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28 and almost ready to come out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Domo2016, Sep 9, 2015.

  1. Domo2016

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    Hey guys,

    I am completely new to EC and I'm just looking for some advice really. Basically I'm a 28 year old guy who has spent an inordinate amount of time hiding my sexuality from everyone. My environment (up until recently) hasn't been condusive to coming out hence my hesitation.

    I'm from Ireland and a couple of months ago gay marraige became legal here through popular vote, this was definately a turning point for me. My country has changed so much in the past few years (for the better) and it is definately helping me to feel more comfortable in my own skin.

    As for myself, I have spent all of my life until now deeply closeted. I have witnessed incredible homophobia down through the years and unfortunately for me, alot of my social circle are homophobic. Infact my best friend has nothing but bad things to say about gay people. I know most folk would say, he's not a true friend if he won't like you for being gay, but the guy is practicaly like a brother to me so cutting all ties with him seems unimaginable.

    I really worry that I've left things too late. I'm so angry because at work yesterday I overheard a co worker refering to a story she heard of a guy who came out at 29 and her reaction was "he left it too late, why would he bother?". This sucked as you can imagine especially since I'm on the cusp of telling my mother (for starters).

    I think I have alot to offer in a relationship. I have been told I'm handsome, I have a good career, I look after my body and I am genuinely caring/kind. I just fear my lack of experience will put guys off it really frightens me. Its as if I get over challenge (coming out) in order to be faced with a whole load of new challenges (ie. Other gay guys thinking I'm odd for having no experience).

    Is it uncommon for other gay guys to be in my situation? If things had of been different for me I would of been out a heck of alot sooner believe me. In all honesty am I over the hill at 28? I sincerely hope not not, although the views of others would lead me to believe I am :bang::tears:

    Many thanks for any advice guys!

    Gary
     
    #1 Domo2016, Sep 9, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2015
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Left too late? Nonsense. Complete and total nonsense. You have so much of your life ahead of you.

    at 28, your still a puppy.

    As far as your friend goes, either it will help him realize he should not be so homophobic, or, as you said, maybe you do not need him as a friend. It is one of the potential risks no doubt.

    But wouldn't you want to be surrounded by people whom appreciate you for whom you are?
     
  3. 50ishandout

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    Gary,

    28, you're got an entire life ahead of you. I didn't Come Out until I was 51. It wasn't until yesterday that I was entirely out.

    As to your homophobic friend, give him some time. One person that I thought I would loose when he found out called me yesterday and had me in tears when he told me that he loved me.

    It's truly a great life, enjoy yours as you.
     
  4. skiff

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    Hi

    Your friend may have sexuality issues too.
     
  5. skiff

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    No confident straight person cares about others sexuality.

    Makes you wonder about KY clerk Kim Davis...

    4 husbands, religous zealot, homophobe... Curious thought
     
  6. doinitagain

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    Hi Gary
    It's definitely not too late to come out! The person at your workplace hasn't got any idea of the struggles we go through, and how hard coming out is.
    Just being yourself will help to break down the stereotypes that many people have about gay people.
    I came out to my family in 1985 when I was 20 (and one person the year before). In my small way my partner and I have broken down many of the barriers and have changed people' opinions. We live in a small english village with an ageing population and we are genuinely warmly accepted.
    In any event, you must do what's right for you! Come out and join the party! (!)
     
    #6 doinitagain, Sep 9, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2015
  7. greatwhale

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    Hi Gary2015, welcome to EC!

    I came out at 52, and having a blast making up for lost time, "too old" for this is nonsense, you have plenty of youth left, enjoy it!

    As for your best friend, this is a tough one, but you can't let that hold you back. Friendships evolve, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. If he is your friend, he will want to know the complete person he spends time with, if he isn't, then you need to decide what is more important to you. We affirm here that integrity is always better in the long run.
     
  8. Aviator182

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    Hey Gary, Welcome to EC! No worries, 29 is definitely not to late to come out. I am in a similar situation. I am 27 and the USA has just legalized gay marriage in all 50 states and I am also still in the closet. Plan on coming out in October of this year. There are a lot of members on EC that did not come out until much much later in life. We still have a lot of life let to be happy and be true to ourselves.

    From reading different stories on EC, it seems it is often difficult to tell someone that you've known for a long time, like a best friend, that you're gay. This could be because they think that you've been hiding your self from them. Given time it seems most people will come around. Just remind them that there is nothing different about you. You're still the same person that they enjoyed hanging out with.

    Age and experience with guys is something that I've also worried about. Talking and reading through the forums on EC has kind of put my mind at ease about these two factors. There have been a lot of people of EC that come out much later than their late 20's. I really don't think any one is going to care about your experience level. Check out the coming out stories. They've helped out a lot.

    Sorry I could not give you any personal experiences of mine since I am also closeted. Soon to change. Just remember it's never too late to enjoy life. Good luck!
     
  9. Weston

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    Hi Gary,
    I'd like to echo what the others said. I came out at 63, and no way was that "too late." Yes, I could have come out earlier, but I'm making up for that now. Life keeps getting better and better, and I look and feel younger now than I did 10 years ago. No one will care (and few will even guess, unless you tell them beforehand) about your "lack of experience." Some will find it charming — hot, even! As for your friend, give him a chance. Lots of people undergo a change of heart when they find they actually know someone, especially someone close to them, who is gay. Give him time — say, six months — and if by then he has not come round, then as others have said, you probably don't want him in your life. Good luck to you!
     
  10. Bearfix

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    Hello Gary,

    As said 28 is still very young, I didn't come out until 40/41 (had a birthday in between) And I also am making up for lost time. It may be tough having a homophobic life long sounding friend but you cannot let that drag you back, while your unknowingly to your friends they will be getting on with their life's when I expected it for myself fully I decided that I wasn't just going to be what others think I should be and not while I am getting left behind miserable while other go about their business.

    Alot of people in the straight people will not or never fell what you go though in the coming out/closeted period but you can only take so much as you get older.

    Well done for coming on here to discuss it so early, you're to old? Nonsense Gary. No one can tell how others peoples reactions are going to be if you tell someone you are gay for the first time especially if they have no idea at all plus in Ireland as you say the gay marriage has only just been granted so there may be some who think that gay people are now going to take over the world or they are going to catch "gayness" you'd be surprised how strange some people can think, On the flip side I grew up in quite an homophobic area and it didn't help me coming out later in life but tbh although I predicted some correctly the few I thought would be a problem turned out to quite good but I cannot speak for all, I have had a couple of people who seemed fine with not contact me as much but I'm also getting gay friends too.

    Eventually it will push out of you once you have excepted it yourself that just depends on how long you're fighting it, it is ever easy and takes time.

    Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  11. Sky82

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    Hi and welcome to EC, hope you find the answers you're looking for. Check out the coming out threads, there's a lot of good advice and help there.
    As for being too old, you're never too old to come out. I'm 33 and not out yet lol.
    There's many people here who have been through the same thing and will be able to help you. I'd put this on the coming out thread as see what peopke say :slight_smile:

    Have fun abd I hope you make many friends here :slight_smile:
     
  12. Aviator182

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    Sorry if this posted twice,

    Hey Gary, Welcome to EC! No worries, 29 is definitely not to late to come out. I am in a similar situation. I am 27 and the USA has just legalized gay marriage in all 50 states and I am also still in the closet. Plan on coming out in October of this year. There are a lot of members on EC that did not come out until much much later in life. We still have a lot of life let to be happy and be true to ourselves.

    From reading different stories on EC, it seems it is often difficult to tell someone that you've known for a long time, like a best friend, that you're gay. This could be because they think that you've been hiding your self from them. Given time it seems most people will come around. Just remind them that there is nothing different about you. You're still the same person that they enjoyed hanging out with.

    Age and experience with guys is something that I've also worried about. Talking and reading through the forums on EC has kind of put my mind at ease about these two factors. There have been a lot of people of EC that come out much later than their late 20's. I really don't think any one is going to care about your experience level. Check out the coming out stories. They've helped out a lot.

    Sorry I could not give you any personal experiences of mine since I am also closeted. Soon to change. Just remember it's never too late to enjoy life. Good luck!
     
  13. Domo2016

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    Guys thank you so much for each of your replies. I've read them all and they have definately given me food for thought. It's such a relief to know I'm not alone in coming out late.

    I'm determined to tell my mother I'm gay by Christmas. I know I'm still young, but some peoples' attitudes would lead you to think otherwise. I feel coming out is such a personal matter and it shouldn't matter of you are 20 or 70. My colleagues attitude bugged me a little bit I will admit. In a sense it felt like she was giving me and those like me a kick in the teeth for not coming out sooner. It's such ignorance. If it had been possible for me to do it sooner I would, it's just that now the climate in my country has become more condusive to coming out. Had things been like they are now 10 years ago it would of saved me alot of stress!

    Thanks so much for getting back to me guys! You are all awesome ☺
     
  14. Domo2016

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    Hey Aviator182,
    Thanks so much for your reply! This website is awesome its great to know I'm not alone in my worries. Like you I'm determined to come out soon. Like in the US, here in Ireland things are improving greatly for gay people.

    Younger gay folk are fortunate to be able to come out at younger ages these days without much fear. In my case I grew up around alot of anti gay sentiment so it takes time to get over all of this I'm slowly breaking down these barriers in my life.

    Yes you are so right. I do believe we are still very young and in the grand scheme of things we have plenty of time for catch up. Please let me know how you are getting on yourself and if you ever wish to talk PM me any time.

    Thanks again man! ☺

    Gary
     
    #14 Domo2016, Sep 9, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2015
  15. SimpleMan

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    I just came fully out at 30 so I would hope 28 isn't over the hill. :slight_smile: I came out to my first friend at 28 myself. Good luck and keep us posted on how things are going!
     
  16. Domo2016

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    Hey Sky82!

    Thank so much for your reply! Its such a relief to know there are others in my situation! Yes you are so right when you say your never to old to come out.

    Younger gay folk are fortunate to be growing up in such progressive times and unfortunately for me I spent my teens/early 20s in very different times with alot of anti gay sentiment. Thankfully my country has changed for the better and I'm becoming more comfortable with the notion of coming out.

    Once again thank you for getting in touch I really appreciate it! And best of luck in your coming out journey!
    Regards,

    Gary
     
  17. ApexxShadow

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    Welcome to EC :slight_smile:
     
  18. Weston

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    I set myself a deadline for telling my wife, and although I vacillated right up until the last minute, it worked for me. One thing I would suggest though — make your deadline 10 days before Christmas to give your mum time to process the news and ask questions. That should make for a much calmer Christmas Day. Truth to tell, I'm jealous: you're young, you're unencumbered, and you have a fabulous life ahead of you!
     
    #18 Weston, Sep 9, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2015
  19. BlueKitty

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    Welcome to EC glad that you are here. The best advice for almost any occasion is to be true to yourself. I hope you feel as supported here as I have been.
     
  20. PatrickUK

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    Your best friend might be a challenge Gary, but many of the bad opinions that are held about LGBT people are based on societal stereotypes. The same sex marriage referendum proved that the people of Ireland are moving past the stereotypes and conservative attitudes of the past and that's a very positive thing. It's unlikely your friend even knows anyone who is openly gay to arrive at an informed opinion. When you come out to him it may change his ideas.

    Good luck to you. Please keep us informed.