I pretty much know my sexuality/orientation/preference- but ever since realising I am far more gay than I have assumed- I cannot seem to find comfort and peace within a label- any label. I feel like I am forever in a limbo and recently started reading "Bi any other name" - a book about bisexuality and I can relate to some of the stories there and I have started to feel that maybe I ought to return to that label, just as an act of defiance against some of the issues I have been dealing with. I have an undoubtedly gay-ish primary sexuality- in the book about bisexuality people related either opposite sex, or bisexual attractions since an early age - and I could see that when I was younger my attractions were same sex exclusively. But- I've also learned to look kind of beyond sex and gender- and learned to 'fall for a person' at some point in my life. It could be conditioned, or genuine, but I went through that period in my life. Yes, I can fall for a soul- only if that soul happens to be in a male body, I will have trouble feeling really connected to them. With age I've realised that I am still not attracted to the male gender/sex as such- I always had to look beyond that, and force myself a bit to do it. I also realised that even on the rare occasions when I perceive male sexual energy & react to it- I don't like it, I am not comfortable with it. I also feel somehow spiritually inhibited in straight relationships. I fall somewhere on the threshold between gay and bi. But- when I identified as bi, I've felt much lighter. Since trying to come to terms with being predominantly gay and trying to become ok with using the label- I've faced difficulties- like I've become more at peace with my sexuality as such- but his has made me feel 'not good enough' for my chosen label, and I feel like have to stretch and pull and wriggle to make myself fit it. I am homosexual, but also 'a bit more' than that on other levels, because despite not *liking* the male gender- people are not *just* their gender and trying to fit into that box has really been a struggle for me. I am not attracted to men very strongly, or maybe not in a very sexual way- but it is just so hard to feel that if I happened to be attracted to a man, or if I happened to maybe find something attractive about him- I'd loose the right to call myself gay. I constantly doubt myself and check myself if I am attracted to men or not to make sure my attraction to women are exclusive. This has been going on so strongly, that I have completely neglected actually relating to women and noticing my attractions to them. I struggle with the constant barrage of discrediting of lesbians who are not exclusively 100% gay in all possible ways- I am not sure if I am, or not- I am behaviourally 100 % gay (or more asexual), but on other levels -I don't know. And this "I don't know" - should be perfectly ok but I feel that to actually 'be allowed' to have that label- I ought to really be 'sure'. I feel like I am censoring myself constantly and like I have to prove myself to everyone and no-one. In addition to that I feel completely like a fraud because I am still close emotionally to my ex-partner who is a man- and am not out to many people who know me as just being with him in a relationship. I feel ashamed at living with a guy, when I am gay. I feel embarrassed at appearing close to him in public, and I should not feel like that. This has been going on for a while now- this trying to fit, this feeling ashamed, and embarrassed at not being 'gay enough', this checking whether I am attracted to men enough to maybe be bi. I did not have all this feeling of insecurity, inferiority when I simply saw myself as bi. On the other hand - I don't feel bi as such-because I lack the very sexual component of attraction to men- and I don't want to be socially perceived as interested in being with men. But at other times I also feel like I want to give up the struggle and just go back to trying to be with men, because they never judged me for my sexuality- and I am lonely right now. If I did that I'd probably dig myself even more into unhappiness- because I know I cannot be happy with a guy. But really, there has to be a label which I can feel is mine, and I can inhabit it, without it making me feel like I am not good enough for it.
Perhaps you are, as you say, primarily gay, with some room/capacity for bi or pansexuality also? I've been wondering the same thing about myself. I've seen a lot of backlash recently against the idea of fluidity, employed by much of the queer community on tumblr, or by people like Caitlin Stasey & EJ Levy (both identifying as lesbians despite being in happy, long-term relationships with men), and that anyone who experiences any *genuine* attractions/feelings towards men should identify as bi rather than lesbian. To me this seems like a cruel to be kind approach - which shouldn't be to shut out women questioning, but to make them acknowledge the difference between definite attractions and feelings akin to attraction, which are a result of heteronormativity/compulsory heterosexuality. I agree to an extent (and can definitely personally relate to the idea) that clinging onto notions of fluidity/different types of attraction can prevent you from realising/accepting your true sexuality. But I think the most telling thing - at least for me - is the gut feeling that exists long before any noticeable attractions start to develop. Can you relate to that? I recently re-read Gareth Thomas' coming out story, and the thing that stood out to me was the admission that he did have "amazingly strong feelings" for his ex-wife, yet knew also that by being with her, he had taken who he was and "put it in a little ball", and that his wife had taken all of him except that ball. I believe you can experience some attraction/feelings towards people regardless of your orientation, but what matters is how much it conflicts with your sense of self. I can relate to your point about being embarrassed at appearing close to a man in public - I've experienced the same thing and I think it's down to you being perceived differently to how you feel, perhaps making you feel disingenuous, or that how you are being perceived is how you should be. I'm not sure if that reasoning is entirely accurate for me, but it probably goes someway towards explaining that experience. Have you tried the "queer" label? I know, as I said previously, there is a lot of backlash against it at the moment, and it's seen as being a bit of a flimsy/"trendy" label, but it's one I would use if I were open about my sexuality, or perhaps "gay" as an umbrella term.
From what I read there is very little here that you could use to even consider yourself bisexual. You seem very much gay and assure of that to me. Do you want to be bisexual? You can't force yourself to be something you're not and from what it seems you are well aware of that since you acknowledge zero affinity/attraction towards men. Perhaps your issue really is here that you do not want to accept your homosexuality?
I recomend that you try and write a list of all the things that attract you to each gender. If you realize that not much on one side does then there's your answer
