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What can I do to help my boyfriend feel comfortable trusting me

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by TheMopPetal2, Aug 11, 2015.

  1. TheMopPetal2

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    My boyfriend was cheated on and abused by his ex boyfriend and because of that he has put up major walls and at times those walls feel so high that I can't see over them even with a step stool. He and I go thru periods where he will stop communicating with me for days and up to weeks on end and then he will start communicating after a while. The last time he started communicating with me after a hiatus he told me he still wanted a relationship with me and he suggested that he and I make our relationship official and so we did amd we also started telling each other that we love each other as well. I know he's not the type of guy that would be a player and just tell me he loves me and he wants a relationship with me just to make me feel good while he goes and dates another guy behind my back. The other reason I know that he's not that type of guy is because he is like me and he's way too shy and timid to be doing that behind my back.

    I have been texting him at least twice a day and sometimes more every single day for the last 2 or 3 weeks and I've been telling him "good morning" and "goodnight" and that I love him and I'll occasionally tell him things like I'm the luckiest guy to have an amazing boyfriend like him and I feel like if he didn't have feelings for me anymore, that would start to overwhelm him and he would at the very least tell me that its okay to text him but not as often as I have been but he hasn't. Yes he is ignoring me but I feel like the reason he is ignoring me is not because he wants to or that he doesn't have feelings for me anymore but I'm thinking that he is afraid of opening up to me because he might be afraid that I just won't understand how he's feeling and what is causing this fear in him etc. I have also told him several times that if he wants me to stop texting him or to tone it down that he can tell me but he has never told me to back off or tone it down. If I was in his shoes and someone I didn't like gave me an opportunity to tell them to stop texting them and I found their constant texting annoying then I would tell them to back off although I would do it in a nice way.

    Before we started dating he admitted to me that he had anxiety about dating and my gut feeling always told me there was more to it than he was just nervous about it and before we even started dating I realized that if I persued a relationship with this guy then I should be prepared and willing to do what it takes to make him feel comfortable trusting me and I knew that it would take time and I also knew that there is probably going to be quite a bit of heartache and pain associated with it and I knew that I needed to accept that before I started dating him and I did. I have already made my bed and now I am going to sleep in it so giving up on him is not an option for me unless he makes it 100% crystal clear to me that he doesn't want this which for me he has not done yet.

    I know I'm not his psychiatrist and I know I can't "fix" him but the least I can do is be a good boyfriend and show him that I'm going to stick by my word and continue to text him good morning and goodnight every single day to show him that I won't just up and leave or cheat on him. I could be mean and tell him that I can't keep putting myself thru this pain and heartache but for one, I know for a fact that would devastate him and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that amd two, my feelings for him are way too strong to just give up on him.

    We're all damaged goods to some degree and some are more than others amd some of us have been able to work thru it better than others and some of us are just better at hiding it but I feel like if I give up on my boyfriend just because I don't want to put in the effort and time to help him feel comfortable trusting me then I'm going to have a hard time making any other relationship work just because its like when things get tough, its easier to run away so I'm not going to run away unless I feel like its 100% clear that he doesn't want a relationship with me anymore. As long as I feel like he is at least trying to make this work then I'm going to continue to try as well and yes he is ignoring me right now but he has shown me that he is trying and so I'm going to continue to try.

    Is there anything else that I can do to help him feel comfortable with trusting me? Right now because he is also afraid to meet up with me because he doesn't want to get too close yet, I feel like texting him like I have been everday is just about the only thing I can do.
     
  2. Gravity

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    Short version - I think it would be helpful to start trying to come to terms with the fact that there's nothing you can do to "make him trust you" - that has to happen on his own time and in his own way.

    Longer version - it sounds like he's been pretty clear through this on his personal roadblocks - needing time and space to let the relationship grow slowly, for example, as well as needing time and space to deal with the effects of having been abused. The abuse in particular is something that may affect him for a while - maybe a long while. Different people recover differently.

    It also sounds like you would prefer that things would move forward more quickly. There's nothing wrong with that on the surface - similar to the above, different people are comfortable with different paces in relationships. But again, there's nothing you can do to make him move faster than he's willing. If you're really not satisfied, and he's really not comfortable, then it wouldn't be mean to tell him that you need to move on - it would be being respectful of both of your positions.
     
  3. bookreader

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    You should let him go and give him time to recover, if he still wants you back, go for it.
     
  4. TheMopPetal2

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    Its not that I don't want the relationship to move slowely, I'm perfectly fine with that and I even offered to take things slow with him but he insisted on taking things at its normal pace. The thing that kills me is when he cuts contact. If he would just tell me "babe I need a little space right now" I'd be perfectly fine with that. He has cut contact with me several times and each time he does it I tell him "if you need some space or if you don't want a relationship with me then you can tell me and I'll leave you alone" but every single time I tell him that he tells me he still wants a relationship and we will be talking for a certain period of time and everything will be fine and then outta nowhwre he will cut contact.

    I don't believe he cuts contact on purpose I think he's just not quite sure how to tell me what his needs/wants are and so the easiest thing to do is to cut contact. Ive been in those shoes before and I felt like the person wouldn't understand if I told him what was really going on.
     
  5. resu

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    Tell him what you told us: that you feel hurt when he cuts contact without notice. Not talking for weeks is not "a little space". That's really asking a lot from you, and it is going to affect your own well-being if this keeps happening. Tell him he doesn't have to give explanations but just some timeline on what he wants to do.
     
  6. TheMopPetal2

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    This has been going on for the last month in a half and that ship has sailed as far as me getting hurt goes. That ship sailed a long time ago, it sailed before we even went on our first date because he stood me up 4 or 5 times before we finally went on our first date. I love this guy so much and I know I can't fix him but the least I can do is continue to text him everyday like I told him I would.
     
  7. LizSibling13

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    MopPetal, This post is an old post, but I would just listen and be there for him. I'm not sure if you want to get the advice of a 13 year old mtf girl. I told my bf that I'll be there to listen to him.