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Why is the prospect of coming out to family so daunting?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Tardis221B, Jul 4, 2015.

  1. Tardis221B

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    I think the title says it all...

    I'm so easily able to write coming out letters to my friends - sending them is another story... but coming out to family. The thought is overwhelming.

    Every time I open up a word doc to start writing a letter to my brother, I draw a blank. I just cant find the words to say what I need to.

    I have rough draft of a letter written to my parents but I think its too much and I'll need to edit it down. And first I need to come out to a few friends, my brother, and other people before I tell my parents.

    Its not fair the stress that has to go into this.
     
  2. Van

    Van
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    I guess we fear rejection.

    Why a letter, though? Is it not easier to just come out in person? I myself have written letters that I wanted to send to my mom, but I never did, cuz I thought I'd feel way too awkward to face her after and I wasn't sure if she's going to read it all. And when I actually came out to her in person, I was very calm.

    You'll come out whenever you feel ready. :slight_smile: Hope everything goes well! (*hug*)
     
  3. Posthuman666

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    I am going to come out to my family as trans soon and it is completely terrifying. The idea that they will reject who you are is very scary. I think a letter could be a great idea, but so could talking in person.
     
  4. Matto_Corvo

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    It was easier to come out to my friends then to my mom, and I'm terrified to tell the rest of my family buy I need to soon.

    I did it through text messages and Facebook messages. When it comes to speaking to people face-to-face about serious issues I tend to put on a joking air. Usually means some people don't take me seriously. Plus seeing their reaction scares me.
     
  5. Eveline

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    It really was terrifying when I came out, unfortunately, it often isn't a very nice experience as the closer the person is to you, the larger the chance that they will fear losing you and try to dissuade you from transitioning. Try to show no doubt and reassure your mother that you will still be the same person that they love. My mother felt a huge sense of loss when I came out to her as she felt that transitioning meant losing the son she has known and loved. I made the mistake of not recognizing this and as the day went on she became more and more uncomfortable until finally everything blew up and it didn't end well.

    Take your time and don't rush into things, be sure that you really don't have any doubts and that you feel comfortable enough with this journey to cope with being bombarded with comments that border on transphobia. Your mother might be very desperate to try and persuade you that you are wrong or in other words she might act cruelly for "your own good".
     
    #5 Eveline, Jul 4, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2015
  6. Tardis221B

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    Thanks everyone

    Don't worry, i'm definitely taking my time. I've been mulling this over for 6 months now, and figuring out my gender for about a year. I'm probably not going to come out to family for a few more months, and thats okay - its a big step to come out to family.

    And letters, well thats two reasons. One being that I'm more articulate in the written form. And the other, more important issue being that I live far away from my family. I could come out via phone, but in my case, I think a letter better fits the situations.
     
  7. Lunarchy

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    It's simply the fear of never being able to go back. Once you've said it, everything will be different for ever. You can't just say "oh just kidding" or "I take it back." It's not so much the fear of rejection as the knowledge than any changes in the way you're family sees you or treats you after you come out is forever. It's a daunting situation no matter how you look at it. That's just me however. I set a date for myself, said "I'm coming out in 3 days." Than enjoyed those last three days in the closet before coming out to my friends and family as though I was ripping off a band-aid. (Fortunately, most people had already assumed I was gay to begin with... It's weird when you're the last person to know things about yourself.)
     
  8. Matto_Corvo

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    There is also the fact that you'll have to possibly explain how you came to understand that you are transgender, then have your family say you're wrong and that they know you are because 'they know you. Better than you know you."

    Its the fear of rejection, the fear of confrontation, the fear of change, and the fear of not going back. Its also the fear of the unknown. These are people we have spent our lives with, we are about to stir up their world by telling them we are not who they think.

    Anyway that you choose to tell them, I wish you the best of luck.
     
  9. Michael

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    In my experience, there is two types of reactions. The first is the good one, coming from relatives who have always loved you just for being yourself. They might have had a feeling something was 'a bit off' with you already or not. Please keep in mind this doesn't free you from their well meant questions of concern, whichigh might sound stupid to you. Number one question being 'Are you sure?'.

    Second type of reactions come from the ones who loved the image they had from you. As you become a threat to this image, you become an enemy. For some reason, mothers seem to be the usual suspects. While fathers are mostly happy about having a son, mothers' brain tend to short circuit for some reason. They might even become hurtful on purpose, 'all for your own good'.

    Coming out is mandatory, so being ready for the worst is mandatory as well. Your parents might be very verbal about 'the need for accepting gays and lesbians', out of PC, and then show a very different side when it happens at home.

    My point is, feelings are important, and at the end, being human, we must take care of them before they take care of us. However there is another aspect of coming out... The financial aspect. If you are financially dependent on them, and they stop supporting you overnight, you might have to deal with a crash course on Real Life. It has happened with many trans, some of them never saw it coming.

    I think you are being reasonable taking your time in coming out. I'm doing this slowly as well, and so far it has worked. Go first for the ones you get good vibes from, and take it from there. Think of it as a plan, and try to figure out several steps in advance.

    Finally, you don't need to explain much if you dont want to. You can inform them about the process, the legal and medical aspects and so on, but chances are they won't be ready to deal with how you feel, so leave this out. After all you don't need to sound convincing', this is not about facing a grand jury, this is about giving information. There will be time later for talks about feelings.

    This is how I see it and go about it. Whatever happens, we'll be around. Take your time.
     
    #9 Michael, Jul 5, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 5, 2015