Hi, I'm new here. I was a member of another LGBT forum and asked for help or advice but instead was given a very insensitive "verbal a** kicking" as they so eloquently put it! And told me that I was 'doing the poor little me' act or something?! It actually made me feel 10x worse, and like I wasn't 'allowed' to feel like this?! So I'm trying here... I'm a gay male, married to the love of my life, and everything about our marriage is amazing. We love each other more than anything in the world, and this is why I'm asking for help because I don't want to risk hurting him or our marriage. Basically, I hate being gay. I know I can't help it (believe me I tried for years to date girls and that epically failed until I accepted I am what I am and fell in love!) But it's literally all the hatred and abuse we get for things we can't help. Recently I've had to endure a LOT of homophobic abuse and harassment, and today it came to a head when hubby and I were in a shop talking about lunch plans, and a woman started literally yelling at us and calling us every evil and disgusting name under the sun. We kept our cool though and hubby told her where to shove it. But when we got home I just lost it and spent about an hour crying. I never asked to live this life or be into guys. I knew from a very young age (about 9 or 10) that I liked boys, it just took me longer to accept and admit it. I hate it. The daily abuse, I just cannot stand. It's easier said than done to 'just ignore it' when it's everywhere you go. Believe me, I have tried so much. I suffer from depression, PTSD and anxiety, and am seeing a therapist and taking medication for those, but nothing can stop me hating myself and what I am most of the time. Honestly, a lot of the time I'm suicidal, but then I know I have this amazing man in my life who is everything to me. So I feel a little lost or torn? Not sure. :icon_sad: Does anyone else feel like this? What do you do/can you suggest? Please don't be rude/insensitive. Thanks
its unlikely anyone will be rude or insensitive here - so welcome to EC! My first thought is that it sounds like your depression and anxiety may come from internalised homophobia if you know what I mean by that? i.e.: you do not like being gay because you were brought up with the belief that it is 'wrong' or 'disgusting' and you now have this inner conflict going on all the time. Especially when it comes to the surface in a public place. Depression only heightens these thoughts of low self esteem and anxiety. But if you are in therapy make sure your therapist discusses internalised homophobia with you and you spend some time working on that. It can be quite a block even to the most adult mind. Hopefully with the right meds and a good therapist you will see changes in a short time. You are from one of the most gay-friendly cities in Europe and you can hopefully make it work out with a little help. Does your husband understand your inner turmoil?
There is no therapy institution in here bingostring,I will be taken to the public and maybe killed and yes I do feel homophobia as I am not in a safe enviroment
Hello. That sounds tough. However, this is thehudge's thread. I recommend you create your own thread and tell us about your problems, please.
Oh I am so sorry,my thread was similar and I was waiting for moderator to approve it,thought it was approved.I am deeply sorry to the thread op and I do hope things get better for you,as I can relate to your pain.
I understand that that must have stung. But you did a good job - a very good job - in reaching out, and you're doing a good job reaching out now. I would never belittle this problem of yours. One thing to remember is that no matter hwo dark your thoughts get, you always have things to be grateful for. A gratitude journal can help. Also, savor every moment with your husband. This sounds like internalized homophobia to me. For your own sake I suggest you put some good effort into therapy. It helps with time. Depression and anxiety requires a lot of dedication to overcome. A combination of therapy, medication, support and self-dedication are needed to overcome them. Same thing for PTSD, although I think (not sure), that it's more focus on therapy than medication. I do not have your problem of facing such discrimination and cannot relate to that. I can relate to depression and anxiety, however. There are exercises you can do that can help. Meditation, for example. Or relaxing music accompanied by deep breathing. (Helps with anxiety) Or online sites/apps (might link you later - not sure if I'm allowed). Those are some things you can do. Make sure to eat right and have activities planned (helps with depression). Teach yourself to recognize negative thinking patterns (helps with both^). There are guides for that and material online.
Hi all, thanks for replies. I will say one thing, I definitely am not internally homophobic. I fully embrace the fact I'm gay and I am 100% out, don't care who knows etc. What I mean is I hate being gay in the sense that we all get so much hate and abuse, told to 'repent or die' (I'm an atheist so the whole crazy religious thing doesn't bother me, as much as the generalised hatred does. If that makes sense?) and we don't deserve it. I don't deserve it. Honestly, I keep to myself and don't bother or hurt people or interfere with their lives, so I don't see why I deserve it just because I'm in love with another man? Like that's what I mean. I hate the fact I'm constantly called disgusting etc. Sorry, I should've worded that better in my original post! :redface: I just hate being given abuse or told to end my life or that I'm disgusting for something I have no control over. And I hate seeing other gay people receive the same. Like it physically pains me. I am currently getting therapy, however I'm thinking of changing therapists (this one is...well, to put it lightly, useless :dry: ) But yes, I do have my husband to hold on to. He's all that's keeping me going right now. He's been so supportive and understanding. I'm just struggling with the abuse since I came out all the way up to now. You know when things just pile up and up until it breaks you? It's that. Thanks again for replying and sorry if I gave the wrong impression with crappy wording lol
While I can't relate to the amount of discrimination you face, I will say this: you have never, at any point in your life, deserved the hate thrown your way by homophobes. And you don't deserve it now, and you will never deserve it, because homosexuality is something that you cannot change. What I will also say is how awesome it is to see that you are happy in your marriage and that you have accepted yourself. Acceptance alone is a massice step for anyone living in a homophobic environment (and by the sounds of things, yours is far too homophobic). If you feel like you need to change therapists, I suggest you do so. They are there to help you, and if you are continuing to have suicidal thoughts, then something is not right. But do continue with therapy, because you may just find that one therapist who helps you as much as your husband is helping you at the moment. However, you may want to try out other methods. Meditation, for one. Maybe just writing down every negative thing and destroying the paper in the most enjoyable way possible might help. Over time, you will learn to ignore the homophobes as much as you can. That may seem like a long way off and the journey there is inevitably full of obstacles, but you will make it. Stay optimistic. I realise that this is easier said than done, and that you may feel almost fake at times, but it helps to keep a positive mindset. Because I swear the therapy will improve, and deflecting insults will be so easy and you will just laugh them off. And it goes without saying that your husband will be there every step of the way. I wish you the very best of luck
"Internalised homophobia" is not quite the same as "internally homophobic". Internalised homophobia can be where you have, over time, absorbed straight society's 'messages' and you have internalised the belief that you are 'wrong' or 'not normal'
Oh no, I know. Like I said, I accept myself and acknowledge I'm gay. I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, because I know I'm not. What I mean is like I hate how it's so easy for us to get attacked or abused and I hate that I'm in a position where all I have to do is breathe and homophobes come at me. When I was closeted, not once was I bullied or even remotely abused. The second I came out, and was proud of it, that's when I got full on abused by my peers or even randoms! Luckily my family fully accepted me, no questions asked. They took me as I am. It's just others who are being evil ---------- Post added 17th Jul 2015 at 07:57 PM ---------- Thank you No I don't deserve it. Nobody does...It honestly baffles me how people make someone else's life/relationships THEIR business and can be so vocally hateful and evil? :S My family aren't homophobic thankfully. They're amazingly supportive; it's old 'friends' and peers, even random people who take it upon themselves to attack me/us for no reason. I just hate that I'm in this position, when a few years ago (when I was in the closet) I was never bullied at all and was I guess 'semi-popular'. Think I know who my true friends ended up being now, at least! We're looking to move, actually. And yes, on the lookout for a new therapist too. My current one is sympathetic and understanding, but a little useless :/ I'll try...he's more than worth it! ^^ He definitely will be there. Thanks!
How often is this abuse happening? Sometimes depression can make you focus on negative experiences over and over, a loop where positive experiences are not properly weighed against them. You might try having a small diary where you list those positive things, like when people treated you nicely or with the same respect as other couples. You don't deserve abuse, but you can't control others. Just because you were safe in the closet doesn't mean the your former friends were that great. True friends accept you as you are. You can only control your response to the situation. Homophobia is the real lifestyle choice, and judging from the changes I've seen in just the last ten years, there are a lot more people who are either becoming tolerant or completely supportive of gay rights. I do think that moving would be helpful in letting you reset your situation. Along with that, what are you doing to expand your support network outside of your family and husband? Do you have gay friends, including other couples? Also, try looking for therapists who specialize in LGBT issues in addition to depression/anxiety.
It's almost daily. There's three guys who keeps harassing us for instance, two brothers and another guy on his own. Then the typical remarks from people who barely know us, or not at all. Just passers-by. No you're right, my former 'friends' were not great at all! Yep, the homophobia is definitely the real choice here...! We do have one gay couple as friends; my cousin and his fiance. All the rest are straight friends, (possibly one closeted bisexual?) but they are all lovely. Our best friends are a straight married couple, and they've been fiercely supportive, loyal and protective of us. There really aren't many gay people in the area we live in so it would be nice to branch out and meet some more, especially if we do move. Yup, I'm on the hunt for one of those at the moment. There are a few therapists in the area who specialise in LGBT issues thankfully. Thank you!
Thanks for your reply. I did reply a minute ago but it didn't send! How annoying... :/ There are 3 main guys harassing us on an almost daily basis; 2 brothers and one douchebag on his own! Otherwise it's mostly ex 'friends', people who barely know us or total strangers with the typical homophobic, interfering attitude, bullying and homophobic comments :dry: No, my former friends were not great by any means. But in losing them I found true friends. We know one other gay couple, which happens to be my cousin and his fiance. The rest of our friends are straight as not many gay people live in our area. Our best friends are a straight married couple and have been fiercely loyal, supportive and protective of us. We'd do anything for them! We'd like to branch out and meet other gay people so we don't feel so alone, though. Hopefully moving will help there too? Yep, am on the lookout for a therapist who specialises in LGBT, which thankfully there are a lot of round here (but just not enough LGBT people around here to see them lol!) Thanks!
