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Completely confused about myself..

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Confusedgal99, Jun 26, 2015.

  1. Confusedgal99

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    Hey ! sorry this is very long .. I'm a 16 year old girl and I think I'm bisexual but I'm very, very confused. I'm still young and I haven't had too many sexual or romantic experiences so I really don't know what to think about myself. The thing is, I love my best friend, who is a girl. I've been friends with her for about 3 years now and after about a year of being friends with her I began to notice I had developed feelings for her. I dismissed the feelings though because I was in complete denial that I could be lesbian or bisexual. I made myself forget the feelings I had for her but a few months ago the feelings became stronger and I couldn't ignore them at all. I kept it to myself for awhile but I ended up telling one of my other best friends because I was just so confused and I knew she wouldn't judge me. This made the situation very real because I was getting a different opinion, she's supportive of me but because she moved to a different country so I don't really talk to her as much anymore but we text all the time. But anyway the attraction for my friend is still very much there but I can't tell her for the reason that she's my best friend and would never feel the same way about me.. And that really upsets me tbh because I love her. What makes it worse is that I am so close to her and with her a lot so I can't can't get away from the feelings but I don't want to grow apart from her either. I feel jealous of her if she's with my other friends or a boy because I can't have her. And the thing is that I tell her everything and I can't tell her this and I really want to. I might tell her I'm bisexual but I'm still con fused about my sexuality and I'm scared to. I've had conversations with her and she has nothing against gay people and once I was with friends and we were having a conversation about if your friend was lesbian for you what would you do. One of my friends said they would ignore the person but she said she wouldn't be able to just stop being friends with someone if they liked her if they were best friends, so I know she wouldn't hate me. Still though another thing is is that I'm in an all girls school and I would definitely be judged, even by people who are "non judgemental". Because people are always like "oh I support gays" but then as soon as someone comes out as gay, they talk shit.
    I never really realised I had feeling for girls until her but thinking back , they were always there since I've been young. I've always been very sexual and when I was younger me and my friends would touch and kiss to "practice for boys". But I'm not sure if any of my crushes on boys were because I was trying to fit in or were they actually genuine. Thinking of them, they seemed just because my friends said I'd be good with them or because they liked them. But I haven't had many experiences with boys so I'm not completely sure.
    But I've always been more sexual with girls it seems. I've always thought myself to have attractions to boys but now I'm questioning myself and I really don't know.. My friends always try to set me up with boys but I always seem to reject them and my friends just think I'm being awkward, but I think it's just because I don't feel as attracted to them. I do appreciate a good looking guy when I see one though and there was one guy I liked though so maybe I'm just shy when my friends I trying to set me up but I'm not really sure.. I think I'm just trying to fit in with them but I haven't had many experience with either sex and I don't know what I am yet to be completely honest. All I know right now is that I love my best friend.
    I have a lot of confidence issues and anxiety and I don't really know where they come from.. Maybe it's because my twin is prettier than me and people like her better but also people have put me down or made sly comments about me that I have never forgotten. And now my sexuality is causing me to question myself and get upset. I don't feel ready to come out as anything as I'm scared and confused.
     
  2. Confusedgal99

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    Anyone at all?
     
  3. Suspector

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    Alright, so normally, I don't tell people to go look at porn, but you have a sexual dilemma. Go look at Lesbian porn. Then gay (man and man )porn. Take some notes on how you feel. Typically if you are more lesbian, you will like lesbian porn. If you are more straight, you will like the gay porn. Take note, that it is porn, so it will all turn you on, but we are trying to figure out the strengths of the turn ons, and if one of them (probably the gay man on man one) gives you any form of anxiety.

    Also, I wouldn't come out yet if you don't feel like it. Maybe consider seeing a therapist. It sounds like you have some insecurities that stem from over thinking, being to self critical, sexual dilemma = social dilemma.. Since you are questioning hard, it is reasonable to think it will make you think strangely in situations, since you are probably questioning while talking to whoever the aesthetically good looking person is. Things like that.
     
  4. Lyana

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    Following Suspector's advice is unlikely to do you harm, unless you're absolutely grossed out by porn. I'm not going to say don't look at porn, because there's nothing wrong with it, but I will say that it may not help. Not everyone is into porn. I've watched some porn out of curiosity, and was turned on by maybe two videos. The rest either made me wince, made me feel uncomfortable, or just did nothing for me.
    Also, some lesbians watch gay male porn. Some straight women watch lesbian born. So I wouldn't focus on just porn, but more on what you could see yourself doing in the future. Kissing a guy, or a girl? (Of course, if you love your best friend, it may be hard picturing yourself with anyone else right now.)

    Anyway, Confusedgal99 -- my advice to you is to first relax. Don't think about the possible consequences right now, don't think about what will happen if/when you come out of the closet. Take things one step at a time and maybe figure out your orientation first. But even that isn't such a big deal: you know you love your best friend, and that's okay, and it doesn't really matter, for now, if you're bi or lesbian, as long as you allow yourself to have these feelings. Don't be upset, because there's nothing wrong with not being straight, and things will work themselves out.

    We all know how painful it is to have unrequited feelings. When I was your age, I was in love with my best friend, too. He was a gay guy, so obviously that didn't work out. We were best friends anyway, and we're still friends even if we kind of grew apart after high school. I never told him, because I knew there was no chance. He knew I loved him, but not in a romantic way. I supported his relationships because they made him happy. I hung out with him because it made me happy. Sure, it hurt sometimes, but I much preferred to be close to him and to have him happy, than to not have him at all or to have him miserable and lying to himself and to me.
    I suppose this may not be helpful, since I'm talking about my own experience, and everyone is different, but I just want to say... Yeah, it sucks loving someone who can never like you back. But it happens a lot, and you're not alone.

    As to coming out to your friend... You don't have to. But she sounds like she would be accepting, really. Maybe you can test the waters a little, tell her there's something you haven't told many people and you're afraid how they'd react. She will likely be supportive. In my experience, having other people know is very liberating.
    It really is your decision whether or not to tell her you like her. If you're 100% sure she's straight, though, it may hurt more than it helps.

    Try not to worry too much. You'll be okay. ♥
     
  5. Confusedgal99

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    The thing is that I've looked at porn and i've enjoyed watching both lesbians and straight sex. So it doesn't really clarify. I think I really need to be with a guy and a girl just to see but that's easier said than done. and I know I can't be with my best friend so I'll try my best to get over her. I'll try to figure myself out before I do anything drastic which might take awhile but I'll surely figure it out eventually so I'll try not to get stressed and worked up about and accept myself. I'll talk to my other friend I told just to have someone support me. I just know that I am definitely not completely straight.
    If I was to go see a therapist though, wouldn't my parents have to know? I don't want to talk to them about this even though I know they would accept me, but I really don't want to talk to them when I don't even understand me myself. Yeah I do have problems with overthinking things which leads to anxiety and panic attacks and I do talk to the friend I love about it, so you can see how close I am to her, I literally tell her everything but I think it would wreck our friendship if I was to tell her. Thank you both for the advice!!
     
    #5 Confusedgal99, Jun 27, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2015