I thought I would just share what happened to me yesterday for anyone who feels like reading. (This might belong in physical health, but I think it has a little more to do with coming out progress) So I had a gyno appointment, just a normal yearly checkup. I got there and had to fill out some paperwork (this was my first appointment with a new doctor). Everything was fine and dandy as I filled out the forms. I had been planning on briefly telling the doc about my questioning and being gay, because who better to tell than someone who educates on the topic of sex daily. So yeah feeling great, until I got to the sexual history section. :eek: Something about seeing actual printed words and check boxes seemingly begging to know my sexual identity, to be read by total strangers, kicked in a full fledged anxiety attack. I began chugging copious amounts of water and breathing loudly and my hands were shaking and I had the chills. I checked that I was not sexually active, but had male partners (which was true for every partner to date, but still felt like a lie). I fumbled the forms off to the receptionist and ran to the bathroom to try to regroup. I didn't calm down much and as I walked into the room after being called, I somehow still intended to just throw in that I will not be having sex with men in the future. My doc, who ended up being an NP, was super sweet and funny and welcoming, and I was calmed down a good amount. I told her that I would not be needing birth control and that I was not sexually active and she didn't question anything. But then she spent a solid amount of time talking about sexual activity with future male partners. I started panicking again and the usual nod/mhm/smile kicked in, but inside I was like NOOOOO. I felt so defeated. I could not, in that moment, even remotely fathom adding in a little, "You know what, I actually think my next sexual partners will be female." I know I need to be kind to myself, but I feel like I have such a long way to go to come out. It goes to show me that I can be confident with the coming out planning in my head, but things quickly change when I actually put myself out there. Have you guys had failed attempts at coming out? Or any similar coming out-related anxiety/anxiety attacks? I'm curious to hear your stories. This happened almost 24 hours ago and I'm feeling a little mental/physical hangover from all that went down.
Cut yourself some slack. It's ok. Your reaction is normal and understandable. I was like you in my early 20s. Being honest was hard and I bobbed and weaved these type of questions from a lot of people, including doctors. As you get older and more comfortable with who you are, this will change. It is a process and my advice to you would be to take baby steps, as each small step grows your confidence. Doctors are actually one of the safest spaces to begin to open up in. I think I was in my mid20s when I grew tired of the birth control and pregnant questions, and finally just told them, "I have sex with women" with a smirk on my face. I wasn't yet able to say, "I'm a lesbian", so I went the humor route. It's funny, as last year before getting my annual mammogram I was filling out the standard form where it asks you, "Is there any chance you are pregnant?". The choices did not reflect my truth, so I simply wrote in large letters, "NOPE. IM A LESBIAN " (with a smiley face of course...didn't want to come off mad). This is how you handle it when you're 47. Turns out, the office changed the form to include a choice of "same sex relationship" (!) It'll get better. Don't beat yourself up. Just take your next baby step when you can.
It's okay, it's totally understandable to feel the way you felt! I still get that feeling over forms asking for that sort of information sometimes, and to this day I don't think I've ever accurately filled out my information regarding my orientation or gender in one. You're under no obligation to out yourself. I had a similar experience one time - there's nothing quite like being warmly reassured on a matter of sexual health by a well-meaning nurse who just keeps on referring to an assumed male partner. I couldn't bring myself to correct her (although I'm usually quite good at going "Uh, gay, actually" - I suppose it was her earnestness that threw me). Cue the 'mmhmm', the nods, the going along with it and getting the whole conversation over with and feeling pretty bothered by it afterwards. What I can say, though, is that at least in my experience I've never had a bad reaction when I have gone 'Uh, gay, actually." Often they seem more embarrassed to have made the assumption than I've felt to correct them! But yeah, I can't stress enough that you're under no obligation to out yourself. Take whatever steps you want to take in your own time.
Thanks for the words of reassurance They really did make me feel better about my situation. I can't wait until the day I am comfortable in my skin and don't feel like the world is ending every time I come out:lol:
