Waking up and feeling the strangest feeling

I had this feeling a lot when I first began college; it was a combination of questioning what I was doing with my life (I did, after all, go to college almost automatically. I did it because it's what you do. There wasn't thought beyond that) and homesickness. Once the homesickness faded, I stopped feeling this way, but it doesn't mean that I don't still frequently question what I'm doing. If I didn't do that, who knows what kind of path I could end up on?

 

I literally get the "what am I doing with my life" when ever summer happens. Because I always waste my summer and then it goes by so fast, and then Im just like "WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE!!?!?"

 

Nope. I don't get it. I've already come to terms that I'll be forgotten eventually, and rot and die like everybody else, so I don't really worry about that. What I do worry about is when is dinner. Much more important.

 

Sometimes.

It usually takes the form of "Why are you so far behind?".

I wasted a great deal of time in my youth. Maybe not in every and all aspects, but in the ones, that I realize now, should have mattered. I believed that only I should advance, instead of working on a network of individuals, of all backgrounds and of all experiences, as this is the key to getting anywhere. You have to fit your social puzzle, if you will, and find where you fit. I was trying to use only one piece -- me -- and pass it off as completing the puzzle, as living.

I know I can rely on myself when I want something. I am most confident when I really want something, because then my drive is at full throttle and, well, I'll either get it or nobody will. Petty, yes, but I'd rather try to do and be something than sit around, moping, complaining, and being totally subject to the world around me. Even if Fate/Destiny/God/whatever has plans, I'd like to defy that, to make my own path, because doing what I'm expected to do is just depressing.

Many may call this egotistical, and some may even call it delusional. To them I say, I may fail... but if I don't fail, if I do succeed, they no longer have an excuse to bitch and complain. Maybe if I like you enough, I'll bring you with me. Maybe. And besides, perhaps my efforts will play some important part in the world, even if it is as a simple cog. Ideally, I'd like to be the switch that turns the world on, though I'll settle for being the power source to generate the world. But so long as I am a working part of the machine we call Life, I can be proud of myself.

Also, I want to be able to make those around me proud, and provide for spoil them. Maybe get this corrective surgery for these titties and hips. Mm.

 

I've been feeling that a lot lately. Basically I feel like I'm just wasting my whole life.

 

Whenever I go through periods of discontentment with life, I get that feeling. Echoing Wallace, I get it a bit in the summer when everybody's traveling or hanging out with friends.