Ive recently come out as a lesbian after being married 8 years. I fell in love with another woman (my best friend), and we have a relationship now. I believe Ive always had the tendency but suppressed it until I met that one woman I was meant to be with. Her & I both have children (still young) and are in our 30s. My husband (soon to be ex) says my son is going to get beat up in school and have no friends due to my choices and I should stay with him and pretend to be a family for our son, and just see her on the side. Her husband is somewhat the same in feeling that they should stay a "fake family" for the kids. Im torn on whether that is right. I mean, we want to be there for our children no matter what, but should we really stay in an unhappy relationship that isn't going to be fixed no matter what? We have both admitted we are lesbians, and I think the men accept that fact but don't want to let go of the "family" which I understand also. On the other hand, life is short and we deserve to be happy too, and wont our kids all grow up happier with us being happy? And wont be the men someday regret just not moving on and letting us go while they are still young, since they basically admit they know the marriage is over? Our kids are great buddies and my child loves her and hers love me. We want to do whats best for our kids, and we feel badly that our husbands have to deal with this, that we didn't plan, but we also want to be happy and be together.
Oh my goodness, this is about as tough as it gets for all involved. Would seeing a counsellor to hash this out help? Personally, I vote for the kids... whatever they would be happiest with now and respect you for later when they are adults. I know a gay man who stayed with his wife and raised their four kids together, then left when they were all over 18. He's now with a man. The whole community respects him for his sacrifice and commitment, but I have no idea how his wife and kids feel. You can probably see which way I'm leaning....
I'm not trying to sway you either way, but I'll just post my opinion below. Please don't take offense. (*hug*) From what I have heard, whether it be financial problems, emotional problems, or other external stressors, if a person is not happy with their spouse, the kids can always sense this, even if they don't go right out and say it. When a person is not happy with their situation or feels like they are acting, children can feel this negativity and it does take a toll on them. Seeing their parents stand strong in their truth, setting the example, and showing them what happiness truly is, that is a value worth teaching children. Why can't kids be happy or successful when they have more supportive parents? Staying in a negative situation just to "save face" absolutely does a disservice to a child and makes them think that this type of false behavior is ok. Ok, the kids might get more questions in school. Then the kids can say how their parents love them and they are happy to have more moms and dads. Children are like sponges. If you put them in a situation where everyone around them is happy, they will likely turn out happy. If you put them in a situation where everyone is fake and secretly unhappy, they will likely turn out unhappy. A person has to respect themself by doing what is best for them, before they can teach their children about respect and do what is best for them.
I believe that by how we live we set an example to our kids. If we choose not to live from our heart and not to listen to our inner voice because of fear or whatever reason we teach them to do the same. Do you really want that? Btw I don't know how you chose your name but 1515 is quite a powerful number, you may try to google "1515 number meaning", it might help. Wishing you all the best. (*hug*)
Welcome to EC cate1515 :welcome: EC is a wonderful community that will support you as you navigate your path on this journey. You are seeking advice on a very important question. You must choose what's right for you based on what is important to you. Here are some things to think about ... Unless you separate from your husbands, you won't be able to build a life with your partner. It may be difficult to go on dates or spend the night. Make sure you understand the ground rules if you choose to stay married. It's a different generation and most kids are far more accepting of LGBTQ folk than our generation. My therapist has mentioned the research that it's better to separate than to live together as an unhappy married couple. The kid(s) will sense it. Divorce and separation will be difficult and painful for everyone involved. When I was faced with the choice, I chose to separate and live authentically. It is a difficult path to navigate initially but will lead to happiness long term. What does your heart tell you to do? Best
Never would be offended. I appreciate your advice. I actually have been leaning to agree with all of this. She does also, though her husband is more strong willed in his argument than mine, so its hard. We are all starting counseling this week. My thinking is the counselors are going to help the men realize that what they are suggesting is unhealthy for all. ---------- Post added 27th Jul 2015 at 06:12 AM ---------- Wow it was actually random because I usually use 151 but added a 5 but I looked it up and that makes a lot of sense! THanks for sharing!
I think it probably depends on how happy or unhappy you (and your best friend) are in your marriages. There are people here who opted to stay in closed marriages (me), opened up marriages, or left spouses. A therapist sounds like a great idea, and hopefully s/he/they will be able to help all of you sort everything out.
Don't stay in a fake family as though that'll make you there for the kids. All that will create is an unhappy and negative household that'll harm the kids far more than if you're separated but there for them. You're a lesbian so your marriage isn't going to work. Both you and your husband are still young so it's better not to waste more of your life going nowhere with each other. As long as you're there for your kids it doesn't matter if you and your husband are together, your kids will want you to be happy I'm sure.
