One of my best friends has a birthday party today. I really wanted to go but..... I haven't slept at all and the party starts in six hours. I'm not even tired. There's no way I'll be up for it. She's really important to me and I never miss her birthdays, but lately I've just been blowing her off time and time again. I'm really afraid she'll give up on me. *sigh* You know, years ago--we're talking like 2007 here--I adored this one anime called "Rozen Maiden." It was about a dollmaker who wanted to create the perfect girl. He made seven dolls and gave them life, but he was dissatisfied by all of them, so he decided to let them fight it out in a battle royale called the Alice Game and the winner would become Alice, the perfect girl. There was this one character I loved--Suigintou, the first doll--and I never really knew why. I mean, she was cool and all, but I really, really adored this character and I only recently figured out why. Y'see, she was broken. Her creator scrapped her design when she wasn't finished and discarded her. He never gave her life, but she came to life on her own because of her love and devotion she felt for her creator but the other dolls called her "junk" because she was broken. She basically went mad and tried to prove everybody wrong by winning the Alice Game through whatever means necessary. I related to her and I never even realized. Why did I have to have all these issues? Why did I have to be so broken? *sigh* I felt so good yesterday. I saw a hedgehog.
You get days like that, we all do. You just have to try and get through them but it can be hard. I know how you feel as far as the 'broken doll' goes as well. I think that its one of those things that transpeople just go through and for me all I can do is try and get through it by thinking ahead to when I'll finally be myself. Whether that 'tactic' will work for you I don't know, everybody is different. It could make you feel better if you try and get to this friends party though. Yesterday I was invited out with some friends, I was having a really bad day but they really helped me get through it and cheered me up for the rest of the day. However you go, good luck!! It will get better!
It's not really about being mentally unfit to attend, it's more about the physical aspect. If I got without having slept, I'm going to be exhausted, get nauseous and then pass out.
Have you tried explaining that to her? Sometimes telling the truth seems like the least obvious thing; the worst thing to do. But pretty much all the time, it's not. Just say how much you wanted to go and how disappointed in yourself you are and how you're sorry how much you've let her down recently and all that. Maybe even offer to take her out to lunch or something. I mean, you could even go for an hour then come back, or take a nap there, if you are close friends...
I can't tell you how many times I was unable to sleep yet found a way to force myself to wake up and do whatever I need to do. You just drink coffee and go... I've also done exams and gotten great marks, every time this happened I was so tempted to stay at home but I knew that I will regret the decision. Calm down, sleep for a few hours and go to the party, at worst when you are there you can always find a quiet spot and close your eyes. Your friend will still appreciate it that you came and you won't feel regrets for not going and not feel the guilt whenever you talk to her.
It's not really that easy. The alarm clock for when I would've had to get up literally just went, so that's no sleep at all for me. I'm an introvert so hanging with other people--especially many in a small space like her parties always are--exhausts a lot of my energy, and I'm going to have none.
If there's still time, I'd consider having a daytime nap, maybe even a full 90 minute sleep cycle. Then consider attending for only a few minutes or half an hour or something like that, explaining to them that you're having a bad day and need some time-out. I'd bet that part of what is making you feel worse, is the sense that you're letting them down and creating problems with the friendship. This way, it's a compromise.
Do you think you can visit her for some moments at least? I mean, you don't have to be there all the time! You can visit her, wish her and come back with an excuse! I know it sounds lame but this way she won't be mad at you, you won't be pushing yourself harder. what do you think?
I gotta see this movie! I know almost nothing about anime, but it sounds interesting. Maybe, the first doll wasn't really broken at all? I'm guessing it ended up winning the challenge? And if she did end up winning, that would be really interesting because it would be a victory of substance (love and devotion for her creator) over the style and vanity of the other dolls. And maybe your mind is conflicted, trying to hint to you that you're not broken?
I saw some of the series (there are three now, I think? 13 episodes each). Suigintou's story is a pretty tragic one, and as she wasn't the "protagonist", she never really won. I don't know if she ever got added to the main cast as a supporting character, but she was always an antagonist in the two series I saw. But I understand the sentiment Lazuri has in identifying with her. I can really empathize with the idea of being broken and wanting to be whole. Can't really say that I've had a completely sleepless night like this often, but it is bad when it happens. I know that it is probably too late for real advice, but it has already been given in this thread. Being there the whole time isn't required to give support, and honestly, dropping by in person even for a little bit would mean a lot to me in her situation. You can balance both, but it isn't easy. It took me a while to realize that I needed to do that more.
I would if she didn't live 90 minutes away with public transit, so we're talking three hours of public transit there and back again for a few minutes at the party and I don't have that in me on no sleep. She never did win Though at the end of the second series, her creator finished her. But the anime was taking liberties at that point since it never happened in the manga, so it wasn't canon.
I can understand you, I lost so many friends during my life because I made plans with them and just couldn't force myself to see them because of how introverted I am and anxiety/dysphoria. It's a shame that she lives so far away, how strong is your relationship with her? Have you cancelled plans in the past or this is a one time thing? No matter what, phone her and explain why you can't come. It's ptobably better to just be truthful, her living such a long distance from you gives you a good enough excuse when combined with feeling bad because of lack of sleep. Tell her how much you wanted to come but was struggling to do anything. Emphasizing how much you care for her is probably a good idea. Maybe make plans to see her later on during the week and give her a nice present...
I talked to her and while she understood my reason for not coming and accepting my apology, I could tell she was disappointed.
