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Unsent - To my married fling

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Sixu83, Aug 22, 2015.

  1. Sixu83

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    Dear C

    It was morally questionable from the moment we first talked online. It was never intended to turn into what it was, you were after all married. At the time I was content for it just to be a one time thing. Hindsight is such a wonderful thing, but we got wrapped up in the flirtatious messages, and one thing led to another as it so often does.

    As absurd as it was, and as I admitted to you when you asked, I liked you the first moment I saw you. It never has happened this way to me before. I liked how we had such obvious chemistry, it never felt awkward. How we used to message each other daily or very often, how you opened upto me about how guarded you were or tried to make me understand how you were rationalising your sexuality, and how you allowed me to counter these with obvious truths you were probably too scared to deal with. We shared a lot about each other, but you were so hesitant; I tried my best to make you trust me, but I don't think you had the courage to.

    Guilt and shame are heavy burdens, one you obviously shouldered the most. Even so, when I gave you the opportunity for me to leave it, you said you didnt want that either. Yet, 4 days later of radio silence, you no longer wanted anything more than to be friends, as the prospect of sneaking around any more was just too exhausting for you. Of course I understood, but this is what you wanted, didn't you? You wanted to make a connection with me because you were into me. It progressed more than you initially wanted because deep down its something you've undoubtedly wanted since your teens. Isn't that true? You've just ran from it all your life.

    I wish you could see the level of denial and a life of being unfulfilled you've chosen for yourself and for what? You're 29, One does not cheat on his wife of two years with 4 separate guys over 9 months, for nothing. You can't, as you put it, “work on my marriage” if fundamentally you're not fulfilled. Neither is she, how can she be? I tried not to pass judgement (how could I?) and to be supportive with you, but as I said before, its easier for you to ignore me than to open up to me.

    Our two month thing was pretty intense, for the both of us. This last week has been difficult, seeing you pull away, ignoring my attempts to talk to you or giving me minimal time. Only 7 days ago you were sending me such flirtatious messages. I've been suffocated and confused by your hot and cold treatment. I'm not going to lie its hurt me a lot more than I've lead on to you. Angry too. I've been running 10k several times a week to just vent the frustration I feel at you and your obvious refusal to meet me, just to talk. I dont know why this is so hard. Am I really so awful?

    Youve known for a while that I was going away to Italy for a few months with work in September. All I asked was for you to meet me over a drink to say goodbye. That's all I wanted, just as friends. You chose to ignore this too. The more I thought about it today, the less happy I became. I'm tired of making excuses for your behaviour. I'm tired of being understanding. I'm tired of trying to be your fling. I'm tired of trying to be your friend even though you didn't really treat me as one either. Most of all I'm tired of being this person I've become. I must have been insane to allow myself to get involved with a married man. I was so naive to think you'd actually stop running from yourself. I suppose its easier to do that than talk to me, or confront what you're feeling instead of compartmentalising things. You were so gorgeous though, I wanted you so badly. Just as you said about me.

    I do deserve better. I don't deserve your insecurities or your issues. I don't deserve to be ignored for reaching out to you or feeling what's totally natural. I got so wrapped up in so many of the nicest things you said to me, our mutual attraction and how close we were getting that I couldn't see the red flags.

    Although I know it will be hard for the next few weeks, I have to do what's best for me by cutting you out of my life completely. I'm sorry I've blocked your number, but I can't deal with being sidelined any more. No more can I deal with the harsh reality that I can never really date you, hold you close to me at night, hangout with you all day or spend the day in bed. These are all fantasies. Some of which you've encouraged.

    I think maybe you'll see this for yourself one day when you've matured enough to understand what you really truly want. I'd like to see you happy, despite the fact our paths wont likely cross again.

    I think I could have fallen in love with you quite easily though, if things were only different.

    Bye C
    ---------------------------------

    I know this isn't the typical first posting. I just really wanted to vent a bit.:slight_smile:
     
  2. TeamTeal

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    That's a well written letter. :slight_smile: although given his behaviour, he's probably not ready to hear all this and will do nothing of it, it'll be liberating for you to move forward.
     
  3. awesomeyodais

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    This may sound backwards but
    - I'm really happy for you that you've made the difficult decision to move on, and that you deserve better etc... - sometimes posting stuff like this makes it more "real", so hopefully it helps you
    - I'm sad for your "friend" that he's in that situation - hope he gets help to sort out his feelings
    - I'm also sad for the wife who presumably is in the dark
     
  4. Sixu83

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    Thanks for the comments. It's good to just vent it out, as its not something I can really talk to my friends about for obvious reasons. One thing is definitely clear, it is liberating to just stop trying, life is simply to short to waste on someone who obviously doesn't care.:slight_smile:
     
  5. TeamTeal

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    I don't think it is that he doesn't care. He just seems to be in very big denial and not ready to leave everything behind.

    But you definitely have the right attitude. :thumbsup:
     
  6. Sixu83

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    You could be right, maybe he does. I just don't think I can hang my life on a maybe. I mean, its clear hes been into me in the past, even said so a week or so ago. I just cant handle being sidelined and ignored.

    The thing is, I was prepared to help be there for him with the denial, even as friends. I just dont think he wants that either. Its frustrating, but its not something I can remedy.

    I just wonder if any ex-married guys on here have any insight?

    Thanks Teamteal :thumbsup:
     
  7. TeamTeal

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    Well, I'm not a guy but I was in your situation when I started dating my now wife. She was married to a man at the time and for sure, living a double life is no easy thing, nor is making the decision to get a divorce and come out as gay overnight.

    My wife and I both lived a life of guilt and absolute misery for many months and it did come to bite us in the butt when we realized what was really going on. At some point, she decided to put an end to it, with the infamous "I wanna work on my marriage" BS. We both were messes. Only 2 months passed before she begged me to see her again. It took me a while to accept, but I guess I was ready to take that risk. Six months later, she was leaving him. To this day, I still admire her courage to have left her husband and everything else it implied (including moving back to her country of origin with nothing but the hope that our story would work).

    But I do realize that my story is quite out of the ordinary and that I am lucky it worked out for us. To be honest, if I had to do it all over again without knowing the outcome, I probably wouldn't. Which is why I am not encouraging you to continue pursuing that relationship. 95% of the time, the married one stays unhappily married and the other one remains heartbroken.

    The reason he probably doesn't even want you as a friend is precisely because he knows he probably couldn't resist his desires. So he prefers to cut you out completely. At least he's being somewhat consistent with his denial. :dry:

    I hope you'll soon find someone who's available and not in denial. (*hug*)
     
  8. Sixu83

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    Thats the kind of insight I really wanted to hear. Its difficult for me, and im sure for you to understand what goes through their mind with all the life choices theyve made. Ive been out since the age of 16 it was never something I thought too much about. I just knew what I was and that was that.

    Your wife probably opened up a lot more about the turmoil she went through and the choices she made, compared to my guy. More than this though, im eternally grateful to speak to someone who has gone through it from my perspective too.

    I think what you said about him finding it difficult in being friends is a dead certainty. He did say once that he probably wouldnt finish his drink before hed drag me to bed to paraphrase. I didnt think of that until now and what you also said. Perhaps its a form of self preservation. If he avoids contact with me and meeting up it means he can save his marriage. Burying what feelings he has for me deep down hoping itll go away. In that way I understand. On the other hand, with me weeks away from leaving the UK, I just wanted to see him again to say goodbye. Him ignoring it just hurt even more. Like I cant win here. I cant be involved with him as more than friends and I cant also be friends with him either. I cant have a friendship thats solely based on whatsapp when he lives only nine miles away.

    Talk about damned if I do damned if I dont. This is why I chose to just move on. I need to be happy when pursuing guys not feeling terrible, guilty or conflicted.

    Dont misunderstand though. Of course I care about him still, he has a lot of great characteristics and we definitely wpuld have something if it was possible. But I recognise this is not a good situation for me. :slight_smile: