...and this is what happened to me today. I have been with a man for the past years, a very important relationship in my life and not always easy; but someone from who I have learnt a lot, who has inspired me and motivated me, who has supported me and loved me more than anyone ever has. But who has also, mainly because of our differences in sex drive, strength of character, cultures, age, views on world, made me feel bad about my sexuality (not the bi-part, just the drive), pulled me down with him in his depression, made me limit myself (not directly but as a result of the above mentioned). I always knew I could be with a girl but never really thought about it, and then about two years ago I came across someone and I fell so hard the moment I saw her. It led to kissing her and some other women as well, the other side of my sexuality starting to surface more and me feeling this _need_ to react to it. My already somewhat low sex drive to all things hetero declined, and eventually we separated. I was honest with him about my orientation, at first he saw it as a fetish but slowly he came around and now understands it is a part of what I am. Even after our separation we kept in touch to an extent I felt we never broke up. I kissed a few girls during this time but didn't feel 'free' to do anything more. We decided to try again but I just didn't have sexual attraction towards him any more, even if I love him more than I love myself. But I tried, tried and tried while denying the attraction to women I felt, and slowly this made me depressed to a point where I started to think about self-harming and fantasizing about death that would take all the troubles away. I knew the situation was unfair to him as well, and that made me feel even more terrible. And today, we talked, and he told me to go and be with a girl. So that I would know what I am and what I want, and if I want to be with him or not. And as twisted as that may sound that is the biggest thing anyone has ever done to me, and I love him all the more for that. And now I am terrified. I want to have this experience, I want to be with a woman; a part of me thinks I might be lesbian. But at the same time I am so scared of the outcome, of losing this incredible man or not being able to give him what he truly deserves. A rant more than a question really, just needed to get it out
I'm glad that you guys came to a point in your relationship where you're both on the same page, and he's able to understand that this is a part of you. I'm sure you're probably both excited and scared to be with a woman, and that's entirely okay. This is an experience that you need to have, and I hope you continue to learn lots of things about yourself through it. Best of luck!
