Parent needing advice

Have you asked her how long she's felt this way? Its probably been a huge internal battle between being yourself and being what society wants you to be.

You could also look into a gender therapist? I think that might help you both. [She'll need one somewhere down the line of transitioning.]

 

First of all, the most important ans simplest thing you can do right now is stop saying "him." If she is a girl, use female pronouns. Every time. No matter what. Using incorrect pronouns invalidates a person's identity.

As far as her not being interested in "feminine things," I know it's hard to wrap your head around, but that is actually transphobic thinking. It's not your fault, because it's just the way that everyone has been taught to think, but this kind of thinking is harmful to people like your child.

There are no feminine or masculine interests. There are just interests. Plenty of boys like ballet, and plenty of girls like football. Just because a girl doesn't subscribe to what society thinks is "feminine" doesn't make her any less of a beautiful and incredible woman. Your child is a beautiful and incredible woman. Our interests, the way that we speak or move, the clothes that we wear... that does not define our gender. What defines our gender is the way that we feel deep in our bones.

And again, please use female pronouns. She, her, hers.

Seriously. Your kid will be nothing but grateful. It will make her feel amazing.

All that said, you are a very good parent for being supportive and for doing your part to understand how all this works and what she is going through. Your job right now is just to love her. Love her unconditionally, make her feel that she is safe to realize her identity, and celebrate having a beautiful new daughter. Go do things together. Have mother-daughter bonding time. Take her shopping. Just be good to her and love her.

Also, use female pronouns.

 

Just remember to keep the lines of communication open, take it all step by step, and be patient.

Also, using new pronouns is something you'll adjust to eventually. When I met my last partner, I'd never met anyone non-binary before so using they/them/their pronouns was a struggle for me, mostly because grammatically it sounded so weird. I corrected myself even when I was just talking to myself inside my own head and eventually it became something so natural I don't even have to think.

You'll get there eventually, good luck!

 

When it comes to interests it could also be the fact that she is possibly embarrassed or doesn't want everyone to know about that she is trans yet. I know I'm still not public about it.

 

This is very simple. First of all, always use her real name and she/her pronouns. Always, without fail. Unless she tells you she's not trans and that is very unlikely. You will probably need to ask about her name, that would be a good starting point.

As to your question, she probably did show signs of feminine things or interests when she was younger. What happens in almost every case is that they do, but the child is steered away from it repeatedly or coercively by parents, peers, siblings, teachers and carers. Kids learn fast that if others are going to be disapproving, tell them off, yell at them, hit them, bullied, ostrazised or excluded for it soon learn not to do it. No doubt this was done as part of teaching her manners and social skills even you may not have been conscious of it at the time. When you're that young and the consequences are severe but you don't understand why you're being taught that, you go along with it while bring extremely confused about why it's happening. It would have been on multiple sides and as soon as she was school age, much of that socialisation in gender would have been done primarily by her peers rather than by you. Being only one aspect of it, the incidents may not stick in your mind but if you sit down and talk with her, I'm sure you'll find that she remembers at least a few.

Find some good resources. Let her know there are options outside of just the binary. Start learning about this yourself. Find your local major LGBT+ center and drop in and ask them to give you information on support groups for both transgender people and for parents of transgender people and other meet up groups and esources in your area. Find a good gender therapist who can work with her, even if it's just to process this and for support.

As for you learning, all of us are different. You'll gain some insight from lurking around here perhaps and reading other trans peoples stories will probably help the most. If you have specific questions, you can ask them in this thread. The starting point for cis people like yourself is to realise that someone's body, identity, expression and presentation when it comes to gender don't always match up. They are all different things and they don't always fall neatly into alignment the way society says it should.

 

I never saw any sign of masculinity in my trans son but I have thought a lot about it and I wonder if he was trying to conform to the gender assigned at birth in an effort to push aside his feelings?

Just some food for thought. I'm a straight, cisgender female... I have no doubt about it, but I was never interested in girly clothing and things until I was about 16 or 17. I climbed trees and caught grasshoppers. Later I played any sport I could. Until I moved out at 18, I was responsible for basic maintenance of my mother's car, doing repairs around the apartment, lifting furniture, taking out the trash.....etc. I also worked full time nights from the time I was 12 to help pay the bills! I'm the youngest of 6 and there were 4 of us girls left at home when I was growing up. I liked boys....and reserved my one night off for date night. My point is that we are all individuals. I felt like a female even though I performed traditional male chores and climbed trees instead of playing with Barbies.

I suggest keeping the lines of communication open and finding a therapist who is knowledgeable about gender dysphoria. Be careful! I called several and even when I finally settled on a therapist who said she had experience, she seemed to want to talk my son out of it which made him so unhappy. BradTheCat here at EC explained informed consent clinics and that is the route with which we went. Jake was ready though...he had been living unhappily as a female for 10 years!

Being transgender isn't a club so I'd be cautious about your chosen therapist. Their job is to help her work this out within herself...not to try to talk her out of it.

The people here are fantastic and understanding. I unloaded a lot of my emotions here because I didn't want Jake to bear the burden of my confusion or see me crying or hear me praying. Jake was at the precipice of being suicidal and I believe the guidance I got from these folks might have been lifesaving.

I wish all of God's blessings for you and your daughter.

 

If it helps, there are many laws and restrictions in regards to hormone replacement therapy along with reassignment surgery. Not that your daughter wouldn't be able to transition, but these laws (along with policies belonging to individual health care centers) are there to protect people from making a mistake, and require them first to go through a certain amount of counseling before they're cleared to begin the transition. You're daughter will likely have some time before going into any medical procedures, and plenty of time to make sure that this is what she wants.

 

It's important to point out that it's a normal part of trsnsitioning to have doubts and work through them. As she came out to you, the chance that she isn't trans is really really small. You might feel that you are helping her by making her question herself but you are in reality taking a huge risk. You don't need to encourage her to question herself, it will happen naturally and if you do encourage her to be absolutely sure, your actions can be perceived as really hurtful and unsupportive. The best way to help her is to treat her as your daughter and help her figure out who she is by doing so. Buy her makup and help her learn how to apply it, buy her clothes so she can start presenting as a girl and be sensitive on how hard this is for her. Don't expect her to prove to you that she is really a girl, assume that she is one and has always been one, she was just born with a body that doesn't represent who she is deep inside.

My parents and family love me dearly but they made the mistake of trying to persuade me that I might be wrong . You can read my past posts to see how traumatising it was for me, I've never been drpressed and have always been really optimistic and positive but their lack of acceptance made me feel like I'm being a burden on them and I plunged down into the darkness. She needs you to truly be there for her, to support her, talk to her in a positive manner and show her that you accept her for who she is and understand the pain that she has felt for so long. Imagine feeling as if you are wearing a mask, that your body is not your own and everything is wrong. Imagine how it would feel if you woke up tomorrow in a male body and everyone around you saw you as such. That you are expected to act in a certain way that feels unnatural to you and everytime someone addresses you as male you feel a sense of loss and you can't figure out why.

You were brave to reach out to others and it is undoubtedly a stressful situation to be in, however, remember that your daughter is going through something unbelievably hard and she needs you to be there for her and be positive for her. If you are struggling to cope don't burden your daughter with your fears and doubts, see a therapist about it or share it here with us. You are not alone and asking others for support is always ok.

Much hugs and I hope that you find it in you to be there for your daughter and give her any support that she might need right now,

(*hug*)

Yael

 

I am a mom of a transgender child. My son(female to male transition) never showed a lot of tendencies towards the masculine. Since I'm a former punk street kid, I did my best to encourage my son to be himself, he can play with cars and barbies if he likes. He can wear pink or blue, whatever he likes. NON CONFORMITY! lol This had the effect of allowing him to come out at a younger age. I was not surprised when he did even though he mostly presented as female.

He chose his name, after an artist he favours, and it was surprisingly not that hard to get used to. The hardest part was not referring to my kids as "the girls" like I always had, but using a more neutral term like "the kids"

I asked him abot his orientation at first, and he was unsure. I told him my orientation at that time(he didn't know previously, and previously, I thought I was bi lol) and let him know that whatever he discovers about himself, he is fully supported at home. He has since come out as gay.

He is no longer the only transgender family member, my sister's partner is untransitioned, female. Female in a mans body. He has had problems transitioning, so he gave up and has resigned to live as a man. This makes me sad but I love him anyway. He's family. Pronouns are a mystery to him, he said use whatever, so we just match how he is presenting that day.

now I'm gonna come out as gay, wont that be a nice addition to the family?? lol My younger son is 4, loves barbies, sparkly shoes, and wearing make up. He absoloutly loves girls too, he always talks about marrying a pretty girl, and kissing pretty girls. he also talked about marrying his best friend, a boy. I am looking forward to seeing where his journey leads!