Am I trans for the wrong reason?

Hi Newbonzy!
Welcome to the club!
My own doubts seem to stem from my general insecurities. I've spent a long time hating and being apprehensive about my body. Btw I'm 32, I should probably re-enable that detail on my profile.
As much as I'd like certain things to be different, at the moment I certainly don't want any surgeons fiddling with my bits.
Your dysphoria could relate to hypochondria, which feeds off itself the more you think about it. Or it could be a part of yourself that's calling out for help, and you're just starting to cope, which is why you're starting to hear that inner voice. I guess it'll take time to figure out.

Having such high regard for your friends' opinions could be an age related thing. I still care what my friends think, but I guess the last 10 years have kind-of burnt some of that emotional sting out of my system. --No, actually, I still feel burnt when I feel it, but I'm slowly learning to be more independent. Ultimately, you cannot really ask others for approval. That is, you can ask, but it still goes back to something inside of you that says "I believe in this outside world and I won't be happy unless I think it is happy".

 

If your friends aren't trans then they probably don't know a whole lot about being transgender. There are some trans girls that present as male for their entire lives, and nobody can invalidate that. Thats like someone saying your name doesn't seem like it should be your name. Its your name, a part of your identity.

 

I'll private message you if you get full on member status obviously! and i do as well. No worries. :lol:

---------- Post added 20th Jul 2015 at 08:43 PM ----------

It's a valid thing to acknowledge. There's a LOT of fear. I think most of the people in here have been listening to you "ramble" (you're not; it's complex) because it seems pretty obvious to, well, me for one; I can't talk to their own opinions, that you ARE transgender at LEAST to some extent. But you're still struggling to find out WHAT you feel.

So, this made me more confident in myself. It might or might not help you, but I took a questionnaire to find out how I already ACT without releasing that girly side of me. Because I'm also pretty scared of SHOWING it.

So today I went ahead and asked my coworker if he could see me as a woman. If I could pull it off. I told him he's NEVER seen my girly side and that I can present REALLY female but just as he knows me could he see me as androgynous or a full female? And I used his opinion to gauge my own personality. So I get why it matters to you more now I think.

Are you saying you value their informed opinion on how well you outwardly fit your inward gender? If so, do they realize that you WANT to present more female, but aren't always brave enough to? And would that factor into anything? If that doesn't help I am sorry, I am just walking through it at the same time as you, I think *blush* now I'm rambling.

(btw his answer was TOTALLY andro, and MAYBE girly but he has only ever known me as a boy and thinks I present as male sometimes, even though I personally reject those parts of myself, like anger, and am trying to eliminate them regardless of my gender. so YAY! I'll take a half-win!)

 

I'm a good actor I guess. I have always. just. been good at bottling and hating myself and only letting out a little at a time. as if lying is second nature to survive.
I have a whole range of expressions I just NEVER use like the hopping and squealing I NATURALLY want to do just get suppressed and replaced by neutrality. which. is depressing. but mentally I switch between anger and fear to cope with acting manly, whereas when I'm acting female my mind copes better. it makes more logical sense of things. Fewer bad emotions, and a wider range of feelings.

I understand that too! I am fascinated by the psychology of it. that's why I'm so aware of my internal thoughts. I'm my own case study ahaha!
I know I differentiate between my two sides because one is an elaborate act and the other is my natural, honest to God reaction. but I'm so hyper aware of myself that acting male came from fear and stuck. I did a head bob today in indignation and i noticed it IMMEDIATELY and it almost didn't even get pointed out by the person I did it to haha. but because it was out of character they said something.

I know that I act happier and i bounce a bit when I'm letting the girl in me out. but. she's also just REALLY happy to be here and be accepted.

I think I might need clarification on what you're trying to say though. I HOPE that helps somewhat though. But what are you asking?

 

I admire you for that. I am a bottler by nature. But no, I understand. *a bit burned out*

Again, we're going through it together. I, personally, think that if you questioned it you've probably got a reason to question your assigned gender.

Maybe you're just less excited??? =P
(*hug*)

 

From what I read I deduce you need time to process your own idea of what is 'feminine'.How do you express your gender is up to you, and should not invalidate your gender. Not all girls need to wear pink and giggle to 'prove' they are girls. Being a girl allows you the 'privilege' to do such things without being judged, but there is plenty of 'feminine acting' men who giggle and wear pink.

... Where as I.. Yes, second point being the effect that other's words and opinions are having on you. To cut a long story short, try to imagine how would you feel if their opinion didn't mattered to you.
Don't you think that feeling is worth fighting for?

I understand how important validation is at the beginning, so be very careful when chosing your company. To explore different social circles could be also useful.

You do also seem transgender to me, but at the end this is all about you, which means it is up to you, nobody else. Listen more to your inner voice, and do all you cn to block the noise coming from outside. Noisy enviroments are not very good for thinking.

 

Well, they don't have to do anything wrong, it's just how you perceive things with you in relation to them. For example, you get to your mid-20s and friendships from the last 10 years could drift apart as everyone moves on with their lives, and that might leave an emotional gap that needs to be filled. Or they could get married. Nothing wrong with that. But then you might reach the same age and wonder what's wrong with you? Or why aren't you 'succeeding' with the same sort of milestones in life?

One thing that's taking me a long time to learn is to step back from family and friends, and to find my own truths and sense of self. I sometimes feel like I don't have my own identity, that who I am has been built up over the years by things like trying to keep my parents happy, trying to fit in with friends, and seeking validation.

In becoming aware of this, it also makes asking for advice on forums a bit more complicated.
Say that you ask some question, and then you get some answers from people.
How do you choose what you agree with, and what you disagree with?
Is there something in your brain that says, "yes, that answer is correct for me, but the other one is wrong"? If there's already something like that inside of you, then why did you have to ask? What's really behind all that messaging?

If you're interested, look into 'projection'. There seems to be a lot of overlap between those ideas and my spiritual take on things. Say that there are 2 people like Tarzan and Jane, one is a stereotypically masculine male, the other is a stereotypically feminine female. Normally we would think that those people are those things -- masculine and feminine. But there's no proof that the woman's femininity isn't just a figment of the male's imagination, and likewise that the masculinity isn't just a figment of her imagination. And now that we're talking about them, that they're not both just a figment of your imagination.

 

I'm not saying "don't ask questions", I'm just trying to encourage an awareness that no matter what answers you hear from people, you're still in charge of deciding what's right for you.

From my personal experience that can be very difficult, it's an arduous lonely process, filled with introspection, practising being more opinionated, tuning out from the constant noise of what society wants from me, and did I mention loneliness? This may be part of the reason why the community isn't looking for excuses to reject you. (I think you mentioned something about that earlier but I couldn't find the exact comment.) People have gone through (and are going through) this process and understand that it's deeply personal.

But of course in part 2, you seem to be acknowledging there's a part of you that wants to fit in. I have the same. But feeding that desire seems to give me nothing but trouble. It's never enough, I'm always disappointed with myself and I always want to fit in more. OK, it has probably also kept me out of trouble, but I suspect it's based on some kind of underlying fear that's driving me to be a conformist. It doesn't really feel like much of a choice for me. I hope some of my rant makes sense!:icon_bigg

 

You're not alone in that. Thinking that your opinion isn't as valuable as anothers' is something I also think, naturally. But with my OWN great support group I'm learning that my opinion, AND yours is important.
Asking for help or asking to DO something despite another's opinion is how society works. If nobody spoke out about their own desires nobody would act. We'd all be too caught up asking what the other wanted to for dinner ("No, I don't mind chinese. Is that what you want?" "Well, I suppose I don't mind that. I mean, if you're interested in chinese." "no, I'm not saying I want it if that's not what YOU want..." and so on.)
haha

What you do is, counterintuitively, the LEAST of anyone's worries. They don't see you. I shaved my arms today, took off my boyish wedding ring (to show off the girly tattoo underneath it, calm down! :icon_wink) and I flipped the switch. Uncorked the bottle. and Guess who noticed? Not a soul. They're not worried about what you DO if you just tell them they don't really have a say. They aren't in control of you and that's ok. They appreciate that.

(!) (I got told to put that in by my coworker, haha!)

and BECAUSE you tell them it's not their problem then they learn to accept instead of reject. So. It's GOOD to get validation. Just don't sell yourself short. You're most valuable. So maybe take a break? Relax. Go be your typical self for a while and let your brain chill?

 

Yor father won't stop you. Also his noise won't stop you either, unless you let him.

I know it's not enough, but you are not the first one facing a negative reaction. Sometimes brutal honesty from the very beggining is the best. To see them 'change their minds' is worse.

What about your mother?

 

Detachment is a coping mechanism and for a bit it might be ok. He is a jerk, but that doesn't need to change anything for you and I'm glad you have the conviction to say "this is it." Proud of you. I've been dealing with a coworker, myself, who sounds like your father. He's my boss. It's all going to be ok, though, and you'll be out and on your own FASTER than you can imagine. It's not painless, but fast.

Mothers always want what is truly best. You seem to have a sweet one