Gay, depressed, lonely and struggling...

You're certainly not alone Tom. Ive felt isolated and depressed for almost my entire life. I've accepted the fact that I'm gay but that hasn't changed much, I came out to my best friend and a few of my cousins but we never talk about it.

I used to have deep feelings of self worthlessness and self hatred but those eventually went away when I started seeing a therapist. Medication has helped me greatly but I still feel so lonely.

So yes, I'm gay and depressed. Feeling lonely and fighting mental illness at the same time. Have you ever considered getting therapy? Talk to a professional? It could do you wonders! If you ever need anyone to talk to or just vent, send me a message on my wall. I'm a good listener and know what you are going through!

Best of luck to you Tom, I'm rooting for you!

 

You're definitely not alone Tom. I'm 25 and probably accepted myself as gay a year or two ago after years of thinking... I'm straight, I'm straight but like to look at guys, I'm bi, I'm bi but I would still be with women, I'm bi but I would prefer men, I'm gay... I'm not out though, so you're one step ahead of me there.

I can relate to the feeling lonely, especially in large crowds. I do tend to push people away, not by explicitly pushing them, but by not reaching out to them or going out and doing things with them. This definitely makes making friends harder as I guess this makes me not a good friend.

I'm sure I still hold some internalized homophobia probably to serve as some sort of a defense mechanism in the hetero world just in case it's needed. I even have other folks in my extended family and family friends who are gay and others who are trans, but this doesn't make it easier for me.

How do I get out of the depressed state, honestly, I just have to try to fake myself into thinking about other things. If I get wrapped up in something else, then I don't have to think about it. I also have a bad habit of being helpful to others. This is probably so that I feel more needed. If I am needed by people, then it makes it harder to think that the world could do without me in it. I haven't really talked to anyone in the real world about it, so that's probably not healthy. Writing about it has been helpful though.

I'm not sure if this is any really good advice, but I just wanted to let you know that there are other people dealing with the same issues. I don't have the answer on how to overcome it, I'm just taking it one day at a time. We're still here. (*hug*)

 

Hi Tom .. welcome to EC .. fellow londoner!!

Although you have "accepted" yourself - intellectually - there may be a tangle of behavioural patterns that brought you to this point that are still there and still holding you back and giving rise to the conflicting thoughts

What you describe sounds like classic depression to me and it needs some serious thought about how to challenge it. Especially the cutting off and isolation.

So of course I am wondering if you have ever discussed it with a professional from a medication and/ or therapy point of view.

luckily you are in London and there are many resources on offer at your doorstep. I could give you some more London-specific tips if you want to message me

 

There has been times (a lot of times) where I have felt lonely and isolated. But i think i have done this to myself. I didn't want to socialise and be with people because I was scared of them seeing who I really was (a gay man). I'm still not out and i still find myself doing this. I busy myself with work to make it easier to keep to myself. It's not healthy and I didn't even realise I was doing it to myself until recently.

I guess it was my way of protecting myself and my secret. Reflecting back, I have wasted so much of my time and missed out on so much with the friends I have, or had. It makes it worse that they don't know why i do it.

I'm in a time of flux at the moment. I want to come out. And when I do I hope I can go back to socialising and being happy. Don't get me wrong, I still have good times. Just when I don't, the isolation and loneliness takes over completely.

I understand what you mean. Whilst I wouldn't wish these feelings on anyway, it is good to know I'm not alone. Thank you

 

I too recommend therapy , I have just started and have come out to a few close friends and at 45 I am struggling to get my head around it..
I guess it takes time.. for all involved...

And I too can relate to the loneliness, it can be very difficult at times and some times I spend all day in bed under the sheets not wanting to leave... but some times you have to force yourself ...

I don't have the answers but I only wish you the best of luck ...

 

I'm new to this site and this is the first thread I happened to check out. Tom91, our internal struggles are so similar. Nearly word for word. It feels so strange, but it's nice to know that we share this pain. Its not a pain so unique its suffered completely alone. Its a good reassurance. As you can also see from the other fine folk that have responded to your thread, you have our support. We've got your back. And I hope you all have mine as well.

I've also been seeing a therapist, over the past...I want to say 6 or 7 years. My parents paired me up with one initially to convert my sexuality when they found out I was gay, but they're only fooling themselves. What's important is that he's helped me work through my thoughts and emotions in a constructive manner. And its always nice to unload all those pent up thoughts every once in a while. I've also recently learned through a DNA test that I'm genetically inclined to be sad because my brain sucks at keeping me happy. Brain chemistry stuff. Also something you might want to consider checking out. I take dietary supplements that help with the anxiety a bit and calm me down.

I've also developed a bad habit of self medicating with the Devil's lettuce and the blood of Christ (if you know what I mean :rolle. And far too often than I care for. And I don't recommend that. I think thats the best advice I can give. Moderation is fine I suppose, but I've noticed, at least with myself, that I've hindered my abilities in dealing with my internal issues and in the end its all so counterproductive. All too often it just makes me more depressed, more anxious, etc.

There it is. I wish you the best Tom. I wish me the best too. ha. Message me if you have questions or want to chat.

 

Hey Tom, I'm not an expert but sounds like you definitely have some form of severe depression i would highly recommend seeking professional help. Maybe start with your GP but sometimes paying a bit of money can help more with a psychotherapist or something along those lines.

Much love x

 

EDIT: I just re-read your post and wanted to add that I too first came out at 25 to my sister, then my parents at 26 and now I am 27 just a few months ago told two friends, I am still not out everyone.

I, like you have never had any relationships of any type and and while I never felt hatred for myself about my sexual orientation, I have felt that way about my body and depression from a medical issue, however generally my depression hasn't been as deep as yours, although there are days.

OP:
London's NHS support services are extremely limited from my own personal experience. I was offered 6x 1 hour with a councillor and only got 5 in the end. Doctors are really not good in London either as they are so overworked.

I would suggest a few services that may help, they have helped me. I used the Samaritans SMS service when I am feeling down, as I don't like to talk on the phone so much as it feels too immediate. They don't publish their number, but you can always drop them a text, they are great at long conversations across days, rather than short calls...

07725 909090

There is also the new LGBT switchboard: https://switchboard.lgbt

My personal next hurdle is to get down to one of the Gay Mens groups just to make a few gay friends, living in London is pretty lonely, and all my friends are straight.

I hope these resources prove useful. There is also this website my councillor printed out which is mainly focused in SE London, but some of the resources are across London..

List of low cost counselling organisations in London :: southeastlondoncounselling.org.uk

There is one especially (PACE) which is for LGB people that might help.

All the best, and if you ever want to talk we're here!

 

Well I think most of us have felt this way as some point in our lives. There are so many other aspects than our sexuality in our life. Jobs, hobbies, family, health etc. etc.. When you start to dwell on things that get you down is when you need to focus on another aspect in your life. You only have one life so you have to try and make it a good one right? I know that is a lot harder than it sounds, believe me I have my struggles with loneliness. I was lucky enough to find one gay friend and I could then talk to him about being gay. Someone that I could finally relate to, and someone who could relate to me. Another key is that when you find someone like this you have to return the favor by being a good listener as well. It is only you that can decide that you want to be happy in life, and if you can try and help other people a long the way even better. You also need to be able to love yourself first before you can love someone else. Get up the courage to try and find one gay friend to talk to. Try looking for a gay support group or a gay bar, maybe you know of someone at work who is gay? Find someone and ask them if they would want to go out for lunch or tea or to the park or something and just talk about being gay. I don't know if that was any help but I hope you can take something from it. So good luck and hope you can do something to have a good life because it's all up to you.

 

Tom you just need someone to love you, and you need to work up a step-by-step plan to make that happen. It should include going to some venues where you can meet other gay people openly and communicating with them face-to-face, and skin against skin in real physical contact, not virtual space, where they can deal with the real you in real time. This is ALWAYS a statistical process; you will meet 20 men for every 1 you might be able to establish some kind of connection to, and maybe a half-dozen of those before you find someone who is really into you as a person. Since you have already accepted your orientation and know you are looking for a guy, why not get started instead of sitting at home and just thinking about it. Maybe it would help if you look for a gay friend whom you are not into, but who could go out with you together, looking for a mate. It always helps to have someone who can encourage you and drag you out of your safe zone and go with you, as a friend, to keep you in the hunt.

 

I am in the same boat and I have no confident path to offer, but I want to say is, don't hinge your self love on relationship or having sex, this can easily become very destructive. The gay world has its own standards that you may be plagued by just as easily as feeling inadequate about being gay.

So ya, work on finding a way to be stable without needing anyone is what I think.

 

I don't have much advice to offer since I'm kinda in the same place you are. You're kinda one step ahead of me since you're out. But as others have said, you are not alone. Feel free to hit me up on my wall if you want to.

 

This is to both Tom and CodeForLife, and I'm about to send you both friend requests accordingly, which I hope is alright with you. I cried a bit after having read your posts here. I am bisexual myself, and it isn't long ago that I finally realised for sure -and came out to myself about it. I'm now in the coming to terms with it period. I look in the mirror, see myself and I find myself thinking "My God, I'm bi". I'm so like you in feeling isolated and alone. I am becoming accepting and as I say, coming to terms with being bi in a largely heterosexual world, and I also no longer wish it wasn't so I’m still really struggling to accept myself as I am though, and as you say move beyond my default feelings of inadequacy and self-hatred. The difference with me is I'm married. Not my wife or my mother, but there is homophobia in my family - so much so, there are times when I've sat there, biting my lips, having to keep quiet and not react. There are times, when I've just felt like running outside and bursting in to tears. For other reasons, far too complicated to explain here, I can not, and will never be able to tell them about my sexuality. There are times when I thank God I'm not fully gay (although there are times when I feel much more gay than hetro), because if I had been, I would have had to tell them. With my bisexuality, my love for my wife will never wain, but they can never know, and that torments me.
I wonder if anyone else on here is gay and has/has had depression, and taken a long time to admit either of these things to themselves? And is dealing with the loneliness that mental illness and life in the closet can bring?
Tom, very very much so, and I wish I could give you a big hug. The loneliness in my own little bisexual/gay world is sometimes overwhelming, and I just feel like crying. Please do inbox me anytime if you are feeling down or worried, or just want to chat.
How do I get out of the depressed state, honestly, I just have to try to fake myself into thinking about other things. If I get wrapped up in something else, then I don't have to think about it. I also have a bad habit of being helpful to others. This is probably so that I feel more needed.
CodeForMe, this is me exactly - a mirror image. I keep getting told off by friends for worrying about others too much, and not enough about myself... but this is just me. A defence mechanism myself maybe, who knows?

Anyway, that's me. Hope we can talk. Hope I can be here for you. (*hug*)

 

I was going to mention PACE as a good resource for general support in London or getting recommending an LGBT therapist.

Also London Friend in Kings Cross is worth exploring.

I think cultivating a circle of gay friends, in a deliberately non-sexual environment, could benefit you greatly. Just one or two new friends to begin with.

How? Push yourself out there… And remember your CBT training … how to face up to the fear

To expand your social circles there are:
meet-up groups. Meetup.com
Walking groups like Gay Outdoor Club goc.org.uk

If you are feeling more adventurous there are day events, weekend workshops or week long retreats that may interest you:
outdoorlads.com
thequestawaitsyou.com
edwardcarpentercommunity.org.uk

these may be a bit daunting but some time down the line you may feel inclined to dip your toes in the water and surprise yourself.

 

I don't know if you've experienced a time when you haven't felt this way... I haven't had such severe depression as yourself Tom, however I know for me when I do have those dark times it's hard to remember what it's like when you feel better. Equally now I am just getting on with good and bad days, it's hard to remember how it felt being so down.

When I've seen a councillor in the past or sought support and guidance from family and friends, my biggest issue has been that I haven't told the whole truth.

Until recently I never told anyone I was gay, not councillors trying to help me, or family or friends. I never told people I had felt like I didn't want to be alive any more. I still (until now) have never told anyone that as a kid I tried to cut myself on more than one occasion.

I don't know all the facts, but in your first drawing and from your posts it seems like you are having trouble explaining to others how you feel, either because you are as you say sugar coating it, or because they aren't listening.

Sometimes it is helpful to find someone you can trust like a parent, or sibling that you can tell the honest truth, either by talking to them, or writing a letter and presenting it in person.

Btw, your drawings are really great!

All the best Tom, wishing you well.

 

Your drawings are very descriptive. I did a similar one to your 'drawing 1' once .. the crouching in a dark cell.. head in hands. Keeping up outward appearances of normality to others can be so exhausting.

My guess is that you are in a good place from which you can begin to move forward at your own speed. That is to say you are finding rock bottom. Self examination is uncomfortable but it can lead you to a position where you can take the next steps when it feels right. You need to be at rock bottom sometimes to realise where you are and how the rules that applied to your past life are not working and that actually you need to play to some new rules.

It may be too soon to thrust yourself in to Meet-up groups etc and maybe what you are doing now, with regular therapist and meds, is OK for the time being. Take it one day at a time.

If you are not 'out' to any family or friends yet, you may find keeping a journal or diary very helpful in getting your thoughts in to perspective?