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Being queer and coping with social anxiety/internalized homophobia?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by HunterX, Aug 8, 2015.

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  1. HunterX

    HunterX
    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Oklahoma/New Hampshire
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I've known for a while now, that I am queer. I'm neither cisgendered or straight. On most days I am okay with knowing this about myself. However, I don't know how I could ever be out.

    I'm a long time sufferer of social anxiety and I have spent my entire life 'acting' in public. Until about a year and a half ago, the concept of 'being yourself' wasn't something I could even comprehend. I have maintained constant vigilance in making sure I'm not even potentially perceived negatively my whole life. With the exception of my one close friend, who I am out to, I'm probably one of the 'fakest' people I know, as in I won't reveal anything about myself (religion, political views, hobbies, etc..) unless I know the person I'm speaking to will think favorably of it, and I'll lie without second thought and say whatever will please whomever I'm speaking to If I know I they won't like what I actually think/feel. I avoid conflict like the plague. The extent of my avoidance is debilitating and several times in the past I have felt more comfortable with the idea of taking my own life than the idea of being honestly forthcoming.

    Although I believe (or at least I think I believe) that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being lgbtqia, I also feel that being lgbtqia does make me 'different' from most people, and different in a way that a lot of people I know don't really like. With this knowledge, I don't know how to be who I am outside of my own room, for I know that this difference will be perceived negatively by some and at least noticed as something that is peculiar by many. I know that I can't control what people think of me, and I can't make everyone happy, but the idea of consciously presenting myself in a manner that I pretty much know will bring some sort of spotlight to myself I cannot comprehend.

    At the same time though, I'm fairly miserable and lonely and uncomfortable with having to put on a show all the time. I'd love to be able dress how I like out in public but I'm terrified of be assessed by anyone. Also, if I'm never out, I think I'll have a hard time finding a partner. It wouldn't be fair to have a girlfriend and be ashamed of being with her. I also know that as a person who is still questioning my gender identity, that experimentation is an important step in figuring it out, but I'm terrified to do so.

    I feel as though I'm doomed if I do and am doomed if I don't. I am miserable hiding all the time, but being myself to the world is a concept that I easily find much scarier than even death.

    I know this may sound convoluted, but I'm wondering how people who've had similar feelings have managed to cope? I'll soon be returning to college (I took a medical leave because of all this suicidal depression) and a part of me would love to actually be who I am, but I'm afraid being myself will make me so anxious that I'll want to off myself again. I don't know what to do.

    Advice?
     
    #1 HunterX, Aug 8, 2015
  2. Aspen

    Aspen
    Advisor Full Member

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    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Does your college offer counseling services? I had a great counselor my senior year that really helped me with my questioning sexuality and social anxiety. I wish I'd gone to see her a lot sooner.

    My anxiety is very similar. I'm very non-confrontational, to the point of sometimes being passive-aggressive. When it comes to politics, my mom thinks I'm conservative and my girlfriend thinks I'm heavily liberal, because I just tend to agree and avoid debates. I'm constantly anxious about what other people think of me. Ordering at restaurants, I have to rehearse what I'm going to say constantly. Walking down the street, I get anxious about people around because I feel like they're judging me. My mom once told me that I'm so calm and collected all the time and I was so confused because I'm an anxious mess.

    It helps me to remind myself that most people aren't paying any attention to me. They're far more concerned with their own lives. If people do think negatively toward me, that's a reflection of them, not me.

    Start slow. If you can, dress the way you want and act however you want when you're in private, or with your friend. Then, once you're comfortable, start moving outward.
     
    #2 Aspen, Aug 9, 2015
  3. BrokenRecord

    BrokenRecord Guest

    I coped with my social anxiety by writing a character in my book that I'm writing that is bisexual and in the worst position possible: wanting to come out, but having a homophobic best friend. With the help of another character, he is able to finally come out of the closet to the rest of his friends, including his best friend, who only abandons him for a little while until realizing the great times they've had together for years and coming back to him, and everything turns out fine. I used writing this to cope with my social anxiety of coming out to my own friends and family, who turned out to be very accepting of me being bisexual.
     
    #3 BrokenRecord, Aug 9, 2015
  4. HunterX

    HunterX
    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Oklahoma/New Hampshire
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Thanks both of you :slight_smile:. I would have never thought to do something like that BrokenRecord, seems like a very neat coping strategy. I'm glad it helped you. And Aspen, my school does have wonderful counselors (I saw one regularly every few weeks for my anxiety and depression), but I don't feel comfortable talking about it with them, it's too personal. The counselor I'm closest with I've mentioned it in passing, but I can't bring myself to discuss it as the topic.

    I feel like this should be easier. My school is very liberal and supportive. A good chunk of the people I know there are part of the rainbow in some way. By best friend is openly Bi there. I know I would have support, but the whole thing still scares the living daylights out of me.

    A part of this could be that I've been raised in a small, country town that's pretty backwoods and homophobic. By Bi best friend's own family kicked out his cousin for being a lesbian (He's still in the closet at home as well to everyone but his mom). Being this way is a big deal to a lot of people around there, and I'm terrified of them knowing this about me. Even if I come out at school, I'll have to be careful to make sure it doesn't follow me home. I think my family would be okay with my sexuality to a degree, they're all pretty liberal and though they don't really understand it, I don't think they would care. Gender identity will be a lot harder though.
     
    #4 HunterX, Aug 9, 2015
  5. mapleluv

    mapleluv
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    As a fellow Okie from the backwoods (I grew up just outside of Guthrie, so yeeeah), let me say that I feel you. People from other parts of the states sometimes don't really get what a big deal it is to be queer for those of us from/in more conservative areas. I also have diagnosed Social Anxiety Disorder, although my issues are mainly centered around social situations that really make no logical sense to be anxious about (answering telephones, returning items to stores, driving, the list goes on & on).

    Coming out is a big deal at first. People freak out. You freak out. Everyone is staring at you. But eventually it just becomes life as normal. Your family & friends get used to the "new" you. Everyone continues to stare at you (sorry, truth), but you just get used to it. Once you become comfortable in your own skin & identity, nothing will really phase you any more.

    As someone on the other side of the door, I just wanted to tell you that being out isn't nearly as bad as being in the closet. Being out really sucks sometimes, but being in the closet kind of sucks all the time. The trade off is worth it.
     
    #5 mapleluv, Aug 11, 2015
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