1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

accepting but moving on

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by razorsharp, Jul 2, 2015.

  1. CodeForLife

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2015
    Messages:
    300
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Bay Area, CA, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Thanks for posting here @razorsharp and everyone.

    While I can relate to the not being ready to come out part, I really appreciate the spectrum of ideas brought up here. Although the people around me are probably far more accepting compared to what you are suggesting about the people around you @razorsharp, I definitely do *not* want to let people down or affect my life negatively by living out my internal feelings at this time.

    I think you just have to find a time or place where you would feel comfortable about your revealing your true identity and move on from there. For me, that's online on EC for now. I hope for it to be the case offline later, but in the interim, celibacy is the option I'm working through. I'm not particularly bound by religious beliefs on this matter, I just tend to analyze things pretty deeply. At the moment, not coming out is the right choice according to my inner scale of risks vs benefits.
     
  2. CameronBayArea

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2014
    Messages:
    83
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    SF Bay Area
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Razorsharp - I've been celibate for nearly three years. I can continue indefinitely, with very little angst.

    After years of experimenting with hook-ups, friends with benefits and mostly-monogamous relationships, I realized that the short-term stuff isn't fulfilling for me. At best, a good connection turns into a wistful memory and that makes me sad.

    I don't want to be sad so I only do what I know will make me happy in the long run. Giving up sex in the short-run isn't a big deal, especially if it keeps me mentally and emotionally available should I ever meet someone special.

    Your motivation to be celibate is completely different from mine so you might not find my experience helpful. What you might like to know is why it's so easy for me...

    The primary reason it's easy is because I'm not denying myself anything. I happily enjoy whatever kind of porn suits me. I watch a lot of gay-themed movies, shorts and TV shows on Youtube. I participate in two really awesome peer support groups. I have loads of real-life and Internet friends. Although not perfect, my life is happy and fulfilling. Just as importantly, I've excised the negative. I don't experience any shame, guilt or denial. I feel no pressure to be celibate. As long as it remains a positive experience for me, it will continue - which is exactly why it's effortless and self-sustaining.

    To be honest, I don't see how you could remain celibate for long. You're not at peace with yourself and the reason you're choosing that option is because it's the least-bad alternative to what you really want. That's not a sustainable motivation. That's desperation.

    If you're serious about being celibate I think you need to pursue it in a positive way. Specially, you should seek out groups or organizations that show people - all people, not just those struggling with their sexuality - how celibacy positively affects their mental health. Instead of stifling your sexual energy, you need to find uplifting ways to redirect it in ways that you find deeply fulfilling. You can't be celibate, unfulfilled and happy. To be happy, you either need to have sex or find ways to be authentically fulfilled without worrying about whether you're celibate or not.
     
  3. razorsharp

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2014
    Messages:
    78
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    That's pretty good advice CameronBayArea. Thanks. I would disagree with the part about gay porn though. I try to stay away from any porn, it's not healthy. It may be easy for you to be celibate for 3 years, but try 33 years!
     
  4. Damien

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,246
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Two options that com3 to mind for m3.

    On3: For God's sak3 acc3pt your s3xualtiy. If you can think of a singl3 way in which two p3rsons of th3 sam3 g3nd3r b3ing s3xually intimat3 hurts ANYON3 in any way, post it. If you find it 'do3s no harm whatso3v3r' and furth3rmor3, f33ls damn good too, h3ck just l3t go of th3 homophobic rubbish your folks and/or soci3ty put into your mind, and 3mbrac3 who you ar3. So you pr3f3r guys...so what?

    Two. Th3r3 is a m3ditation practic3 call3d 'Jhana' that is a non-s3nsual pl3asur3, and it is said that if you can acc3ss this stat3 r3gularly, you won't want to hav3 s3x at all, with anyon3 at all, cos that stat3 f33ls so b3autiful you 3nd up pr3f3rring th3 bliss of jhana to s3x pl3asur3. (NB you don't hav3 to b3 a Buddhist to practic3 it, only to abstain from drugs, lying, killing anything (not 3ven bugs), st3aling 3tc, ie b3 'cl3an living' which you probably alr3ady are if you are religious, h3r3's a link to th3 t3ach3r whos3 instructions got m3 clos3r to this stat3 than anyon3 3ls3 (this is just on3 vid3o of many h3 has mad3):

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHQWRpd2VTI

    Just on3 last thing, if you ar3 3xclusively gay i3 you ar3 attract3d only to guys, and not to girls, pl3as3 mak3 sure you TELL THIS to any woman you are consid3ring a relationship with. It would be r3ally unfair if you didn't, right? Think of the hurt you could caus3 h3r down the track, wh3n it 3v3ntually b3com3s cl3ar to h3r that you are gay...and it will on3 way or anoth3r. All avoidabl3 by being totally hon3st and op3n from th3 start.

    Good luck.
     
    #44 Damien, Jul 8, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2015
  5. razorsharp

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2014
    Messages:
    78
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Thanks Damien. I will look at the video..maybe it will work. I disagree that homosexuality is not harmful - it definitely can be harmful in many ways. This is one of the non-religious reasons why i've never tried it. However, I won't go into that now.

    If I am able to control my sexual urges, then that is at least part of the battle.
     
  6. user199

    user199 Guest

    Joined:
    May 8, 2013
    Messages:
    56
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    miami fl
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    reading this thread I found the arguments towards accepting your orientation n acting on them very rational. However for some people it does not work out that way. there are two pieces to your puzzle. I think you honest enough to admit that you are gay or have ssa whatever you like to describe yourself.. the second is deciding whether or not to act on it..personally for me I consider myself gay but I have chosen not to act on it for a while now. I being an Indian come from a culture where being gay is not even an option for people..just lucky I am in united states where I don't live under that fear at least most of the times. sex in my view is way to overrated n how you go about living your life being celibate or not is your own choice..my advice is if you know are gay don't fight it.. you can be gay n happy with or without sex...i personally know lots of friends thru meetups n my meditation group who are gay happy single n not dating or looking to date.. just take a deep breath n focus on reality the now...

    Namaste...
     
    #46 user199, Jul 11, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2015
  7. Yossarian

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2013
    Messages:
    1,814
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If it were only about the sex, then being celibate would be an unpleasant but possible "solution". Sadly, the world doesn't work that way either.