One day, I wanted to hang out with a best friend named Bell because she was going away for four weeks for this ROTC training in another state. I was in my bathroom getting ready for bed and she came in and was all "Why haven't you tried finding a boyfriend yet?" I looked at her and was like "Uh, it takes time mom." She looked at me and basically said. "We better not go down this road again. you are not a lesbian, gay, or bisexual." And she walked away. I was like seriously? to be honest, I truly thought I was pansexual with a preference for males. I have no idea what to do now. I feel like now I have to get a boyfriend so that mom thinks that I am not a lesbian or like girls and to be honest, I have no idea anymore thanks to her! like, before I came out to mom and dad because they found this bracelet thing with the rainbow colors and each of them told me that they would love me no matter what happens blah blah blah. like I really do not know what I am anymore. I now feel like being pressured by mom because she wants me to have like a boyfriend and things like that. I mean, don't get me wrong, I do want to start dating. I just do not know what gender anymore. I do find certain woman and men attractive in certain ways. if i see a woman walking down the street or in a mall yea i would look at her same with a guy also. i just don't know and i am tired of being pressured because it is causing major headaches!:bang: What should i do you guys?! i could really use some advice :help:
You are pan because you say so. I don't think you are in the best place emotionally to question yourself, because the questioning is not coming from the place of wondering about your sexuality as such- but from an emotional place where your need for acceptance from your parents conflicts with what you have already found out about yourself. Sexuality is less tangible & it is easier to suppress it to please others, than to cope with withdrawal of affection from your parents. So you are questioning, and trying to suppress it again, because you hope they'll accept you, if you can change. So your questioning has no basis in your sexuality, but in your relationship with your parents. You need to learn to separate yourself from them, learn to live without their approval, learn to go against them sometimes, and to assert yourself as an individual. Yes they love you, they want the best, but it is not your job to please them by dating somebody they find attractive. You need to learn to set boundaries for your mother. "It takes time" is exactly the right answer, because it *does* take time to find somebody you like. It should be perfectly ok for you to date whomever you want, or not date anyone at 21. Your mum is out of order there. Stand your ground- or pretend to give in if you must, but don't let them control your life. You are at an age where you should be trusted to make your own decisions. Your mother telling you that you are not gay or bi, is a very unhealthy way to invalidate you-if she cannot accept it, fine- but invalidating something so personal is a pretty unhealthy thing to do. So I'd really advise you to find ways to learn your own boundaries and assert them in relationship to her. Eg in this case you can say "I've heard you, and I see that you don't accept my sexuality- this is fine, but you not accepting it will not make it disappear. I will date somebody when I am ready, and when I find somebody I like, whether it will be a guy or a girl- most likely a guy, because I prefer guys. I a not ready to date at the moment, and I should be ready to date before I start doing it- because it will be me being with them, not you."/
wow. Your advice really touched me right now. Everything you say right now is exactly what I am going to do. maybe I am worried about what would my mom or what other people would say if I do start to date a woman if it happens. Maybe I do need the space and time to finally figure it out who I am and not to suppress it cuz right now that's what I am kind of doing. I know that they will love me no matter what because that's what they had told me before and you know what maybe I shouldn't even date right now maybe I should wait and see what happens. Thank you so much
I don't really know about this situation because a. Im not questioning any more, and b. my mom is not in any hurry for me to get into a relationship. But if I were you I would just go for it. I wouldn't think about gender etc, and if I meet someone I'm attracted to and get a long with I would just go for it. This is probably terrible advice, but just go with what feels right and not think about what others are telling you and other confusions.
