What Makes A Good Relationship?

I think it really depends on the problem. It's not just that we're a throw-'em-away culture. Some problems really are too big to overcome and are out of your control (incompatibility, one partner falling out of love, different goals and values, etc). But in that case, it's not the good and healthy relationship you talk about preserving, BoiGeorge. So assuming the problem can be worked around and both parties want to...

I'm going to sound like a broken record here (I'm sure I've said this before) but I can't help it: a major, essential way to have a healthy relationship is to communicate. I guess I just can't stress that enough.
It sounds basic and obvious, but the truth is, a lot of people go on the internet asking for advice from complete strangers about their relationship problems before addressing the problem with their significant other. Um, no. It takes two to make a relationship. It's going to take two people to solve a problem within the relationship, too. So talk about it, for goodness' sake. Talk to them. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want, or talk about what you're missing. And ask them what they're feeling, too.
Some people aren't the best at communicating, but if they don't make the effort, there's no way the relationship is going to be a happy, healthy one.

Assuming that first, basic (yet often absent) step has been mastered, there are a few other things, but I believe if both partners want to make it work and communicate well, the hardest bit is done.

Identify the real problems. She didn't put a book back on the right shelf? Probably not a priority. One party not feeling appreciated enough? Sex on a sudden decline? Okay, we need to talk about that, now, and you need to be honest about your feelings and work it out together. I'm not saying never argue. Arguments are to be expected in any relationship. But don't argue too violently over the little things. And when it comes to the big things, look at problem-solving from an "US" perspective, not a "YOU VS ME" one. And don't be afraid to apologize.

Don't get lazy. If we're talking long-term, some people slip into a sort of comfortable mode where they stop making an effort and pick up, well, habits. And being comfortable with each other is great. But every once in a while, it's nice to step out of your routine and do something different together, or for each other, just to remind each other how special you are. (Yes, this is sappy. Get over it.)

Now, this is coming from someone who actually has never been in a romantic relationship that was these three things all together: healthy, strong, and long-term -- so definitely take all this with a grain of salt.

ETA: Oh, and trust. How did I forget to mention trust?

 

Holy crap I could literally write a book (or three) on this subject. I'll try to keep this under a million words or so.

1) Allow both of you time to be yourselves.

Think about it both of you had a life before you met. If your SO (significant other) has a routine poker night with their friends don't push your way into the game. Let them enjoy some time away from you being the person they were before they met you. Yea, they will probably take time to vent about how you always do this or it makes them mad when you do that, but everyone needs some time to be themselves and vent a little. The flip side of this is take some time without them to go shopping with your old friends (or whatever you are into) and you will find yourself doing the same thing and feeling better in the long run.

2) Be willing to pay the price of admission.

If they absolutely don't help out around the house that is one thing, but suppose that they never put the bread away after making a sandwich. You have griped and complained yet they still do it. Finally you decide that putting the bread away yourself is easier than yelling so you start doing it. Well putting the bread away is just part of the price of admission into this relationship. Trust me there is something that you will do that annoys them equally like maybe you always leave the seat scooted forward so that they cannot get in the car. Constantly having to move the seat is their price of admission.

3)Don't just say I love you show it.

Maybe you hate superhero movies but your partner loves them. Show your SO that you love them by taking them to the new Spiderman movie.

4) Keep them sexually fulfilled. (could write a whole book here)

If you are entering an exclusive relationship you are talking on the role of keeping your partners sexually fulfilled. I'm not saying give it to them every time they ask. I'm not saying give it to them when your sick, their sick, when you really are exhausted, or when you are fighting. I'm not even saying that there won't be dry spells. I'm saying that people are generally sexual creatures and that you, by saying I want to be exclusive with you, have taken on a role to keep them reasonably satisfied (and they did with you too). One of the biggest problems that leads to unhappy relationships is "the sex stopped completely".

5) Keep believing the lie.

Wait...WTF?

Think about it. When you start dating someone you put on your nicest clothes, your new perfume, and your best manners. You are lying to the other person saying "this is me" when the reality is that it is a better version of you that you wish you could be. So when time passes and your SO shows up in a T-shirt, smelling like they have been outside for a couple hours (because they have) and farts in front of you, you have to believe that they really are the person in the nice clothes, the nice perfume, and with good manners that you started falling in love with. Keep telling yourself every day that they are THAT person and keep believing the lie.

I think this is enough for now or I really will be writing a book here.

 

Lots of space, and agreeing to disagree. Sexual compatibility. Honesty, gentleness, easy going personality.

 

I'm going to speak with the assumption of a male partner, since my experiences are with male partners. I assume that many of the ideas are applicable, regardless of gender, but I want to avoid speaking with pretenses of authority regarding women.

For starters, be yourself.

Don't try to change your partner. This doesn't mean you shouldn't ever demand anything from your partner, but who your partner is, at heart, will not change and should not change. If your partner makes some kind of sacrifice--such as giving up being a furry or giving up playing his guitar to relax his mind if it annoys you--then that person is still the same deep down. Even if he gives up something harmful like smoking or drinking, he still has the same genes that makes those things that help him relax and to unwind. The same person is still there. You haven't changed person. That's not what you did. That person has made a sacrifice for you, which is an important concept to remember.

Never take sacrifice for granted. When your partner gives up something that is meaningful to him, that's a big deal. It's hard to do. Don't think he's going to someday feel grateful toward you for forcing him to give up something that gives him pleasure. If you make him quit smoking, for instance, he's still going to feel miffed about it 20 years later. He's still going to have stressful days and realize that he could take part of that stress away by lighting up a smoke, and he will always remember that he gave it up for you. If it helps you remember, keep a list of all of the different ways that your partner has changed his life for you, and add to that list all of the opportunities that he has given up for you. Even if he stayed at home to be with you instead of going out to see a movie that he wanted to see but you didn't, put that on the list. If you always remember what your partner has given up just to be with you, then you will feel like a rock star every single day because that's what you are to someone who really loves you that much. Never take sacrifice for granted.

Make allowances, but have boundaries. Be clear on what those boundaries are. Know your limits. Some things you can change, and that change may be sustainable. Other things are just definitive of who you are. The reason is not to try to "stick to your guns" because that can be misguided, but the reason is that you know that some things are harder to tolerate than others. For instance, you might be a little uncomfortable with going out to party with other gay guys, but you can live with it, even though you'd feel awkward and nervous. Having a four-way? If that's going to make you run screaming, then he needs to know. Some guys don't believe in strict monogamy, and a few of them are deadset against it, as a matter of principle. He needs to be okay with things about you that are not things that it would be fair to ask you to negotiate over. That doesn't mean that you're obligated to "stick to your guns." It just means that, no matter how hard you may try, you're not going to ever feel comfortable with certain things. Be realistic.

Don't be afraid of quarrels. You just don't want to let them take over. Instead of running away from things you get into conflicts over, learn better ways to address the same feelings. Try learning a proper use of humor and learning what lines you just shouldn't cross, no matter how mad you are. "Honey, I just made a cat toy out of the hair I just pulled out of the drain, and look what color it is!" sounds a lot better than "Honey, we need to talk" followed by a screaming match. Don't just assume that a few quarrels means that a relationship is going badly. Just have empathy, learn to reach reconciliations, and don't make things more stressful than they have to be. A good rule is to make a point of, any time you've "kissed and made up," doing something fun and childish like having a water-pistol fight in the back yard or something. You've already been childish in a negative way, so you might as well try being childish in a way that makes you both smile, too. Life is bleak and miserable for some of us because we take it too seriously, and we take our petty disputes too seriously. That very seriousness is why many of us are unhappy, and that's because it's not truly being serious. Taking ourselves, rather than what we do, seriously is just another form of childishness.

Cuddle a lot. A WHOLE lot! My partner and I were snuggled up for hours every evening. He would continuously run his fingers through my hair for so long that it's a wonder I didn't go bald. I really think that physical contact is a really important thing, in a relationship. One tip from experience: if you are uncomfortable making physical contact with your partner during the night because you get a rash from your skin sticking together, we have this wonderful, new invention called "pajamas." I recommend 100% cotton.

If you get a cat, you clean the litter-pan. If your partner gets a cat, you clean the litter-pan. Don't ask why, just do it. Don't get mad: get even.

A good question, when your partner suggests cooking dinner, is "How many dishes does it use?" There are these wonderful things now called "one-skillet dinners." I recommend using them and making your partner use them. By the way, one really good way of getting even with your partner is to make a meal that manages to dirty every single dish in the house, and say, "I cooked, you wash." That's for the litter-pan.

If I go on any farther, I'll start narrating the entire relationship.

 

You + Me =
<3​

 

Though you've probably heard it a lot, communication is the key idea that keeps a relationship going. You need to communicate about everything with your partner, especially during fights. If you can get through a fight, talk about it, and be happy with your partner afterwards, it makes a relationship stronger.

Also, having shared ideas on what you want from the relationship. How much alone time? How much sex? How much physical contact, what's the farthest you can go with another person. You need to agree or compromise on these ideas to keep a relationship going, because these are all important parts of a relationship and it isn't going to work out if they can't be agreed upon.

It is natural for the first phase of the relationship to be all dreamy and romantic, and it sorta goes a bit different from there. Keeping up the romance, though not as often, is a good idea. Little things can go a long way, show your partner you care.

Most relationships do start with infatuation, and in that stage, your partner is perfect and the person of your dreams! Soon, you will realize they are a normal person like anyone else, and they have flaws. You have to see if you can accept these flaws, and live with them. They do too. Don't put up an act for your partner if you want a long term relationship, because you can't hide behind a mask forever.

Doing new things with your partner is always fun, and keeps the relationship interesting and spontaneous. Go on a trip, surprise them, have a lazy day. Again, the "honeymoon phase" gets over and you see what is real, but that shouldn't keep you from keeping it fun.

 

Trust and honesty. The two main foundations to any relationships, without either one of those there can be no relationship. Ensuring you give the other half time to their self, there is nothing worse than a clingy partner. Disagreeing...Sounds daft, but disagreeing is a very good thing in a relationship, or to put it another way, question things rather than merely going with it for the sake of it.
Do not let things get stale, whether sex or otherwise, always trying new things. And sharing is caring, share your life with them do not just spend it together.