1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Thrilled to be Out, Open and Gay!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by OnTheHighway, Sep 7, 2015.

  1. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Was just reflecting on my weekend as I am sitting in my office getting through the days work and I am smiling. Last minute, my boyfriend had one of his gay friends come into town on Saturday and stay with us; and on Sunday we got together with a handful of my gay friends for a trip to the country side and a nice lunch.

    I really enjoyed the company of my partner's friend staying with us. Also, I realized on our day out yesterday that I have never felt so comfortable in a setting with other people - all of us being gay. This has not been the first time I have been surrounded by gay friends over the past few years, but it is the first time I felt completely at ease and comfortable with it.

    For the past 20 years, prior to coming out to myself, I always felt misplaced in social settings; with no sense of real belonging. This weekend, I felt completely connected and at home.

    Weekends like this confirm all the decisions I made over the past three years have been the right ones. But now, as I sit here on a Monday morning pushing through the work week, all I can think of is - I want more of the weekend!

    Sigh!
     
  2. OGS

    OGS
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2014
    Messages:
    2,716
    Likes Received:
    728
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That's awesome! I don't think people realize how thoroughly the closet shapes your life until you're really truly out. I remember my Mormon parents telling me a year or so after I came out that they could tell I had made the right decision because, as they put it, I was finally "really here."

    It's amazing to be able to find that ease amongst people. Yesterday my partner and I went out to brunch with (gay) friends in a restaurant where probably half the people there were gay. Then we walked home holding hands surrounded by all the boys headed to the beach. It was just a great little morning--and I love the fact that we're able to find that almost anywhere we go. For me being gay has always been about that sense of community. Almost anywhere I go I can find my people! It's a wonderful feeling.
     
  3. skiff

    skiff Guest

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2013
    Messages:
    2,432
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Peabody, MA - USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi

    Envious. I am always more comfortable in gay company. No straight gawkers, no concern of unseen threat or comment.

    Question... Part of me is upset over a reoccuring gay event they are trying to get off the ground. I think I know what Rosa Parks felt...

    The time slot is 9pm Sundays... A time slot straights do not want. I cannot attend as I work early Monday mornings. I think it is doomed to fail and also feel the time slot is so "back of the bus".

    Am I wrong to feel this way?

    I have come too far only to be relegated to the back of the bus.

    Others say... Be happy we are finally on the bus.

    Ugh!
     
    #3 skiff, Sep 7, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2015
  4. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I enjoy Sunday nights out. I need to be at work early on Mondays as well, but I do not really drink, so I am happy going out and having a sparkling water while enjoying the surroundings. You might be too hard on yourself. Hope your not actually trying to find a reason not to go!
     
  5. guitar

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2015
    Messages:
    2,062
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Southern Ontario, Canada
    I really haven't spent much time in the gay community so I was really pleased with how at home I felt going to my first pride a few weeks ago. I had finally found my people. Outside of that,the only group I've ever found myself almost at the same level of ease with is at metal shows, but even still metal music tends to be rather heteronormative.
     
  6. Weston

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2014
    Messages:
    433
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Seattle
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Too bad you don't live in the U.S. Today is Labor Day! Seriously, sounds like you had a great weekend! Before I came out, I used to think that the gay "community" consisted of a few dozen individuals whom I would eventually come to know after I took the plunge; then, when I first came out, I thought the community was at most a few hundred strong, and again, I would come to know most of them; nowadays, when I go to a gay event, I realize that we are legion, that there is no way I will ever know every gay person in my neighborhood, let alone my city. But when I'm amongst "my people," I feel such a tremendous sense of peace and security and well-being that, like you, I know it was all worth it. It really does get better — at any age!

    ---------- Post added 7th Sep 2015 at 09:31 AM ----------

    I agree that 9 p.m. on a Sunday is a strange time to begin an event. I like to spend Sunday evenings at a local tea dance, which begins at 5. It goes till 11, but by 9, I am usually ready to head for home. Perhaps like someone else suggested, you should go anyway, stay for an hour, and have just one drink or a bottle of fizzy water.
     
    #6 Weston, Sep 7, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 7, 2015
  7. skiff

    skiff Guest

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2013
    Messages:
    2,432
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Peabody, MA - USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi

    This particular bar is dark, has no bar stools or tables and too loud for a conversation... Excuses not to go I do not need. :slight_smile:
     
  8. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    uh, you just described every single gay bar!

    ...although I was at one last night in Soho that was lit up like a xmas tree with toy Ken dolls stapled to the ceiling :slight_smile:
     
    #8 OnTheHighway, Sep 8, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2015
  9. Choirboy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,672
    Likes Received:
    427
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My weekend was wildly overstuffed and exhausting, but there were some interesting developments. First, sadly, our parish priest was accused of sexual abuse of a minor and put on administrative leave. The case is 40 years old and is the only accusation, plus the person reported it years ago and only just identified him, so I'm hoping it turns out to be false (the DA isn't even pressing charges). The one good thing about it is that despite the parish staff knowing I'm gay, the religious ed director made only a passing mention of the accusation before launching into what music I'd be teaching the kids, so my fear of a year ago, that people would find out about me and there would be a scandal that would be bad for the parish, turned out to be so unfounded that a real scandal hasn't even made anyone concerned about my involvement. Strange turn of events.

    Then I ran into one of the other instructors, a guy I harbored a secret crush on and who actually made me think that perhaps coming out was something to consider. He greeted me warmly and said he'd heard my wife and I were splitting (my younger daughter and his are friends in school). We talked and I finally confessed why we split, and he was totally kind about it, and gave me the usual unabashed handshake and physical contact he always has.

    And finally, my oldest texted me to tell me she has a boyfriend, and it occurred to me that to him there will be no coming out, because he'll never know me as anything other than out and gay and with a partner. It really is great to be out and have no secrets that might have to be explained later. Yeah, it took me 50 years to figure it out, but it's good to be here at last.
     
  10. skiff

    skiff Guest

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2013
    Messages:
    2,432
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Peabody, MA - USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Why not hope simply for the truth to come out rather than hope the victim to be a liar?

    Sure there could be monetary gain for a liar, but healing for a victim is out there too. Forty years is a lot of emotional pain.

    I am sure there are lots of familes out there hoping that when somebody comes out of the closet later in life that they are lying... Very sad rallying point.
     
  11. Choirboy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,672
    Likes Received:
    427
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm going with innocent until proven guilty since I know no more than anyone else at this point. But my whole post was about happiness and triumph, so why sour it by jumping on one thing that can be turned negative? A huge part of the success of our later in life coming out experience depends on our own attitude. We can focus on the good and be happy, or focus on the bad and be fearful and lonely and isolated and unhappy. I choose the positive.
     
    #11 Choirboy, Sep 8, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2015
  12. Weston

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2014
    Messages:
    433
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Seattle
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If your whole post was about happiness and triumph, why did you include the news about your parish priest? I'm sorry, and I really don't want to start an argument, but the preponderance of the evidence regarding sexual abuse in the Catholic church as a whole leads me to suppose that in the case of your parish priest, one accusation will morph into many. The fact that there will be no prosecution means nothing: a 40-year-old accusation is long past the statute of limitations. As skiff says, for the victim, "forty years is a lot of emotional pain."

    ---------- Post added 8th Sep 2015 at 10:09 AM ----------

    Sadly, this seems to be true. I often wish my city had a quiet, gay piano bar that those of us with varying degrees of hearing impairment (most of us by my age) could go to carry on a decent conversation.
     
    #12 Weston, Sep 8, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2015
  13. Choirboy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,672
    Likes Received:
    427
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I thought I made it clear that my point was that although I had been concerned about my sexuality causing a scandal and a problem for the parish, it didnt. And even in the face of an actual scandal, the fact that I'm gay doesn't seem to matter to anyone. I consider that something to be joyful about. Sorry if that was unclear.

    As far as the abuse scandal, no one is dismissing it, me included, and there are plenty of well documented cases of terrible wrongs and damage done to people. However, in this case the investigation is still going on, I have no insider knowledge, and I'm not interested in assuming guilt or innocence and spreading slanted opinions and gossip. That's what I was worried about for myself when people started finding out I was gay. It would be mighty hypocritical of me to do the same to someone else.
     
  14. Weston

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2014
    Messages:
    433
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Seattle
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The fact that you're gay might not seem to matter (indeed, the church would have to shut its doors if it disowned all its gay clergy), but just try getting gay-married. Dozens of Catholic employees around the country have been terminated for exercising their constitutional right to marry the person they love. So much for "Who am I to judge."
     
  15. Choirboy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,672
    Likes Received:
    427
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well, one lesbian in the gay Catholic support group I go to was just elected president of her parish council, AFTER legally marrying her partner. Just remember, only the bad news and failures get reported, because good news doesn't generate clicks.
     
  16. Weston

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2014
    Messages:
    433
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Seattle
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm guessing that president of a parish council is an unpaid, lay position (by virtue of being elected, rather than appointed?) The terminations I'm talking about involved employees of various agencies of the Catholic church such as parochial schools, Catholic hospitals, social service agencies and the like. Don't get me wrong: I am fully aware that the vast majority of Catholics today, particularly in the United States, are well out in front of the church in these matters. But the fact remains that the church itself, despite the perceived liberalism of the new pope, remains firmly stuck in the dogma of the past.
     
  17. Choirboy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,672
    Likes Received:
    427
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Wow, obviously positive experiences are not allowed or are subject to analysis and criticism. All I wanted to do was to say that I was happy and things were going well, and hopefully encourage some of the people lurking here who are worried about coming out being a catastrophe that destroys their lives. Sorry I even mentioned it. It won't happen again.
     
  18. Stevie of Sorts

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2015
    Messages:
    21
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    The Bible Belt, Nuuuuu
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Congrats! Really proud of you!
     
  19. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you! And I love your avatar, would love it better seeing it smile :slight_smile:
     
    #19 OnTheHighway, Sep 8, 2015
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2015