Should have put out more... ?

Dave, you sound like a nice guy, and I didn't mean to "pile on" and be one of those who criticizes you for your inexperience. But I do think you tend to overthink the sex angle: most gay men your age have had a ton of sex and it no longer means that much to them. I know some guys who, when they meet someone who interests them, prefer to have sex immediately just to get it out of the way; then they go on to see what else they have in common so as to decide whether to pursue the relationship.

I don't much like the question "top or bottom?" either — for me it very much depends on who, where, when. I also don't much like the phone apps — it amuses me no end the number of guys walking around with their faces stuck in their apps not noticing the stunning man walking right by them. There are lots of places to meet other gay men: for me, it's my gay hiking club, gay swim team, gay book group, gay beach etc. I also sometimes go to the bars and dance my ass off.

I think perhaps you just haven't met Mr. Right yet. Don't despair — you're young and he will come along. Just try to be open minded, persevere, and not worry about the sex so much.

 

Me too

I wonder if you are sending a mixed message by being too guarded? I like to get to know a guy before getting physical, and my reaction reading this is that I might have a hard time getting to know you because you may be a little too guarded about your privacy and personal space. Do you think that you might benefit from relaxing and opening up more?

 

Hey, just a thought but maybe you could work on a sort of "canned" answer for those kinds of questions? With help from this crowd? If it is sort-of the norm (which it sounds like it is) for sex to come up quickly in conversation, then maybe you need some light-hearted response which would allow the guy you are talking to to know that you are or might be interested, but that you don't feel comfortable talking about sex like that?

Something like "I only share that information on the third date!" with a wink, or "You don't get that kind of information until you have bought me dinner at least twice!" said in a light way? With potential partners or even friendly women I could see that being a good way of getting people to back off.

I'm sure others might have other ideas.

Would something like that help?

I have a younger brother like you - that chatty if the subject is important to him, but otherwise can be pretty shy and quiet - and I would suggest the same to him.

 

I just wanted to say that I've learned so much from this thread. From the original poster and from all the responses. You're all so great. And Nice Dave, you and I are oddly too similar. It kind of weirds me out haha. But in a good way. It's always nice to know that one is not alone in their struggles. I hope we both find what we're looking for. If you ever want to vent or just talk, I'd like to lend my ear...or my eyes....because I'll be reading from the screen.

 

In reading the posts, I figured I would chime in given the different experience I had after coming out.

As others on the forum know from reading my prior threads, I initially took a reserved approached to sexual intimacy. I had quite a lot of debates and discussions pertaining to the difference between causal sex and intimate sex with someone you care for. I challenged the need for casual sex while learning about human behavior and my own behavior as well.

And through those conversations, I realized that, for many reasons as well as because of societal morals imposed on me, I built my own wall that hurt my self confidence and self esteem; and this hurt my ability to fully express myself and understand whom I am. At the same time, having been in the closet for quite some time, I had built up a significant amount of sexual frustration in me which needed to be released (unknown to me); where I am inherently quite inherently sexual.

For purposes of self validation, required by my then low self esteem, combined with the pent up adolescence that I had previously put on hold, I went on a journey of self exploration and sexual activity. I removed the self imposed barriers I had built and engaged in a quite a bit of casual sex. At first, I was nervous, unsure of myself, confused and clumsy (although always safe). I made available to me the tools of modern society to help me meet a lot of people. Never did I let it interfere with my professional life or impede the broader journey of self discovery that I was on.

This journey (along with other avenues of self realization) helped me better understand myself, understand my sexuality, and explore a side of me that I had repressed.

I look back on this part of my journey with fondness; with no regrets or concerns. As I am now comfortably in a committed relationship, I attribute this sexual journey as one part of an important journey helping me build the confidence to be in such a relationship (but to be clear, only a part of the journey).

I can distinguish clearly between casual sex and intimacy with absolute clarity. And understand that, at least for me, I needed to experience both in order to help me find myself.

I am only expressing this as way for you to see that there are different approach that can be taken, no one path is the right path, and each person needs to figure out what is best for themselves.

 

Man, it's something how it seems that most of us who want something on a deeper level have such a hard time finding it because the most vocal people seem to be those with more "primal interests". So I'm finding it really sucks being shy already, then tossing in the newness of everything and inecperience, the idea of two like minded people finding each other seems almost hopeless sometimes.

 

hmm. Not sure I agree in trying to isolate the issue in such a way. Have you considered to reflect on why you find yourself to be shy? What is holding you back? Maybe try working on that; and releasing yourself from whatever limitations you might have put in place. "Primal interests", as you have articulated it, have nothing to do with finding someone on a deeper level. They are mutually exclusive from my stand point. Self realization is the answer.

 

You're welcome. Good luck and keep us updated ok?

 

No, I don't think primal interests has anything to do with finding and connecting with someone. I'm actually put off by the hookup apps.I just meant more like it seems shy, or more reserved people may have harder times finding someone compatible because they're not as vocal. Idk I'm new at all this and maybe just can't convey the thoughts as well.

 

Satisfying one's "primal interest" (aka having casual sex) can be completely nonvocal. But it can also lead to conversation, usually afterward (starting with "What's your name?"). And it sometimes leads to lasting friendships, or more. I met the love of my life this way, and I have many, many friends whose acquaintance I made after what I thought would be a one-off encounter. I agree with OnTheHighway's advice: Reflect on what is holding you back and then do something about it.

 

Casual sex, while fine for some, I find cheap and tawdry and I would much rather get to know someone first before I just give myself to someone in that way. If that's what others want for themselves, then so be it, but I'd much rather develop an emotional connection before moving to a physical level. Personal preference, that's all.

 

I don't know who said it, but to thine own self be true. Your honesty to yourself will attract others. Be kind, and mindful of that which someone lacks, for it will be resolved in any attempt to be loved. Please post more comments. I appreciate the sharing of your thoughts. One's reach for humanity is an aspect of sexuality.

 

Best of luck to you! I echo the advice of the poster who urged you to head toward shared interest groups, etc.

Even if you don't meet a man directly through them, you may be able to pick up a new group of aquaintences and expand your circle that way.