I saw that this site has a coming out area all ready, but I feel that as older LGBTs, coming out can have a lot of different dynamics for us, then with the 13-24 or so. I hope it's OK I am posting this here therefor. I have horrible relationships with my blood relatives. I have been on my own since I was fourteen and am 49 now, so this is a lifelong thing. I haven't talked to my mom in ateast 15 years, and my sister maybe ten. I have two brothers who have responded to my reaching out, and now my dad and my step mom for the last 4 years or so, primarily for the fact that I thought my kids deserved to meet some blood relative. Even with that, I maybe talk to my parents 5 times a year, and maybe see them one weekend, and my brothers even less. I have debated if I would tell my folks at all. They are very old, and very conservative to the point that my dad watches the 700 Club. Our relationship is strained enough, so I thought I'll just leave them out of it...then I thought maybe only if it comes up some how, I would. Now I realize that I need to for me. I felt it should be done in person, and that things like this just can't be done by letter. Just last night, I started to think maybe a letter is OK. I am super out on FB, and my brothers both are both FB friends, but I never specifically came out to them or anyone on FB, one day I just was out and celebrated and figured they can figure it out themselves. The very liberal and open minded one, never acknowledged me on FB again after that, and the other brother and his wife, who are more conservative Christian then my folks rarely talk to me on FB. I would assume they figured it out, but maybe not. They have kids that my kids met and love, but we have seen and talked to them only 3 times in 4 years I think it is. Sorry that was long, but can I get feedback? I am thinking of writing one letter, with no apologies in it. Just straight up, this is who I am. I think to coddle them in it, would be a disservice to myself. I then wanted to send the letter to my dad and his wife, as well as another copy to the uber Christian brother and his wife, and leave it at that. Do I even have to ask them at the end of the letter to contact me if they are OK or want to discuss it? Also, the people I would send the letters too live 3 and 5 hours away
This is what I have so far. I am thinking short and sweet, especially as none of us talk much anyways. I just need an ending. I think I need them to acknowledge that they are OK with moving forward or that they aren't, but I can't find the right words, without it looking like an ultimatum or guilt trip. I am sending this letter to Pop, Kathy, Tom and Jean in order to come out of the closet and let you all know that I am a lesbian. To me, coming out is the best thing that has ever happened to me, I am finally feel free to be me, and I am happy with who I am. This is the main reason that the kids dad and I split. The kids know and are both happy and fine with it. I intend to live my life openly regarding this, after living a lie for so many years. I am happy and I hope that you all can accept this on some level and be happy for me as well. I would still like to continue visiting and having a relationship with all of you, but you all need to know that this is who I am, and I won't hide it anymore.
Hi Sue Baloo, I like it. It's short and straightforward, or would I say lesbianforward?! :lol: I came out to my folks in person 2 weeks ago (I'm 37). It wasn't exactly the best experience and my dad is avoiding me now but hey, I'm out and feel relieved. :icon_bigg
Thanks Paris, and a high-5 for being in the same place in our lives Now that I wrote the letter, I can't wait to send it...I just need that final sentence. I just figured it out "Please let me know if this will affect our relationship. Love as always, Sue"
I wish I could be of help...but I wish you the best of luck. With something so important my only counsel would be to not rush this. If you send the letter tomorrow but wake up a week from now with a new set of revelations about how to communicate with family on outness you'll be kicking yourself. However, it's very cathartic, I would imagine, to write the letter. Now that you've written it let it marinade.
Good luck. I've only gone as far as to tell my mom that I'm questioning and seeking therapy. Thankfully she was lovely and our relationship hasn't changed much (we're still very close) but I do know that she thinks I'm just probably lonely and thinks that because it 'hasn't worked out with me and guys' that maybe I'm trying the other team. I didn't really want to go into why I feel it 'didn't work out with me and guys' too much because I want to give her some time. I agree with Chicagoblue in moving slowly with conservative family. I know when I first had the revelation that perhaps a lot of things could be explained simply by me not being straight, I wanted to tell people. I don't quite have the strong compulsion I did just a couple months ago as I'm becoming more comfortable with myself. I feel like I've told a few people and put words to it, but until I work out more stuff, I'm really hesitant to make any sort of unretractable declarations about myself.
Hey Sue! I like the idea of a letter to come out to people who you don't talk to very often, or who might even be hostile. I come from a very religiously conservative family, and I haven't told any of them yet. I am able to avoid it for a little while longer, since I have never dated a woman yet, and I am for sure not bumping into any single lesbians in my little town so that probably won't change!! I figured if I am not even seeing anyone yet, there is no reason to have to tell them. However, if I start dating someone than I will tell them, because I could never date "secretly"...that is just not for me. Anyway, I should give the letter idea some thought as well. I also am older and the people I would be telling are older, as well. The only part of your letter I had a little question about, and I am not being critical, is the end where you said you were going to add something along the lines of "please let me know if this will affect our relationship". I know my therapist would say that sounds almost apologetic. Like you are giving them an excuse/reason to let it do so. The rest of your letter sounds so wonderfully empowering. I would leave out the "let me know" part and say something like "my sexual orientation does not have any bearing on what kind of child, sister, or niece (depending on your family structure) I am, and those relationships do not have to change". That way, if they do change, it is already stated that the change did not come from you, but from anyone who is asshole enough to let that come between you. Just my opinion. Best of luck while you navigate those pathways. Take care!
I think coming out via letter is fine, especially if you believe they will not take it well. If you feel you need to do it for your own piece of mind, then do it, and don't make any apologies. Honestly, they likely already know. If you've come out on facebook, and your brothers know, they've likely told everyone else. I wouldn't be shocked if everyone wasn't already aware of it, as it is normal for people to gossip about this sort of thing. So, I'd just start the letter as matter of fact: "Dear <Insert Name>, As you have likely already heard..." Then you can end it by honestly stating that you don't expect a response, and that you simply wanted to let them know if they haven't already heard or figured it out. Then sign it and send it. This is how I would likely do it.
Thank you, that is exactly what I was looking for. I do not want to sound apologetic, and leave room for that debate as to where any future change came from. <3 Thank you everyone for the honest and sincere support and feedback. I have been discussing this on and off with my therapist for six months, and I had already come to the decision a couple of weeks ago to tell them, and and that I would trust my gut to know how and when, when it presented itself. I feel this is the time and it just presented itself. I feel good about this. I am feeling grounded.
Should be "kids' dad" if you've got more than one kid or "kid's dad" if you've just got one. Sorry. I'm a bit of a grammar fanatic. Clarity counts, I think. Otherwise, the letter is great.
