So I've been sitting here thinking about the all the different aspects that have enabled me to live in denial, and prevent me from accepting my true sexuality & my true self. Here are a few things I have experienced: Firstly, there is, of course, ingrained societal expectations, and the struggle to tell the difference between different types of attractions. I've had a long-running hypothetical crush on a male friend who is just that - a friend. Right from the moment I saw him, I knew we were very similar people and had a lot in common, and so wanted to get to know him - but only in a platonic sense. Regardless of this, and regardless of the fact I didn't experience a physical sexual attraction to him, I convinced myself that I wanted to date him, and that I wanted him to have feelings for me. I wanted to like him so badly, that after a while, the fantasy began to manifest into physical symptoms. Even now, whenever he texts me, or messages me online, a thrill jolts through me, and a wave of happiness washes over me. It feels so pure, so freeing, yet if I actually try to root it to reality - to him as a person - it all but disintegrates. Worse still, when we hang out, it's like I involuntarily slip through this filter - I become a completely different person - perhaps, an ideal version of myself. This process in itself has become addictive, and almost feeds into the fantasy. I have tried to combat it while I'm with him - by reminding myself of who I am, by centering myself somewhat. And for a while, it works. I can chat to him as I would any friend I feel a great deal of fondness for, and nothing else. But then, after a while, situational expectations seep back in. He does something kind, like pay for my dinner, we have fun & a laugh together, and I start to feel things for him again. Yet I know these feelings are still under my control (and thus, not entirely real) and not very deep or connected to me as a person. And then there's other male friends - the flirty, touchy-feely types. I've found I respond sexually to these advances - whether they are verbal or physical (moreso when they are physical). I'm not attracted to these friends, but these experiences serve to remind me that I do have a sex drive - and that I crave sex as a physical act regardless of who it's with. Growing up, I hated the idea of sex because I knew it was dependent upon an attraction which I just wasn't feeling towards guys. But now I've started to regard sexual behaviour as something not necessarily concurrent with sexual orientation, I don't have so much of a problem imagining myself engaging in it. Also, there is this societal idea of men validating your status as a woman - the feeling of protection, dominance etc - all things I have absorbed and now, on a shallow level, find appealing. Lastly, there is empathy. I'm not sure if this is quite the right word, but I've found - as a queer person living in a heteronormative world, surrounded by heterosexual narratives (both micro and macro) I've begun to, in a sense, understand what it feels like to be an orientation which I am not. Of course, it's only an impression or shadow of what it truly feels like - yet these impressions have been clear enough to allow me to disassociate from my core identity, and left me feeling, for a long time, almost self-less. I began to hate my true identity, and I know that it's going to be a long struggle to get back to being that person I should have been, let alone love & accept that person. Anyway, these are just a few of the symptoms I've experienced growing up in denial. I'd like to hear other people's stories of how they kept the denial up, or what aspects caused them to experience so much confusion.
I can relate to a lot of this (just not the growing up hating sex part). When guys flirt, or are touchy-feely, etc., even if I was feeling some level of attraction to them before, I find myself getting really excited (not turned on, unless it becomes sexual and about him pleasing me, but more like an adrenaline rush), and I want to keep it going, like a game. I believed this meant I wanted to be physical with the guys, and so I would act on it, even though I knew that I wasn't feeling desire towards them. When I did act on it, which wasn't often, it wasn't that hot. Some guys do turn me on, of course, but it's almost impossible for me to get off from just fantasizing about having sex with a man. It always has to be about being dominated by a man, but I don't think about what the man looks like. And that's why I know I must be around a Kinsey 4. I used to never understand why my female friends wanted to date any of the guys. Sleep with them? Sure. But date? I just assumed it was just that I was not a very emotional person. I realize now it's just because I'm not very romantically attracted to men. I get crushes, but they go away easily and are basically just me wanting to hang out and talk to the guy, or maybe be sexual (if there were a romantic version of the Kinsey scale, I'd be around a 5). I remember when I realized I was attracted to women (or recognized what I had been suppressing), the romance aspect made more sense: Oh, that's why people do those couple things! That's what I want to do with this girl!
I relate to every single thing you mentioned, and I've been struggling with all of it lately. I feel guilty for enjoying men being attracted to me. And I never used to like it, so I feel like I am continuing to distance myself from my true self. I almost feel like I have become an actress as a full time job because I've really absorbed heteronormative society and I've fully overlapped this idealized self that I would have been if I was straight on top of my real self for people to see. And it leaves me so disgusted in myself, and definitely lonely because how can you truly connect with others, if the person you present yourself as isn't you? Being in denial really messes with your head, and it's scary to think how long it will take to unlearn all of the behaviors I've acquired while in the closet. I think that's why coming out is so scary and life altering, because it forces you to take away that straight alter ego security blanket after depending on it for years. And I totally relate to what you said about being in control. I want to live freely without being so in control of my feelings and actions and words. I have developed social anxiety over the years with my need to be aware of how I come across to others.
Exactly! I mean, I guess to some extent everyone's identity changes a little according to their environment, but I really feel like because I suppressed my true self for so long, I'll only be able to experience myself as that person with a woman I have feelings for, who's able to bring out that true self. It's awful having to wait for that to happen, since I can't even feel or be that person around my family. The thought of the journey I still need to make, the pain I'll have to go through to get back to that person, and like that person, well, it honestly makes me feel suicidal. As far as guys go though, it's like I would actually develop feelings as that idealised self, with my sense of self also merging with the person they see me as. But whenever confronted about these feelings by friends, they suddenly feel fake. But when I'm with that crush (for example, the most recent one I've mentioned) I find myself now having to fight the onset of feelings, just because I can't trust them - I know under any inspection they would dissipate. What's annoying is once I realised I was gay, the chance of those "feelings" emerging should have stopped, but lately the opposite has happened. I have to really concentrate and fight off this filtering process in order to see them how I truly feel - as a friend. I guess it's just me clinging onto that last chance saloon at heterosexuality. If I say to myself, right, so you have feelings for them then - it just doesn't ring true. Whereas the thought of having real, painful, involuntary feelings for a girl feels so possible and true.
Yup yup yup. I do get overwhelmed with sadness, but I've tried working on my thoughts. I try to picture a happy future, even if I have no idea how I'll get there. It probably helps that I'm too idealistic for my own good. And I remind myself to relax and that what I'm feeling is normal and all that jazz. It sucks but you can't be so harsh on yourself when you're already going through so much. But I wish you the best with everything
I must be very sexually fluid. For years I identified as gay to find out when I got older that I actually am bi. I have been having these sexual fantasies of been wanting to do sexual things with women and I get really turned on by it. It was actually pretty scary to admit to myself that I am bisexual but maybe somewhat more gay leaning. I am somewhere between Kinsey 3 and 4.
Interesting. Did you assume you were gay based on the real life attractions you experienced, or was it more of a gut feeling?
