I've never had a real crush before. All I can remember is a boy I was associated with as a a kid (whom I can't be sure I really liked because I was, uh, five or something) and similar situations with other people during life, but I've never really felt attracted to them and since always I've had trouble understanding the concepts of getting married, dating and such, even though I tried to engage in the process very childishly sometimes. Recently I've come across an actress (ok, no, it's been months, a year or so) and she plays male roles in a very prestigious theater company and every time I see her my stomach DROPS. It just goes shwooop, especially during kissing scenes. And she's so gorgeous and I think about her all the time. I get so giggly when she does anything and it's SUPER embarrassing. Seems like pretty regular symptoms to a pretty regular disease but here's the deal: It is actually common practice for other (girl)fans to have crushes on these male roleplayers, which may or may not be just like mine, and they are all very dedicated to their respective sweethearts. In fact, 90% of the fanbase is female and I'm willing to bet most of them entertain an special actress above others. The company itself is very conservative so they've always just brushed it off as heterosexual attraction to the image portrayed on stage. I thought it was bullshit initially but, then again, how could SO many women be gay? Many of them are mothers or in a happy relationship and still pretty much in the same place I am right now (even though we can't be sure about stomaches catapulting into themselves), so maybe I am actually just straight and projecting a male into the harmless figure of a girl because I am afraid of them, or whatever, I'm not sure. I'm also a feminist so there's the fear that I was just influenced by the movement too. I keep consuming lesbian media (books and movies and such) and I feel very similarly during the, uh, kissing scenes, but I still don't feel like... I really get to call myself gay. And my biggest fear is that I am just trying to be a special snowflake or hiding/supressing my attraction to men. I see gay people who are sure of it talking about how they kept repressing their attraction to girls or dudes and feel terrible about it, wondering if that's what I'm going through, but with dudes. I even feel like I worded this post to trick you guys into taking the conclusions I want to hear regarding myself and that I'm manipulative and terrible. It's nightmarish how much I overthink this. Can someone help? It's consuming me.
Dude! It's crazy how much I can relate to that last paragraph! Because what you say is LITERALLY exactly how I feel, my advice will suck but I'd say you sound pretty gay, especially if you've been attracted to this woman for about a year, that seems to mean it's not a 'curious phase' or whatever. I also worry I just think I'm gay to be special, you're not alone in that :/ With the overthinking, I guess all you can do is just wait and see, cos trying not to overthink things will just result in you overthinking them more (at least it does for me). If you have any way to, I'd say try kissing a girl etc because you can't really deny what you're feeling then. But basically, I feel like what you are going through could possibly be a form of denial? Like thinking you are pretending to be gay because deep down you don't want to be? Anyway this is the most incoherent reply ever, but good luck :lol:
Wow, thank you so much for your reply! I'm really glad someone can relate to me somehow. I really wish I could just chill about this and let things happen at their own pace because it feels like I'm trying to figure out theoretically something you can only fully understand practically, you know? But my mind just won't give me a break at all. If you figure out what's going on with how you feel you should definitely tell me about it, maybe we're on the same boat.
I agree, the last paragraph is a very poignant and relatable one. It is VERY scary to say to yourself, "I believe I am a lesbian," and then soon after feel these feelings of "I shouldn't then look at guys or find guys attractive" or "Am I really a lesbian or do I just think I am?" I have felt these things before and I am very scared by them, too. One thing that really gets to me is that before I realized that I was attracted to women (cause there is absolutely no doubt that I am bisexual) I never once thought about *who* I found attractive, ie, it was easy for me to acknowledge that a dude was "attractive" (not that I was attracted TO him, just that he was attractive by standards) and overlook guys who weren't. Now that I am aware of myself I constantly watch women, and whenever I see a woman that is attractive but I'm not attracted to her I worry what must be wrong with me. It's really stressful, I know. I just want to agree with myself, you know? Like I want to be able to say "Yes, I am a lesbian, and no, I don't have to worry about it." My best advice (cause I'm still struggling with this) is to lay off on the lables and whatnot. Just allow yourself to be attracted to who you are attracted to. And be honest with yourself. I've been really trying to talk to myself recently and ask questions about what I want to be seen as and whether this is really affecting my thoughts. This has been helping me realize that I am a lot less driven by sexual desires, as well. Like I've realized that just being attractive is often not enough for me - personalities REALLY win me over. So sometimes I find myself thinking "Aw, that guy is cute" or getting "fuzzy feelings" but I never am like "Dang look at that sexy dude". Sorry this is so long and rambling - I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and perhaps my thoughts were relatable as well. I think it's important to listen to ourselves when we feel uneasy - but it doesn't necessarily mean we are repressing being straight or whatever. I think it is scary to recognize, when you've believed yourself to be straight beforehand, that you are giving up all that comes with that. You get cold feet almost. But it doesn't mean it's not the right decision or what is really true inside of you. Anyway. I hope that helped in any way. Again, sorry it's super long!
I can relate quite a lot to you myself, waltzing. No worries- you are not alone in this. I had almost the exact some doubts as you when I started seriously questioning my sexuality. As I find myself saying a lot on here, everyone's experiences/discovery/feelings can be pretty subjective and different. Take what I say with a pinch of salt, but I still hope it helps somewhat. Unfortunately a lot of doubts have no concrete answers/resolutions/whatever, and sometimes you have to let them be. Accept that they're there, and overthinking them is probably not going to give you anything concrete. Also, I can't sit you down right now and tell you who you are. Remember that uncertainty is fine. Uncertainty is a normal thing. Try not to think too much about why you're feeling a certain way, or maybe there's some other explanation, or whatnot- rather, just let yourself feel and let your feelings go where they go, where they feel best and where you feel best. After all, at the end of the day, you deserve to be happy. No matter who you are, you will probably likely be happiest and most fulfilled in the long run embracing it- whatever orientation you may come to discover you are. And sure-there are some perks of being a non-straight person, and there are some things that I can think of that makes me love being gay sometimes. But none of those are made me who I am. I never sat down and made that decision, I never weighed a pros and cons list, I never tried to really be anything-I did try to be straight for a good while, but guess what- that did nothing to change my orientation. You can try so hard to be an orientation you are not- but ultimately it's not going to work unless you are. You can change your sexual conduct (who you flirt with, who you have sex with, who you date), but you can't change your orientation-even if it is more fluid, that's still what it is. Don't worry. I spent so long illegitimatizing what I felt at any given point because I was like- "yeah, I'm probably only doing/feeling this because (reason a, reason b, reason c)- it's not real, it's not because I actually-" And then I'd feel terrible and anxious about it. Do yourself a solid favour. Go for what makes you happy, there's no need to know everything at any given point, or have to think through everything, even if you have your doubts and uncertainties. Don't invalidate yourself- whatever your orientation might be. Also, there is nothing that can turn you gay- being in all girls' school, being a feminist, anything, etc. The only thing that might happen is that if you already are a non-straight person, some things might help you realize that you aren't straight quicker than you would've, but it's not the reason why someone "suddenly turned gay," and it's not going to change your sexuality. For a long time I thought I was holding back my attraction towards dudes too in some way or another. Then I just let myself go, because hey if I really did like guys then go for it, I might like girls and guys and everyone! And if that makes me happy, then I should just go for all that- and basically roamed free- I admired at guys who are objectively very attractive, and I realized that maybe they are good looking and super cool, but there was no sexual or romantic attraction there. Ah well. I thought I was holding myself back but to be honest, there wasn’t much I was holding myself back from. I still let myself admire good looking dudes! I still let myself admire guys who are talented and great people, and sometimes I'll see a guy and want to be his friend. I could at this very moment repress that and not let myself do or feel any of that because hey, I don't have much desire to do anything with a guy besides hang out anyways. But even if I didn't repress anything I feel towards guys, let myself feel all I want- all I feel is, at its core, not a whole lot. Maybe in the future I might realize differently- but you know, that's cool too. But I am who I am right now, and this how I feel and it's valid. It's all fine. I don't always feel attracted to every women I see either. Sometimes I just admire their aesthetic look-just like I do with guys. But I know that my sexual attractions/desire and my strong romantic feelings are towards women, and that at the end of the day I can say that I want a girlfriend/wife. Best of luck. You're not alone in this (*hug*) And from personal experience, you're not going to be stuck forever, it'll get better and I (and the rest of us) believe in you.
You ladies are the sweetest, I'm so glad I made this thread. And it's really reassuring how the last paragraph ended up hitting hard for some of you because it was the most embarrassing one and I kind of wrote it on a whim, not really thinking about it, so it's probably the most genuine too. (&&&) I can SO relate to this, definitely! Like, how can you call yourself a lesbian if your actions or way of attraction doesn't correspond to this previous pattern that's been generally accepted by the lesbian community, huh, waltzing? You're probably just faking it. I'm so glad you get it but I feel kind of bad too, it's not the greatest thing in the universe. I am happy to see you're making progress on your own and it's inspiring for me to be brave on the acceptance road too, so thank you very much for sharing. This is the best advice I've gotten in a while. Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me this, it really makes the whole process seems lighter than it is and makes me feel more content with the ways I'm deciding to go about it, and also for cheering me on! I feel energized.
