Hi everyone, This is a post about being in love with your best friend, someone who not only doesn't love you back, but is also not of your persuasion. I see a lot of similar posts on this thread, so I feel like this is pretty common, maybe esp. for those still coming to terms with their sexuality. Happily married to a man, but the older I get, the more and more my focus, thoughts, and interest is leaning towards women. One woman in particular right now, one of my best friends. She knows I'm bi, and I think if she's honest with herself, can sense my feelings for her. There's no need for me to have a big dramatic conversation with her- it's very clear that she's not interested in me, or in women generally. She's straight, and I don't see any room in there to bend my way (and truuuuust me, I've looked). I guess I'm just posting to share, as I know so many find themselves in this situation. It's so incredibly painful. I care for her so deeply, and being near her physically feels as natural as breathing in and out. Not being able to have that physical or deeper connection with her is so painful, I almost can't bear to see her sometimes. Last night she had me and a few other friends over for dinner. I got there early to help cook. She had a present for me, and wanted to surprise me. Poured me a glass of wine, and asked me to sit on the couch and close my eyes. If this sounds like the start of a lifetime movie about coming out, or the start to a sexy movie- you're thinking the same way I was! I knew it couldn't be true, but I just hoped maybe the surprise was she was going to kiss me. It wasn't, of course. But being in her space, in her home, seeing her get out of the shower and get ready while i was in the kitchen drinking wine & cooking (small apartment!). For her, it was a great time with her best friend. For me, it was a deeply painful evening, on so many levels. Not only is there the guilt of feeling like I'm somehow lying to my best friend and misrepresenting myself, there's the very deep shame and fear that she would be so offended and disgusted if she knew (intellectually, I don't think she would- but the bully inside of me tells myself that.) I don't see a way out of it, other than distancing myself from her. I have a therapist that I'm able to share with, and I have this forum. thank you for reading, and for letting me share. ~K.
Sorry you're going through this. I think it just takes time. I had feelings for my friend for a while, and then after two weeks of distancing I lost feelings and now we're closer friends than ever. Sometimes that's what needs to be done.
I hear you! I have feelings for my best friend (who lives far away) and she reciptocates, but we are both married and choosing not to cheat, so still need to be hands off.
bi2me: thank you for your post. That sounds so difficult!! I tell myself that, too. I mean, what if my friend did reciprocate? I love my husband, and while I would move mountains to have one night with my friend where we could be close and physical with not consequences (no hurt feelings, etc.)- I know that's never going to be possible. I'm lucky because my husband knows I'm bi, and he also knows I have a crush on my friend. He doesn't know the extent, but it does take a little of the pressure off that I don't feel I'm completely deceiving him. He's comfortable, because he knows nothing will happen. But, if she felt the same way, as your friend does, it would be complicated in a whole other way. Thank you for sharing- I really admire your strength!
I haven't totally shared the depth of my feelings. He knows that I love her as a best friend and that I have sexual feelings for her. I don't think he gets how similar I feel for both of them. I wrote about our history on my blog. Feel free to write on my wall too (once you hit 10 posts).
I have been there ten years ago. I mean exactly there. Except that I was not married. I was intensely in love with my colleague who was my close friend too. She liked me very much, but she was totally disinterested in any sort of physical and bodily connection while I was craving for the smallest touch. She was straight as an "arrow". Does this analogy make any sense? It was a straight arrow that would pass through my heart every single day for a year. The fact that she liked me and she enjoyed her time with me was a sweet poison on the head of the arrow. She believed that there was some special spiritual connection between us, something that was planned by the heaven. I would naively try to think the same. I would go to the temple with her and while she was doing her prayers (hoping that she would get the guy that she was in love with at the moment) I was fascinated by the smell of her hair perfused in the air of the temple. I was kind of a believer at the time so you can imagine the depth of the guilt I was feeling then. It was absolutely not possible to confide this to her. She had no idea what the term homosexuality might convey. Anyway, at some point I decided to leave. Not only my job but also my town. I did it for a variety of reasons but mostly because of her. For two years after I left her I was dying to find her online, to hear her voice saying hello, to see her hand typing my name. Any time that I had a trip to my town, she was the only person that I had a sure time booked in my calendar for. But you know, after the second year things started to change... and this happened because of no specific reason that I can recall. Just as they say: "time heals all wounds". It did work at least for me. At some point she got married to a guy that she loved. This was a news that could have killed me two years before it happened. But you know, it happened and I didn't even care about how the guy might look like. I was surprised by my own reaction! I still see her each time I go for a visit to my hometown. She likes me exactly the same, and also her husband respects me in a charming way. My sexual desire is totally gone. Actually this time that I met her I sniffed her hair to check if the smell can bring back any feelings, and I realized, oh my god, it just smells H&S shampoo However, the deep respect and care for her is still there, and the friendship is very fulfilling. So my prescription is easy! A few weeks to a few years of separation (depending on the intensity of the attachment) will do the job.
Sonetto, I truly wish it were that easy for me. We were best friends from age 12-18 (intimate from about 16-18) and then had almost no contact for about five years. We saw each other about twice over the next six years and then yearly for the six years after that. Then I saw her on a vacation to a friend's wedding reception and by the second day together all the old feelings came back. You can read more on my blog, but I don't see this just going away. It would be much simpler and better for everyone involved if they did.
Well here is what i'd suggest, bet your life on something. What i mean by this is dedicate your life into doing something that will make your life worth it. It can be a career, finding a love, or just getting better. You'll eventually find the pursuit of happiness by suceeding at this goal. Don't be afraid. You can make anything you want happen if you make your life dedicated to it. You'll be able to find the strength to be next to your friend again. Because this journey will most likely have a lot of troubles but this will give you a lot of strenth to make it to the end. No matter what don't give up because you've already made it too far. I hope this helps.
Tattoed Heart, I appreciate you taking the time to write into the forum, and welcome to EC! I hope you can share a bit of your journey and maybe explain your signature to us. Your post may have been directed to karinp, and if so, you can feel free to ignore my response. I have many things in my life that make it worth while, including my marriage and my kids. That doesn't change the feelings I have for my best friend, and while it would be easier and less complicated, I don't see loving her as a negative thing in my life. I realize above I said, "better for everyone," but I simply meant that my relationships are more complicated. Loving her is like loving my husband. It is a part of who I am right now. I have plenty of strength to be by her. We recently went on a vacation together with another friend and shared a bed platonically. I think karinp has demonstrated a great deal of courage and strength as well. She will have to decide whether to share her feelings with her friend or not. I shared mine out over the last year, and recently came to realize that she felt the same (or a similar) way. On the one hand, I wish I never had these feelings, but on the other, they've been with me on and off since I was about 16. I realized this summer and early fall that I was kind of dead inside when I wasn't recognizing the love I have for her. I feel like a more whole person even as I struggle to explain the feelings and to continue choosing not to cheat on my husband.
Thank you bi2me - I look forward to reading your history blog. ---------- Post added 15th Jun 2015 at 10:22 PM ---------- Sonetto- thank you so much for this thoughtful post, and for sharing your story with us. It was very helpful to read, and I could relate to so much of it (and yes, I understood what you meant by 'straight as an arrow'! ). so appreciate being able to share & knowing that others can relate. Thank you. ~K. ---------- Post added 15th Jun 2015 at 10:29 PM ---------- Tattoed Heart - thank you for your post. I think that for many, that will really resonate and be helpful. Bi2me - I have to agree with you. I have an enormously fulfilling career, and a very strong bond with my husband. My feelings for this woman are something that just take over me. I traveled recently for an extended period of time, and I had hoped things would change. But, being near her just a few hours and it was all back. I agree, choosing not to act on these feelings does take a tremendous amount of strength (and sharing a bed - my goodness! you're very strong indeed). These situations are so complicated, and personally for me they are made much more so by the immense amount of shame I feel (something I'm working through with a therapist). I do so appreciate this forum and the chance to share. It's so very valuable. Thanks everyone for all of the posts.
I understand what you're going through and I'm there right now. I hope that one day you can find a solution to this problem.
[/QUOTE] I understand what you're going through and I'm there right now. I hope that one day you can find a solution to this problem. [/QUOTE] Thank you, ScarletteWinter. I'm sorry you're going through this as well. Hopefully, someday we'll both feel better.
My strength ended seven and half years ago...I'm still married and in love with my husband but I did cheat on him with my then friend now I can call her my lover... I love her as much as I love my husband! I can't believe that is possible but it is happening to me!!! At the beginning I was curious and enjoyed our romantic relationship but now I can easily say I love her. It is very painful to see her and not have intimacy...we see each other twice a week or so...but as friend...and once every couple of months or so we behave as lovers. I'm ashamed of what I do as I know that my husband would be so hurt to find out what I am doing...but I know him and he would not have an open relationship. Gosh this is a hard way to live! Karinp...try to not get involved intimately! Bi2me...I don't know how you do it! Your self control is amazing!
I am afraid that we may wind up there eventually, and that's part of why I'm trying to start a conversation about the whole issue. Also hard is that her husband is even less likely than mine to think about an open relationship, and due to our get together with all of us once a year or so, it would be especially awkward if mine knows and hers doesn't. Generally I think it's a good thing we live far enough apart that we don't have to deny ourselves all the time. It's easier to behave as friends when you aren't together much.
I am in love with my best friend too. I have tried distancing myself from her and it is not working. She doesn't know how I feel and thinks that I am mostly straight. I am bi and married to a man. My husband is also bi and has no problem with me exploring with women/having a girlfriend. In fact he thinks it is kind of hot! My friend is also married to a man and has kids. She considers herself lesbian. Her husband is aware of this. He is very jealous, is an alcoholic, and doesn't accept the idea of his wife with another woman or man. She cheats on him with woman and men. Some of it he is aware of, some of it he is not. My friend has been going to counseling with her husband in order to get along better ( They fight like cats and dogs! ) He wants to stay married. She doesn't but only has a part time job and is unable to support herself financially. The issues I have are: 1. We have mutual friends. I can't completely avoid her. 2. I have an open marriage, she doesn't. I don't like the sneaking around thing. 3. Her husband and I used to be good friends but he gained a drinking problem and became a jerk. At a party we all were at he acted jealous because I was talking to his wife and he wanted to talk to her. He is difficult to put up with. I don't need this stress in my life. 4. She is trying to work things out with her hubby and having me around does not help their relationship I don't know what to do. I need to get over her but it is hard. Help!
