i feel really confused about my sexual orientation All my life I've had crushes on females, but for some years I've had 'gay' fantasies , and I have to admit that these fantasies are more frequent when I masturbate. But, my 'gay desires' instantly go once I ejaculate, and I feel a little disgusted with myself. I don't crave any romantic relationships with men, and I always crave an intimate relationship with beautiful women. I have such low self esteem that I find it hard to believe any women would want to have sex with me. I find it hard to watch beautiful women in porn because I feel as though it's just too unrealistic I would have sex with those women etc and my mind wonders to thoughts of those women rejecting me. Is it common that people who suffer with anxiety and such low self esteem, will develop homo erotic fantasies? I feel in my fantasies I don't have the low self esteem or anxiety, and thoughts of being unworthy If so, how can I help myself ? I don't wish for my fantasies to disappear, but I don't want to feel afraid of sexual relationships with women
What you describe is exactly what people who are gay, but are early in the stages of self-acceptance experience. There's actually a biochemical reason why people suddenly feel revulsion after orgasm; it's a byproduct of evolution. Without it, we'd never have left our caves to get food. But for people in the process of coming out, the revulsion is amplified by the conscious fear of being gay. This, too, is pretty common for men in the early stages of realizing they aren't straight. What you are likely struggling with is the conflict between your conscious desire and the hardwired arousal you are feeling. No, there's absolutely no evidence of that whatsoever in the literature. I can't tell you for sure what your sexual orientation is. What I can tell you is that whenever anyone goes through the process of exploring their sexuality and coming to terms with the idea they may not be straight, there are stages in processing the loss (in this case, loss of perception of being straight). The stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. What leads me to believe you are more likely toward the gay end of the spectrum is the sexual arousal during masturbation. That is the single most reliable indicator we have, because it is coming from the unconscious, outside of your conscious control, and is generally a highly accurate predictor of what your underlying hardwired sexual orientation is. The problem is... this is often in conflict with what your conscious wants. Most guys who have gone through the process of coming out absolutely did not want to be gay, denied it, felt the anger... convinced themselves that maybe they were bi, or it was just a phase, or (in your case) that there was some other explanation... and then eventually came to the realization that this is who they really are. And what I just described is the textbook classic stages of loss I described above. Again, I can't tell you what you are... only you can know that. It takes time to understand, to accept, to process, to come to terms with whatever your orientation is. Give yourself time to think, consider, explore, but in time, whatever your truth is, it will be something that you can eventually embrace and accept.
Dang. I'm amused how similar experiences people here have. This is so close to what I'm experiencing. Same age, same disgusting feeling after masturbating. It's really hard. Though I'm slowly trying to open to the possibilities by exploring things.
Thanks for the response But, I don't understand what you mean by conscious desire.. And how you say it's common for gay men to experience desires for hetro relationships.. I've actually accepted that I'm not straight for some years now, so I guess my post is a little misleading .. Just recently feeling bad after masturbation, and wanted to air my thoughts Just this week, I was talking to an older women on a dating site who seemed very interested in meeting me and was very flirtatious. This turned me on A LOT and I masturbated to the thought of sleeping with her several times. Now, had she not shown her interest in me, I would've assumed I was 'too ugly' and she wouldn't be interested The scenario I described above has happened several times over the time I've used this dating site. So, this is where my confusion begins. How can I be gay if I'm turned on by women (if I don't feel like I'm too ugly for them - my low self esteem has gradually gotten worse and worse over the years ) ? But how can I be straight if I have gay fantasies? Obviously the conclusion is I'm Bi, but if my sexual fantasies are more regularly gay, is it possible this is because I feel I'm simply not good enough for any woman ?
Seems like there are a few kinks to straighten here, remember that you're always your harshest critic, whole you may think that you're unattractive and unflattering someone else might find you quite the looker, despite how unrealistic and unreasonable it may appear. Secondly do you think men will be more embrace-ful of you? I don't think there is such a difference between what men and women seek, as they can both be equally shallow and vain in that retrospect. It seems that you are pretty assertive that your insecurities with women are insignificant to your attraction towards men? (correct me if I'm wrong) now if you think that your insecurities with women is putting you off of pursuing women and focusing on men, then that's a different topic of it's own
Ok, so this may or may not be helpful as I am a female. But I literally relate to everything you said as I am struggling with sort of the same issue. I don't have any answers for you and I feel so hypocritical saying this as I am not very good at doing this myself but you really should try and work on you self confidence and anxiety. I really do understand how crippling these issues can be and while you never feel good enough for women you will constantly be afraid of rejection and therefore afraid of relationships and or sex with them. If you start to feel better about yourself I am certain that this aspect will improve. I know that is easier said than done but it seems really important. On the other hand, you may find that you want to pursue relationships with men. And that's ok too. Once your mind is in a better place I think you will be able to think clearer.
There's been several times during my teenage years where I was rejected, or put down by attractive females. Times where I felt so unworthy.. I've met girls online who I chatted to for months and months , and felt genuine feeling toward them but I was too scared to meet them out of fear of 'being too ugly in real life' The thing with men is, I don't care about the rejection. I don't seek a relationship after any sex. And yeah, I do assume older men would be easily interested in a younger guy like me Now I don't fully understand your question in the last paragraph, but I would say 100% my insecurities have stopped me Pursuing women. ---------- Post added 6th Aug 2015 at 12:16 AM ---------- Hi. Honestly it makes me feel a lot better that you can relate to what I'm describing And I have every intention of building some self confidence and beating my anxiety. Thanks again...
