Regretting not coming out earlier

Yes! I have these same thoughts, been thinking about this so many times...

I also think coming out later is not going to stop, and in parts of the world like Eastern and Central Europe it's just going to get more prevalent, I think.

I've read so many times about some people stating how open Europe is towards LGBT, and that is maybe true for a few countries in the west and north, but the rest is far from that. Yes, it's moving, but still behind.

So yes, there is one thought that comes repeatedly to my mind, to start writing a blog about my struggles around realizing and accepting my sexuality. I'm not in the position to give advices yet to others, but I know how much it meant for me to read other people's stories and find how much I can relate to those.

 

I can't express how much I heart this thread. Well, yes, I suppose I could and that's what I"m doing. Before we get too far away from the story of the 3 fates though, I wanted to talk about an association I have with that archetype.

I blogged about this very story when my maternal grandmother passed away at 97. She learned to knit and crochet as a young girl, her gift was for lacework. I drew the comparison of her life, with how it could be measured (most deftly) in thread (as all of our lives are measured by the fates), but that also she was so skilled, so capable, that each project, no matter how intricate the pattern, bore her distinctive, and beautiful touch.

That's it I suppose; you must give it more time in order to have this particular skill bear your distinctive mark. We, the "out late, but great," are not accustomed to not being able to put our signature, our stamp, on something. It may be something as complex as a long term relationship, or attending/participating in a pride event. How we exist in that context is new, until it isn't; then, we may be able to participate more fully.

Very interested in how this thread develops, thank you for starting it.

 

I still agree with greatwhale.

Although you should not ignore the past and should acknowledge it, why waste more time by concerning yourself with the perception of time wasted and something you cannot change. The only way you can 'change' things is to move toward peace and acceptance with your past. Don't forget your past, but focus on your future because at least you have some level of control with that. There are also straight people that feel regret for time they perceive as wasted, it is human to do so. Regardless of your sexuality/situation, you can obviate wasting more time by accepting yourself/your past and doing your best to stay positive about the past/present/future, but try to focus your energy on the present and future rather than the past. Don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself.

P.S. Don't get me wrong, I have the same feelings that started this post and feel negative from time to time, but I am working on my attitude/approach to reach a place of peace and acceptance.

All hail the greatwhale!

 

I don't like to use the word regret, but that is what I've feeling in a way. The thing is, when I was a teenager, all of my sexual experiences were with guys. And when I started dating, that was with guys too. By 19/20 in college, I was openly identifying as gay and all of my friends knew it. Then a female friend, who was one of my best friends, started flirting with me. And I was curious at least about girls (had watched plenty of straight porn in my life, even if I only enjoyed it when the guy was attractive in it, ha) so I gave it a go. And I enjoyed it, but maybe part of that was because we had an emotional connection thanks to the friendship. So we kept doing it. And after a week or so, we decided we wanted to date officially. We were both looking for a relationship at the time, school was ending, it was the perfect storm. And we stayed together for the next 7 years...

I can't help but wonder if I hadn't gotten into that relationship, if I would have continued dating men and possibly be with a guy long term by now, as oppose to being with another woman (who I do truly love) and questioning if I'm bi or gay.

Essentially, I came out, and then went back in. That's hard not to regret.

 

Sorry, don't get it. If you're bisexual, how does your having a multiyear relationship with a woman constitute "going back into the closet?"
In any case, lots of people have relationships with other people they come to regret. Was there really nothing positive you gained from the experience?

 

I'm not even entirely sure I'm bisexual. Right now, I'm feeling very confused about what label, if any, I should/could/would put on my sexuality. There's a part of me that definitely thinks at the time that I started that relationship with a woman, it didn't make the most sense overall. I more regret that I may have stolen the chance from myself to be young and gay and figure out what I want from a relationship with a guy (if I even wanted that). I don't regret having been with her based on her. In terms of positives gained from the relationship, I like to think I learned what not to do to another partner...but then I've spent a good long time doing it all again to my current partner. And this is why I've started therapy.

 

ComingOutSwinging, you may not be in your early 20's anymore, but you're not that old. Sure, a 15 year old might perceive you as old, but who cares about that. I wish I would have come out sooner and explored my bisexuality, or the homosexual side of it, earlier as well, but I didn't, so here I am now, figuring it out. It's never too late... there are people that don't come out until much later in life and are doing just fine. Enjoy the youth you have and don't dwell on things you can't control, is it really worth wasting anymore time? Do you want to look back when you're older and think, I wish I hadn't wasted all that time when I was 32? I don't mean to say your feelings are not merited as I've had them too, and I realize it makes it more complicated, but look for the positives. You're at a fine age for exploring, get out there and live man!

There are also people that never come out, but that is another story.

 

Thank you for this.

 

Sending you sympathetic vibes from someone who went to a women's college and somehow never found her way to a woman's bed! Now I'm married and there's nothing to do about it. I am happy enough, but realizing I'll likely never be with a woman has been very hard. I'm pretty upset with my former self.

Nonetheless, I have to focus on enjoying this stage of my life now, realizing some people never get it at all.

 

This guy recently passed, here is a quote that i think is applicable to this thread.

With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself, or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.

-Wayne Dyer

 

We all have our "should'a, could'a, would'as" but keep in mind, you know you learned something about yourself (always a huge gain) and you saw that you were repeating the behavior and want to stop that. While I don't believe everything I read (nothing personal) I would congratulate you on taking some major steps .

 

CapColors your words resonate with me so much. I'm in nyc too, your age, and wish I could take you out for coffee to chat about our stories but the EC messages don't let me send you a private message... anyway...

I've always prided myself on not regretting anything in life. And that is probably because I have never had any terrible choices to make, and have lived a very sheltered life now that I look at it.

But now I will regret. Because I am gay, or at least bi, and I want so much to have a real relationship with a woman I've met. But I'm married to a good man, who is ok with an open marriage.

So if I leave him to be my "authentic" self, I will regret it, because he is understanding, loves me, wants to stay married, and would let me indulge on the side. What more could I ask for?

But if I stay with him and just have friends w/ benefits relationships with women on the side, I will always feel like I missed out and that I'm living in a cage.

I think regret is a real part of the Coming out later in life process. Especially in the beginning stages.