I can't believe I'm here right now. I don't know for sure if I am gay but I have always felt a little different since I was a kid. I just had a major crisis and thought about suicide. It's time I deal with these issues. My dad is a very homophobic Christian who told me and my brother when we were children to not be gay. I remember that day vividly for some reason. I also had crushes on girls since I was in elementary school. But I don't know if that was real or not. When I was 14 or 15 I started having homoerotic fantasies. Since then I tried to repress them and I wanted to prove my masculinity by sleeping with lots of girls. I love girls but maybe it's not the same kind of love as straight men feel. I really don't know. I act masculine but am very closed off from everyone. I have isolated myself and have no friends and barely connect with my family. I have had a couple random gay experiences. I really liked it, but at the same time, I don't like the idea of kissing a man. Just sex. So, this is my first post. I will try to continue down this journey and see where it takes me.
1. you're ok. if you are having any suicidal thoughts, pls. seek help asap. 2. yeah, you might be gay. and that's cool, too. 3. like many here, i tried to forget about homoerotic thoughts and focus on a life with a woman, marriage, etc. 4. it didn't work for me and, if you're gay, it won't work for you. the important thing is... 5. You're ok! Take a deep breath. You may well be gay. And as hard as it this is to imagine from where you're standing now - it's going to be good. 6. everyone is on their own journey. this is part of yours. take a deep breath and be proud of where you are.
Thanks for your reply. I guess sexuality is fluid. Some days I feel straight, some days I feel gay. lol
Yes, it can be a bit confusing when you repress things for so long. I am 29 and only recently came out...when you are so used to repressing what you feel, you start to question which feelings are genuine and which are not. For me, I am gay...but I had only been with women ...so I thought I was bi for a long time. But, you may be bi, and have a preference for one sex or the other....
I'm definitely in a very similar place right now. Questioning if I might be gay as oppose to bi. I've started therapy focused specifically on this, and I've been told to expect to deal with a lot of emotions I never have before because I've done a lot of building barriers around them. I'm kind of scared, and part of me feels like I already know what the end result will be, but I have to see it through to at least finally know myself.
When you are gay, you may feel that you are "different" from your straight friends. BUT, you don't know how they feel, or how YOU are supposed to feel if you are straight or gay. You have no reference point to compare yourself to, which is not unusual at all. Here is a clue, you had sexual experiences with another male and you liked it. That is pretty gay. However, you did not have an emotional attachment to them and feel reluctant to kiss another man. That can be pretty confusing to anyone. It is possible that your sexual attraction is towards other men, but that you want to have all the "normal" emotions and benefits of being straight and being attracted to women, and have been conditioned by your upbringing to consider homosexuality to be "wrong". What you will have to do is more exploration of your male attraction, to see if you are really attracted ONLY to men, and if your lack of an "emotional" connection is just that you haven't met the right man yet. It may be a long journey; don't get too hasty and try to shortcut your way to happiness by marrying a woman you have no physical attraction to before you figure yourself out. That would be a tragic mistake for both you and her.
