Am I gay? Am I straight? or maybe I am bisexual... Questions I have thought so long about since the age of 16 I cannot honestly tell who I am anymore, everything is so muddled. I am 27 and only had one relationship, it was with a female and didn't last long. We messed around sexually but never had sex it was just what you would call foreplay. I can go months just thinking about women, and be solely attracted to women then out of the blue my orientation changes like that, in an instant. That is not exaggerated. I can literally be sitting down doing something and I will start to feel a strong attraction to males, at which point I am 100% no longer attracted to females, at all. Then however long down the road bam back to females with no sexual feeling towards males at all. I seem to either be 100% into males or 100% into females. I've been alone so long I don't know if I could even be in a relationship anymore... I am so introverted I never go out. I have never really connected with another person. I am totally oblivious to what is required in a relationship, it seem foreign to me. Letting someone see any sort of personal side of me scares the living crap out of me. So I have no relationship experience, I have never really been with a male or female and the only reason I was with a female is I knew I could try it and be fine. Part of me wants to try with a male but the stigma of sleeping with a male stops me, meaning if I sleep with a woman and end up with a male partner then the gay community as a whole totally gets experimenting and finding out who you are. But if I end up with a female and I have slept with a guy... that tends to not go down to well. All of this floating around my head I am still left with the question, what the hell am I? The kicker is I told my family I was gay when I was 16, which has turned out great, they are supportive and don't question me about not bringing a partner to a gathering. I am not even sure why I posted to be honest, I never talk about this sort of stuff, I tend to keep to myself. I guess I am just extremely frustrated, I could scream. Maybe I'm a little slow, I feel like I have searched the depths of my souls waiting for an answer to Who am I for so long now and missed out on so much. Life is literally passing me by.
It is difficult to figure out your sexual orientation when there's little to no social interaction with other people. What you fantasize about and the reality of what you could feel for someone you like are two very different things. Porn or fantasies or just thoughts are no indicator of someone's sexual orientation. That's why your thoughts are all over the place. I think trying to label yourself right now is only going to bring more frustration and confusion. I would suggest you try to address what seems to be social phobia first. Maybe talk to a therapist to help you with that. But for sure, you need to get out there and interact with real people.
Thanks for the reply, I have gone out. I maybe should of expanded on what I said but my post felt massive already. When I was younger, I went to parties, even join in on gay communities had male and female friends... But slowly I just withdrew. Growing up before my first and only relationship at the age of 24 I grew close to males. I was attracted to them, but it was beyond just sexual. In terms of a loving romantic relationship in the traditional sense, I have wanted both (M&F) at one stage or another. The possibility of being bi is not what has frustrated me. I can except being bi if I was. But the change is so black and white I never feel attracted to male and female at the same time, and its more then sexually... I think about relationships still of course, and depending on what I am feeling I could find myself day dreaming about being in a loving relationship with a male or female. I just find it so frustrating that I have these monumental changes in attraction. I go from wanting a relationship with a male, and being sexually attracted to males to not even a hint of attraction and become totally attracted to females in the same sense. I would love to be Bi in the sense I have a stronger attraction to one sex over the other but it changes almost on a whim. It confused me when i was younger I thought I was still struggling with being gay, I would join in with local gay communities then next moment not feel anything, and think maybe Im not get, learn to deal with it and start chasing some girls than hey presto I would want a boyfriend. I hardly watch porn and prefer to conjure up romances in my head, they cannot be one night stand situations, as that is a massive turn off for me, I have to imagine being in an relationship, which sounds funny because I am scared of opening up... mainly because I don't even understand me or know me. I tried getting out there, really I did and that is what pulled me back. I would surround myself in a particular group start to be happy and then my brain decides to flip a switch and throws everything out, how can I commit to a relationship if halfway through my brain says I am no longer attracted to whatever sex I am dating.
Do you find you literally go from being attracted to men, then women but not both, or do you perhaps just find certain individuals attractive..?
