I've been in the closest most of my life. About 10 years ago, I met a girl who became my best friend. My family tried to push the whole God hates gays things on me and sent me to a christian seminar with "former" homosexual speakers. That was something that broke me and made me hate myself. I still hate myself because I can't be what everyone wants. Anyway, before we started dating, I told her I was gay. She pursued interest and I went along with it since I wanted to not be gay anymore. (and we were best friends anyway) After that, I just pretended it went away... that I was straight and I tried to be too. Now 9 years later, I'm still attracted to men more than ever. I decided it was no longer right for me to take this girls life away and I told her I am still gay. She tried to tell me "well don't act on those feelings and God will still love you and I still love you." It was as if she still thought we were going to have some kind of chance. I told her I was gay and that we should break up. It's really hard because we live together and we have been best friends for years. I can't turn to my family because they don't understand. I just feel like if I was born attracted to women my life would be easier. I wouldn't question my orientation and I'd be like everyone else around me. I understand that she is angry at me, but I don't know what to do. I'm on disability for social anxiety and don't really have anywhere to go. So for now we are living on separate ends of the house. I just wish I could accept this. It's not even about everyone else accepting me... I can't accept me. I wish I could, but I just don't love myself. I wish I wasn't born gay and I didn't have to ruin my girlfriends heart. She wants kids and marriage and I know that this isn't something I can ever give to her. It just sucks losing my best friend in the world over something I wish I could change. (I tried for 9 years to change and it didn't work)
Wow, you put a lot of time and effort into trying be "straight". It must be difficult to accept that it didn't work. Try to give yourself a break, because you've been through a lot. Being hard on yourself for not accepting yourself straight away is like berating yourself for not being able to write neatly with your toes. It's not something you've done very much of (if at all), so expecting perfection straight away isn't going to make perfection happen. Definitely look at professional therapy, or perhaps start reading some books or watching videos of people who have been through similar things. Or get chatting to some of the religious and/or "ex-straight" people on here (who I hope will see your post and respond).
I started therapy a few weeks ago. I still haven't come out to my therapist because I'm scared of what he will think. I really respect this man, and if I can't except the fact I'm gay, how can he? I just wish I could except the fact that I'm gay, I really do. I don't know why I dislike myself/being gay so much. I just want everyone to like me. I've heard my family & friends make the "faggot" remarks here and there and it breaks my heart to know how they truly feel about me. I didn't ask for this, and I've tried to change myself and I can't. I just want to be happy and I don't know how. ---------- Post added 21st Aug 2015 at 12:28 AM ---------- It's not like this just started yesterday.... I've been solely attracted to men since I can remember. (10+ years) I tried to change for my family, friends, and church... nothing made me feel any different. I just feel lost & that no one close to me understands. I'm currently living with my ex-girlfriend since I don't have any money for a place of my own. She keeps trying to tell me to go to my parents and I just can't do that. They are on drugs and their home is a toxic environment for me. I'm going to try and save up over the next few months and get a place of my own. I just feel so terrible for what I've put my girlfriend through...she didn't deserve any of this. I tried for years to be straight but I just can't do it. I'm not attracted to women and every time we had sex was just torture. I don't know what to do....
[QUOTEreligious and/or "ex-straight" people on here (who I hope will see your post and respond).[/QUOTE] [/COLOR]It's not like this just started yesterday.... I've been solely attracted to men since I can remember. (10+ years) I tried to change for my family, friends, and church... nothing made me feel any different. I just feel lost & that no one close to me understands. I'm currently living with my ex-girlfriend since I don't have any money for a place of my own. She keeps trying to tell me to go to my parents and I just can't do that. They are on drugs and their home is a toxic environment for me. I'm going to try and save up over the next few months and get a place of my own. I just feel so terrible for what I've put my girlfriend through...she didn't deserve any of this. I tried for years to be straight but I just can't do it. I'm not attracted to women and every time we had sex was just torture. I don't know what to do....[/QUOTE] Hello Abe, having replied to another post of yours,I am sorry for what you are going through. It is completely wrong and insensitive of your family to treat you the way you have described. Also, while understanding that she is your best friend, you did be honest with her from the beginning and throughout. So do not feel entirely guilty for your girlfriend. It was something unfortunate but hope things take a better turn for your soon
Sorry you had to go through all of that, very heartbreaking. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stay away from the toxic environments you've mentioned. It really will only bring you further down. I had a flashback of a couple of people I knew who did stick around within these bad environments just because it was their family, and it did not end up well at all. Trying to change your orientation will only bring a further level of unnecessary pain that you really do want to avoid. It's true that your girlfriend didn't deserve any of this, but whether she knows it or not, she is a victim of social homophobia. You'll come across scores of other people on this forum who've come out to their spouses decades after being married. Is there anybody in your family or friend group who you could consider to be a little bit more open minded about this issue? Do you think you can confide in anybody?
Hi Abe Welcome to EC :welcome: You've found a loving and supportive community. Trust me - you are doing the right thing by telling your GF now. It would have been way harder had you gotten married and kids were involved. What your parents did to you by sending you to what appears to be some form of reparative therapy is horrible. You do not deserve this treatment! There is nothing wrong with being gay. Love yourself for who you are brother ride: While I didn't come from a religion with ingrained homophobia, I did grow up in an era where I learned that being gay was wrong. You don't hate you. The scripts that you learned growing up are causing you to feel shame about being gay and hate yourself. You are a wonderful loving person who has tried so hard to please everyone except yourself. I highly recommend reading The Velvet Rage - A compelling read that has opened my eyes to the landscape of gay culture and even some of the things that I did to deal with the shame before coming out (and even before I came out to myself). You will want to work with your therapist about putting the needs of others ahead of your own. If your therapist doesn't accept your being gay, he's a bad therapist and you should find one that's LGBTQ friendly. I congratulate you for starting your journey towards authenticity. Get angry and start fighting for what you want.
It's hard. But IMHO if she can't see that you won't change she has either been influenced by her parents or others to much or she doesn't deserve to be your friend anyway. You are doing the right thing by telling her. She may not realise it but you are stopping her from trying to make the impossible happen. Also welcome to EC and +1 to mangotree's comment about writing with your toes.
