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How to tell girlfriend of 10 years.....

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Limbo86, Sep 1, 2015.

  1. Limbo86

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    Hello!

    I stumbled across this forum around a year ago always been meaning to post but always put it off "il do it tomorrow"

    Anyway tomorrow finally came! Il try keep this short just looking for advice.

    I'm 29 and I've always questioned my sexuality for as long as I can remember. When I went to Uni with let's just see what happens attitude and ended up meeting my girlfriend and was able to do the things straight people do so I assumed I was straight.

    Although over the years I've been losing interest in women and have gained interest in guys again to a point where I have lost all interest in women. Feels like I just woke up gay one day If that Makes sense.

    Although I've ever been with a guy I'm like 90% sure I'm gay although I still find it hard to admit....

    My issues is I do t know what to do now. Everyone thinks we are the perfect couple I don't even know how I would even begin telling her, let alone my friends whom overtime have become "our" friends.

    I don't really know any other gay people apart from one friend who really struggled coming out i sometimes think about texting him and telling him but I'm not sure if that is a good idea we aren't the closet friends but it's something

    Any advice would be much appreciated though

    Thanks!
     
  2. Connorcode

    Connorcode Guest

    For your own sanity and happiness, and for her's, you have to tell her.
    Discuss your relationship with her. Of course, you don't need to go full on and break up all at once but you need to make progress towards a situation where you can date who you like. Go gently.

    I'm sure other people here at EC will have experience and good advice to share.
     
  3. Yossarian

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    Your gay friend who struggled with coming out would be an excellent person for you to talk to, because he had the same kind of problem you have about coming out. Perhaps you can be closer to him when he understands your common experience, and he can help you figure how the best way to withdraw from your girlfriend, or at least be there for you when you do.
     
  4. blaziken25

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    You're going to have to tell her ....... good luck.
     
  5. xxCHAOTIC

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    I had to break it to my boyfriend of four and a half years, that I was trapped in a lease with. He's been nothing but understanding and supportive. It'll be hard on her, but with time, I'm sure that the dust will settle and life will go on. Staying in a relationship where you have no interest is far worse than the temporary upset of ending it.

    I also think reaching out to your friend is a good idea. You might not have been close before, but who knows. This may forge a new, stronger friendship than before.
     
  6. JB2015

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    You’re not alone.

    I had a girlfriend for 4 years (from age 17-21) even though I’ve known for sure I was gay since I was 12, and first felt I might be gay when I was 7.

    Without going in to the other reasons why we broke up, I later found out one of the reasons she broke up with me is because she knew I was gay and wanted me to be happy, (even though I told her I thought I was bi before we started dating).
    I think if she loves you, she might be hurt, yes, but most people just want there boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wifes to be happy.

    If you look in the threads LGBT Later in Life and Family, Friends, and Relationships, you’ll find more users in this predicament, even some who are/have been married to opposite sex spouses.

    Do you think you two can stay friends? If so, I’d go for that.

    But I’d say right now deal with this relationship, be honest, speak from your heart, answer questions if she has them, figure out what you two what in terms of the future level of your relationship, and go from there.

    I’m so glad you’re able to be honest with yourself about who you are.
    Many people in your position would have tried to stay in the opposite sex relationship and make it go away for the rest or most of their life.

    I tried for years, even while I was dating my girlfriend, so I can imagine how hard/confusing this is for you.

    We will be here to help you with all of this.

    I also agree with those who say reach out to your gay friend.

    You'll want to have someone in the gay community ro talk to.
    Trust me, it will be a tremendous help.

    Best of luck.
     
  7. danielz5

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    Very brave of you to post, Limbo86.

    A few thoughts:
    1. Based on what you're saying, it sounds like you have more than an incidental attraction to men, given that you've questioned your sexuality all of your life, and that recently your interest in women has really waned while your interest in men has grown. Having been in a similar situation before, I can tell you that your interest in men is something that you really need to explore, for the purposes of your own happiness.
    2. You really need to tell your GF. Yes you were together for 10 years and yes it's complicated, but you must do it for your happiness and her happiness. It can always be more complicated -- you could be engaged, or married. I'm sure your girlfriend has marriage at least somewhere in her mind, so it's most fair and honest if you tell her how, so you two can figure out how to progress.
    3. I'd talk to your gay friend if you feel that you can trust him. Otherwise, I'd go to an anonymous source or hotline where you can get some confidential advice and talk it out.

    Congrats on coming to this realization and having the courage to write about it! You're on the road to real and true happiness because everyone has a right to love in this world a person that they can truly love.

    Best,
    DZ