"Straight" Friend Treats Me Weirdly

He's definitely bi or gay. I had an issue with a guy at work whom I told (and should NOT have) that I liked guys. He told me he liked me, when he has a husband. He used to stop what he was doing to follow me around while I worked. We didn't have the same job. He's a stocker (stalker) and I'm maintenance. He should even be near me to begin with, especially seeing as how my job requires me to spend most of my time on the general merchandise side as opposed to grocery, where he worked. Right before he quit or got fired, I was working and his brother and husband came into the store accusing me of SLEEPING WITH HIM. This is when I started to have a huge issue. 1. You don't address me AT ME JOB about a personal issue, especially like that. 2. Fuck you for assuming anything without even talking to me.
I blew up at his brother and told him that if he didn't leave I was calling a manager to have him kicked out. I went and talked to his husband and told him exactly what was going on, and that he needs to keep his husband (the stalker) and brother in law away from me and for him and anyone else not to come around me when I'm working. Both brothers worked at my store btw.

I guess my point is to watch your back. The dude is my situation was actually crazy (mental issues GALORE) and had been in jail for assault a few times, and had even cheated on his husband and made an attempt at others like he did with me. This guy your dealing with could be a lot of trouble in general. I'd stay away if I were you. Tell him he needs to go away, as rough as it might be. (I'm not good with confrontation so it was a bit awkward.) Good luck with your situation! Hope it works out for the best.

 

I know exactly what you mean. I was lonely when first coming to this city where I knew nobody. When this guy started things, I at first thought he was just being friendly and was excited at the idea of making a friend (my best bud and I were still getting to know each other at that point). I found him very cute, I must say, but of course assumed he was straight (the prior that someone is straight is over 90 or 95 per cent, so it's the natural assumption). As he made his attraction increasingly clear, I updated my beliefs about his orientation and started to fall for him. Then the roller-coaster started, with all the confusion of the inconsistency of his behaviour over time, and between his behaviour and his words.

Without my best bud, whom I do things with all the time, and some other friends and acquaintances, I think I'd have become severely depressed. It was bad enough as it was, but I don't want to think about how much worse it would have been if I hadn't been spending so many weekends and evenings with my best bud and others. I think you really need to spend time with friends, without this other guy being there. I guess that's easier at the lower stages of university, when classes are large and it's easy to meet people. Maybe you can try to meet more people outside of your program?

Do you have any idea what his family would think about it if he told them he's gay? Maybe he's trying to win the approval of his dad, who never paid enough attention to him?

In this case, your situation sounds like the opposite of mine. The guy in my case is very close to his family, and it looks like an ideal family: successful parents, everyone close, etc. It's great, except for the fact that they're religious (and probably conservative), and I'm almost certain he feels like he has to be straight for them. I guess there is another downside, in that he's talked about the pressure he feels to spend time with them, and how they complain if he doesn't phone them enough and spend enough time with them. He talks in a similar way about the need to spend time with his girlfriend, as if it's a sort of duty he has to carry out rather than something he wants to do. That kind of makes me think he might be gay rather than bi. If he is, I feel sad for him and his girlfriend, so I hope I'm wrong.

I must say, I find this puzzling too. The way the guy in my case behaves is kind of more what I'd expect from someone who's closeted. Your situation sounds more confusing. Maybe he's further along in the acceptance process, and trying to indirectly tell people he's gay, but his marriage is standing in the way of saying it directly?

The guy in my case is not homophobic when it's just us, but has said some questionable things around others, and seems to be extremely concerned for people to know he's 'completely straight'. His way of behaving towards me is noticeably different when others are around – unless he's had a sufficient number of drinks, and then he's started flirting with me even with others watching. Maybe he thinks nobody suspects he's not straight, but if he does, I think he's wrong. I've never talked about it with anyone, and I won't, because I respect his privacy, but it's hard not to notice the way some people have stared at times. Once he and I were talking in class, and the eye contact was pretty intense. When I looked away, I noticed this one girl staring at us. Later on, she made a comment about a particular aspect of his personality, suggesting femininity (not in a negative way, but more in a way like she found it endearing). I barely know that girl, but I think she had been working with him on some project. She probably suspects he's not straight.

My best bud, who's sometimes been with the other guy and me when drinking has been involved, might suspect that he's not straight, but if he does, he's never said a word about it. I'm lucky to have him as a friend, because we can talk about anything, but we both respect the privacy of others. That kind of respect is important to me, because I know he respects my privacy too, so I can be totally relaxed around him. If you know someone like that, I think it would really help to spend time with them, and try to just forget about this other guy when doing so.

I know the feeling. When I was going through this emotional stage, and he said he was straight, I thought 'well, I guess I was just really confused'. I took him at his word, and that ended up being a disaster. First, I got upset that he seemed to not want me to be around when he was with other friends and doing things involving drinking (it makes sense if he was afraid they might notice his feelings). Second, I started trying to think about other people, then met someone and mentioned it to him. It apparently hurt him a lot. He didn't say it, but I could see it. Even now, looking back with a clear head at social media photos of him from that time, when he was trying to have fun, I can see that pained look I remember so well. It still brings a tear to my eye. I hate that I did that to him, but how was I supposed to know? FFS, he said he was 'completely straight'. I really thought I had just been severely confused or something, because I had been lonely when I met him. If we end up without even a friendship, I think it will be because I made that mistake of believing him when he said he was straight.

I don't think you should doubt yourself. Based on what you've written, it's clear that he isn't straight. He's just deeply in the closet. Maybe he'll come out one day and maybe he won't. You need to think about yourself, though, and decide whether you want to continue having contact with him.

 

By the way, I want to add that I hope it doesn't sound like I'm saying there's something wrong with you discussing that guy with your friend. I don't mean that at all. When he does it out in the open like that, in front of you and her, it seems like fair game for you to talk to about it.

In my case, we were always either alone when he did it, or if others were around, it was almost only after some drinking, and even then he tried to be discreet (I don't think he was always successful, but I'm sure he was trying). I respect his privacy, and that includes anything done in private or when drinking. In that sense, my situation is a totally different situation to yours, because in your case, he's doing it 'publicly'.

I don't know if you interpreted my comment as a criticism of talking with your friend about that guy, but I just want to be clear on the point that I didn't mean it like that.

Best wishes in finding a solution. (*hug*)

 

His bitch gon' be real mad soon.

 

Is there any way you can avoid him entirely? He doesn't respect you. He doesn't respect his wife. He does things in public that are offensive to both of you. He sounds like a complete wankstain, and definitely not somebody I'd want as a friend, colleague or even acquaintance. What if you just stop responding to his messages and keep responses to a minimum when face-to-face?

 

OMFG!!!!!!! :roflmao::tears:

 

You need to address the topic directly with him. As long as you don't name the problem, he can continue to pretend it's all in a friendly spirit. Let him know you know what he's up to. Demolish his alibi.

---------- Post added 5th Sep 2015 at 12:42 AM ----------

Tangential note: It's always good to meet a fellow Bayesian.

 

Updates? Curious to see how things are going, especially since you two are back to school and everything.

 

I ask because you're the person to bring me to this site and one of my clients is going through something similar to you. I mean, look at all the "straight friend" threads on here.

 

I remember something almost exactly the same when I tried to distance myself. I had been acting distant, and then he invited me and some others for a beer. During that time, he brought up out of the blue that things weren't going well with his girlfriend, and that he was going to break up with her. That had no effect on me, because at that point I wanted nothing to do with him. I remained distant and some time later, when nobody else was around, he asked if I was doing okay. I got really emotional too, and gave the same sort of vague answer. He did break up with her and he did start things up again. Just as before, though, he suddenly stopped some months later, after going home and probably facing pressure from his parents. That's when I realised it's completely hopeless.

I have to admit, if he broke up with his new girlfriend and tried again, I'd probably give him a chance, but not without saying something direct and in private about his behaviour, and asking him to explain it. I'd start by telling him that I'd promise to never mention anything he said to anyone else, and to never betray him or hold it against him if he wanted to try again with a girl. I started to bring up the issue once before, but he acted emotionally blank and 'forgot' things he had done so I quickly backed down. If you can manage to do that and stick to it, even if he starts 'forgetting' and acting like you're crazy, then you really have my respect. It takes a lot of courage.

I don't think you should try to read them. For one thing, he's married. For another, it's unlikely he'll be honest with you. The best way to view his 'signs' is as the strange behaviour of a strange guy, who's got sexual orientation problems he doesn't want to share with you. If he decides to share them, I'd give him a chance if I were you, but if he doesn't, then he's just harming you with his weirdness. I know the feeling all too well.

 

That sounds like a smart approach. This is the most bizarre situation. I'm so sorry he's putting you through all this. And I'm sorry you have to live in the confusion and not having closure. I think you're right to say he'll probably deny everything you hold him accountable for, but I don't think that means he doesn't have feelings for you or his behavior toward you has been inappropriate.

 

I understand your frustration, I really do. But I can't help but feel bad for the other guy though. I am sure he's going through a lot right now and you can imagine how he's struggling with his feelings. It might be worth it to be completely clear to him how his behavior makes you feel, but at the same time maybe you can provide him the sounding board he needs to talk through some of this stuff.

Don't be too hard on your friend either, I'm sure she thought telling him was the best for both of you. It's a tough situation, but I think it could still be resolved in good form if you play your cards right.

Best of luck,

-The Seeker