I am completely shattered

I spoke too early :tantrum: happy days are over again.. Everything was going on smoothly but I don;t know what took her all of a sudden. Since 2 days, we are talking on and off (very few messages). She doesn't do v.call and she would have nothing special to tell me.
Today she woke up and told me she dreamt about me, her friend (according to her, her friend has came between me and her since before and that I met her friend behind her back) and her ex psycho. She said that after our break up I act as her ex psycho sometimes when I prevent her to go to tuition. I justified myself by saying that I was clearing things. She then told me *You commit mistakes. Then why you punish me by hurting me?* I think she has not believed me yet that I love her more than anything.

I called her and the way she sounds was like she is neutral whether I call her or not. I hanged up. I don't understand how things have changed all again.

 

We are meeting tomorrow and she said she will cook and bring something for me..

 

Sorry again i told her to talk to me. She asked if the other girls are not available. We fought and told me that we don't share any relationship and we broke up because of me. I'm not a liar and I love her loads. According to her, I flirted with ger friend and my girl friend also. She is not ready to believe anything I say. Even if I tear my heart for her, she won't believe me right now.

 

It is going to be long and I apologize for this..

We met today but we didn't have time to talk properly. She gave me the food and went to tuition. I told her that I would be waiting for but she got angry. I called her afterwards (she didn't miss-cal like she usually did). I told her to meet me again tomorrow to talk but she refused saying she have exams this week. I texted her that she is killing me but still I love her. She replied saying not to send this kind of messages.

When she came home, she thanked me for giving her the dress. She was not willing to chat with me but in a way or another, I forced her to open up and talk.

Me: Can we chat
She: I don't need you as a lover. Just be friend.
Me: We are already friends. Since 1 week, we were okay.
She: Really?
Me: Tell me everything from your point of view. Just everything truth.
She: There is nothing on my behalf.
Me: No, everything you feel. And why those dreams?
She: I don't feel anything. You are not what you seem.
She: You are two faced sided person. You are not faithful. That's for sure. Many things happened.
Me: Things like what?
She: Your girl friend, my friend. You are not truthful.
Me: I talked to your friend when we used to fight. She said I'm two faced because I know her only when I need you. I did chat with my girl friend but I didn't had any wrong intention.
She: No, you chat with my friend to forget all the stress I give you. I guess even some of your friends suggested you to chat with my friend. And concerning your girl friend, if your way to chat with her is nothing, even I can do the same. Anyways, wake me at 1 a.m.
Me: No, it is not nothing because it is wrong. Yes, your friend used to tell me what to do for you to be ok with me. Good night. I'll wake you up.

I lost everything and I am responsible for this. I feel lost and sad, crying almost of the time. I don't want to leave her. I made mistakes, she said a lot of mistakes. I want to make up for it. I really want. I am planning to meet her tomorrow without letting her know and give her a letter saying in it everything to make her feel what I feel. But as usual, we would fight all the time and she would not accept anything. I want to fight for this. Please, help me.:help:

 

I am finding it very hard to let her go. I want to do it but maybe I don't want to do it at the same time. Don't you think there are any other ways for her to realise or atleast believe me?

 

I will try my best to make it short today since I have no energy or hope left in me..

My relationship with my ex gf was almost on and off. My ex gf told me not to tell her friend anything. However, her friend texted me and invited me at her place. I had told her friend to help me to make my ex gf jealous. But my ex gf came to know about it. So I let go of that idea. I told my ex gf that her friend texted me. She told me to respond to her messages to know what was her real intention. In fact, her friend was saying different things compared to what she told my ex gf. I showed my ex gf her messages and she was feeling betrayed. My ex gf told me that she doesn't care and that I can date her *friend*.

Other days went the same way except that my ex gf was bringing up my past mistakes everyday and was blaming me. She would say that I will not be faithful even if she lives with me, there is no refill for trust, I was not expecting this from you, etc..

Yesterday night we had a big discussion and at that moment I was already depressed literally. She said that I messed up things, she has become lifeless as if etc. Then she block me on Facebook.

When I asked her for reason, she said she got a boyfriend. Then she said that it is a lie but she can't give me hope and asked me to promise her not to do foolish things. I asked her if she was okay. She replied the next morning saying that I don't care, that's why I have hurt her. We kept on fighting for almost 1 hour. I was too angry. She blocked me on whatsapp so that I don't replied her and went to tuition.

She called me after that (around 6 times) and messaged me asking where am I. I ignored it as I was too broken in a way. She called again in the afternoon. I replied her saying my location. I even messaged her all that I wanted to say.

She replied saying that she is sorry too and perhaps she didn't want to see beyond her thoughs and asked for forgiveness. She said she miss me too and that situation forced her to push me away as she feared to be hurt as it is not the first time she is going thro this. I asked her if she loves me but she said to keep that love away and be as before. Upon asking why, she said ''When you say I love you, it feels like you are playing. You have others in your life. You betrayed me.'' I told her that I have no one except her. She said she will always be my dear one.

It made me happy when she told me her thoughts but I guess the love is buried. In a fit of depression, I said to her that no one needs me (home issues), she said ''maybe I need you, that is why I am talking to you again''.

I kinda wrote everything her for you to have an idea, sorry for that :eusa_doh:

I am an impatient person and top of that, I fear of losing her when I have already do.

 

I really want to thank you.. Maybe your advices prevented me from worsening my situation.

I have cut off contact with both my girl friend and my ex' friend. And things are really better than before. We would talk, meet up, kiss etc.. I am planning to propose her again. Do you think it is too early?

I am 20 (21 this year) and she will be 18. I want to have a future with her. She says her father can't afford to pay her tertiary education abroad and if we stay here, we can't be together because of society. Can you give me some suggestions?