 

Gary, hope all is well. Back to my friend who is like a brother to me who I thought was homophobic, well tonight he called me and started to go on about a girl he's going out with and how crazy she is. Then he asks me if it's the same in a Gay relationship. This was a wow moment for me. Over a week ago I was worried I would loose him now he's asking if it's the same in Gay relationships as in straight relationships.

Give people a chance you may be shocked.

 

Gary
Yes I didn't want to imply it wasn't scary or that it does not take a lot of courage to come out especially if your environment gives you reason to be wary. I was very surprised that when I came out even those who i assumed would act negatively (and had even heard them make homophobic remarks) where at worst "well each to their own, and it will not change who you are". I think I was lucky to not experience bad responses. I guess what I was saying is that the first steps would be finding someone you know - a more liberal family member, a work colleague or not so close friend who you think would be supportive and 'test the waters' with them. Once the words come out of your mouth to another human being saying "I am gay" it does break a huge log jam and allow you to then make those more courageous announcements? May be? Good luck...