Help with supporting my son

This is all new to you, and it's totally understandable you think he needs to take more time to think about it, but it's almost certain that he's been thinking about it for a long time. Deciding to make a proclamation about your sexuality isn't something you do on a whim, it's something that you do after a whole lot of thinking, stressing, weighing the pros and cons, and freaking out. If he feels like it's the right time, the most important thing you can do is keep on being there for him.

 

well there is a big push in the media and news about "coming out". it makes it seem that "coming out" will solve all your internal problems and be a large weight off your shoulders. for many it truly is. however, "coming out" is not something that should be pushed upon everyone in all situations. it is far easier to "come out" when you are out of school, have your own job and means to support yourself and have enough age and experience to shield you from worrying about what others think. if you read the "later in life" section, there are many older people that are struggling with doing this very thing. so even being in a more stable environment and place in your life than being 13 doesn't mean it's a walk in the park. i do think people should feel free to live an authentic life, but i also think that it may come with some level of risk and/or consequences that are unfortunate but have to be weighed before making the decision to come out. your son may feel like a teapot. full of all this angst and steam and internal conflict and with more heat, there's more steam and sooner or later the whistle is going to blow on the teapot. maybe to feel like to alleviate this stress, coming out will help him be at peace. no more secrets, no more hiding, he can live on his own terms and not hide. all these things are true, but 13 is a very hard age for any kid (gay or straight). fitting in, peer pressure, the deep desire to be part of a tribe and accepted, well those are all things that can be complicated with making a big announcment like this.

if it were my son, i would let him know that the only person he needs to come out to first is himself and that by sharing with his parents, you all can work together to make sure HE feels good about himself and secure and loved and then when he get more used to walking in his truth and more security in how HE feels about himself, then he can tell other close friends he feels he wants to know. he should also know that his sexuality is noone elses business but his and he does not owe anyone some big confession or announcement about it. also as a parent, i would be concerned with my 13 y/o making a declaration about his sexuality as if it were set in stone. knowing that sexuality is often fluid, who knows who he may like in 2 years. i have been attracted to both genders but when i was 13 i thought that if you were a guy and you were attracted to guys, that means you are 100% homosexual and that would negate any other attractions you had, period. it would have been great to know at 13 that its normal for sometimes to be attracted to guys and sometimes to girls or sometimes exclusively just to one sex or sometimes just to the other and that i did not have to put a label on myself and that eveutually when i got older and with experience and dating, i would know which one i liked more.

but noone ever told me that. if you liked a guy and you were a guy, you were gay and there was never any coming back from that. .....at least in my mind. yes, your son may be gay. he may be bi, he may have a passing attraction and think that because he has 1 same sex attraction he is 100% gay.i think this is a time when parents can help him figure himself out and clarify what he is feeling. it certainly is not the time to try and deny his feelings or try and "make him change" as we know or should know this is impossible. but when you are keeping a secret and you're young and you do not know much about sexuality and spectrums of sexual fluidity. all you know is "omg, i'm gay...now what!!!???" i have heard stories of straight guys that fooled around with other guys when they were kids to "experiment" but they are happy as straight men. does that mean they are gay and in denial? for some yes and for many, no. my point is, at 13 if it were my kid, id want to get into his head a bit to understand why he feels he is gay and to discuss it. certainly not to suggest he can "change" but just to let him know that whoever he is and whatever he becomes and whoever he likes, i love him unconditionally but he doesn't need to quickly label himself as anything right now.

that's why it is important for the parents in this situation to just have a safe place at home where he can get this stuff out. ask questions and not feel judged or forced to be one way or another.

ultimately if your son wants to shout it from the rooftops he can and will and you really can't stop it but i would encourage you to make him feel safe to do this in stages and while he is doing this in stages, it will also buy him time to get comfortable with himself. kids can be cruel and even in todays time, sure a lot of kids are used to other gays and its' no big deal but there's always some idiot kid that due to his/her own insecurities tries to dump on others. you can't protect him from that but you can help build up his self esteem in this area so if/when that happens, he will feel very secure.

good luck.

 

That made me sad.Your son is brave if he wants to do that I say let him get out while he is young and can find friends that will accept the fact that he is gay. Instead of doing it in like high school.

 

i agree and i think the parents sound very supportive. and yes, im sure he has given this a lot of thought, but at 13, i gave things a lot of thought too but they were clouded and seen through the lens of a 13 y/o mind and experience level. i think that's why parents are there for their kids. not to force them to be something or to force them to be what they want their kids to be, but to nuture, guide, and set their kids up for success in whatever road they will take in life, whether the parent agrees or not. the parent should be the ultimate coach. a coach doesn't always tell you what you want to hear but they certainly tell you the best gameplan so you can score the maximum points and win the game. the coach helps bring out the best in his athlete and also teaches them how to minimize their weaknesses and capitalize on their strengths. when you're in the game of life, sometimes it's hard to think and use your best judgement but your coach helps guide you to success. i think in this situation the parents should be the coach and help arm her kid with the best tools that will help their kid minimize risks and maximize success. if my kid was set on making a public announcement on social media and i knew that i couldn't stop him, i'd work with him. set up a plan of attack. a "launch date" for the announcement. something done in stages. build a team of kids that accept him for who he is. then on "announcement day" i'd have a party for him. invite all the friends that already knew and their parents to a party. it wouldn't be a coming out party but more a support party of friends, family, other school kids and their parents that would all support my kid. letting my kid know that we all loved him. sure the haters will always be tehre, but doing something like this in stages would help him build a support team of friends, family, parents, heck maybe even some teachers could show up at the party. that way id' feel that i had multiple avenues of people looking out for my kid when i wasn't able to be there. heck, id even try and find a gay teen group (supervised) where kids could hang out at a gay center or something or do activities or a talk group. all this before the big announcement. that way, when the announcement happened, he would have already felt some security and multiple people that support him. my kid would have a support team in place so if he started to feel down or depressed or worse, he would know that we're all here instead of just making some blanket announcement on facebook without any support and being reactionary mode after that. thats what i mean, if you can't stop him, join him....help him "win the game" as best you can. set him up for success because the world will not.

 

its best to always come out nefore or after high school. i didnt come out before hand because i was too scarred and i truly hate my self for that, and often feel times of depression as a result and im just saying its best to do freely before hand. also its best to never intervene in this situation as parent until after he comes out and shortly after words.

 

i am not a counselor and i dont have any kids. take my advice with a grain of salt. do what is best for you and your son and family.

 

It is understandable why your son feels the way that he does. First, it is likely a huge weight off his shoulders that you accepted him. This likely has given him a huge boost of confidence and courage. These are great things, but you are right to try and put the breaks on his very public coming out announcement. Being impulsive is not the best way to go about it.

However, I want to caution you that it is important that your son understand your reasons. It is important that you know it is about concern for him rather than because YOU don't want people to know, which sends the message that you are ashamed of him. That can be emotionally crippling.

One of the things that I recommend is that you tell him that he should come out to his Dad before he comes out on social media. Obviously, if he comes out in a public way, there is a good chance that it will get back to his father. It is important that he isn't taken unaware, and it is a sign of basic respect that he doesn't find out from someone else. You can offer to tell him for your son if he doesn't feel comfortable doing it himself. Although, before you do this... how do you think his father will react, and what will you do if he reacts poorly?

Once the immediate family knows (parents and siblings), then it is more appropriate for a public announcement. Although, I would encourage him to tell some of his close friends privately before coming out publicly. That way he can have their support before he comes out in a public way. This is also a sign of respect for his close friends, letting them know first before he tells other people.

In an ideal world everyone he comes out to will accept him and his experiences will be good ones. This makes coming out publicly and receiving any negative comments and feedback easier. He will have a stronger base of support to fall back on.

It is important that you have direct heart to heart conversations with him about coming out, and get an idea of where his head is--and how he thinks he will feel or react if people take the news in a negative way. The best role you can play here is one of helping him sort through all the potential consequences of his decisions, but letting him know that you support his choice to come out. It is entirely his decision who he tells and does not tell, and you'll back him up no matter what.

Beyond that you want to have conversations with him about bullying, and the importance of not feeling guilty or ashamed. It is important that he feel comfortable coming to you and talking about what is going on. It is also important that you talk to him about having confidence in who he is, and not allowing other people to make him afraid or ashamed of standing up for himself. It is important that your son develop his confidence to the point where he doesn't let the opinions and thoughts of other people emotionally hurt him. He needs to learn to have confidence in himself and who he is, and in the immortal words of RuPaul: "Don't forget what my Mamma said, people talkin' since the beginning of time, unless they payin' your bills, pay them bitches no mind."

 

You are doing a good job. Don't worry.

It's good that you know your husband will be 100% supportive. This takes a lot of pressure off both your son as well as yourself. I would definitely nudge him toward coming out to his Dad, but let him set the time table for when he is comfortable with him knowing. It may be tomorrow, it may be next week, it may be next month. Just so long as he knows he is in control over who finds out, and that you'll be there to support him whenever he is ready; that's what really matters.

One thing you can do, if you have not already done so, is offer to tell his Dad for him. This could make things easier on him, though of course the ideal is that he does it himself. He could even write his father a letter, if he feels uncomfortable coming out to him face-to-face. You could offer to read the letter before he gives it to his father. This lets him say what he needs to say in his own words.

All this being said, your son has also been forced out of the closet before he was ready. He's still thirteen years old, and so he's still trying to figure himself out. He's sorting through his own feelings and emotions, and is probably just really beginning to understand and accept his sexuality. He could be gay, he could be bisexual, but it's pretty obvious that he isn't straight.

One of the primary things I would want him to know is that whatever he is feeling and going through is normal. Feeling like he goes back and forth between gay and straight is normal, especially considering the fact that from the moment he was born--like all of us--he was basically presumed to be heterosexual. What is important for him to understand is that he is on a path of self-discovery, and that it is important for him to figure out what is true for him. Labels exist to make it easier for other people to understand, what matters more is that he worry less about labels and more about what is true for him. I would discourage him from looking at the world as a bunch of little boxes, where you check here if you're straight, or you check here if you're gay. The best gift you can ever give yourself is to be yourself. It's okay not to know who or what that is at thirteen.

If I were speaking to your son right now, I'd caution him against coming out to a large number of people until he is more confident in who he is, but ultimately as in all cases coming out is his choice. I understand his desire, which could range from 'just getting it over with' to the desire to connect with others who understand what he is going through and to be accepted. However, I would have a very honest and frank discussion with him. I would tell him that coming out to straight people is different than coming to a place like this forum. Here, we understand what he is going through. Many of us have had similar life experiences to his own, and even if our individual journeys have differed we can easily empathize and know other people who have gone through similar experiences. The straight world is different. From the very beginning of their lives, and every day since they have had their sexuality validated and affirmed by society. They have never had to question it. They were assumed to be heterosexual, and they 'just were' heterosexual. For someone like himself the world is not the same. He was presumed to be heterosexual, and he has come to the realization that he is not. This begins a process of self-discovery. It is important to begin that journey, and figure things out for yourself before you announce things to a straight world that will simply struggle to understand. It is also important to figure out what is true for you, rather than to pick up the nearest label--straight people will label you quickly enough on their own. Being true to yourself and presenting yourself in an authentic way to the world is important. Give yourself time and space to feel what you feel, to experience what you experience. Don't question it. Don't challenge it. Just accept the fact that you feel it, and that is good enough. The truth will sort itself out sooner rather than later.

That would be the advice that I would give to your son were he here right now. Obviously it sounds different coming from me, a gay man, than his mother who is a straight woman. However, the truth of what I've written still stands. Labels are for t-shirts and cans of soup, not people. He's a person. It's okay to be complicated.

Of course, the moment he comes out as anything that is not straight, most people are going to attach the label gay to him whether he likes it or not. However, what other people think is less important than what is true for him. That's where I push him--toward his own personal truth and authenticity.