Is my Hubby closeted?

As for messaging people, you can message any staff member (greatwhale is one), but you cannot post any offsite contact details in public areas of the forum. This is for the protection of everyone, and it's one of the reasons that this site is generally free of the undesirable elements that you mentioned finding elsewhere on the Internet.

In order to private message other (non-staff) members (which is the only acceptable way to share offsite contact information with them, but we still recommend being careful if you choose to do that), you need to be a full member. This process requires an application and that you have been a member for 2 weeks and have 50 posts. These requirements are so that we can get a sense of who you are and that you're here for the right reasons.. There's about a 3-4 week wait on full member applications at current. Again, this process keeps the undesirable elements out of our (13+) site - they're not willing to go through those requirements to obtain full membership generally.

If you have any more questions about the rules, feel free to post in Ask The Staff and we'll get them answered for you!

As for your hubby, I think that confronting him has built up a wall around him and his behavior. The most telling thing for me in it was how he went to fill the propane tank and didn't take it with him. That's clearly indicative that he's looking for excuses to get out of the house without you around, and also the wanting to know when you're going to be gone and back is an indication that SOMETHING is happening. Whether that thing is sex with men or not is hard to say, but it well could be - there's nothing in your post that screams to me "this guy is totally straight".

One thing that I often suggest to people in order to create a safe space is to mention LGBT things - just casually bring it up in conversation. It's pride season, so you might want to see if your husband would want to join you at a local pride parade (they're a lot of fun, even for straight people!!!!) or something of that nature, or if something LGBT related comes up on the news or something just mention it - small things like that go a long way towards creating an environment where someone feels safe talking.

Best of luck to you!

 

Hi Thelma,

Great minds think alike. I noticed that you started a new thread with this question.

I wanted to share with you what I've gone through to help you understand what your husband may be going through.

I was raised in a family where my father worked 2 jobs to support the family. As a result, my mother did most of the child rearing. She is a nice person; however, she raised her children (2 sisters and me) with guilt and shame. We were taught to put the needs of others ahead of our own. She told me when I was in late junior high or high school how much of a chore sex with my father was. This created an environment where I felt shame for "straight" sex let alone "gay" sex. I focused on academics so that I could get away from this environment. You could say that I was a computer nerd. I did not date in high school. The only girl I thought was worthy of dating became an exchange student before I had a chance to pursue her

I learned early on that sex is shameful, and I was too ashamed to admit to myself that I was gay. It's taken me many years to unwind this damage. To be able to advocate my own needs and find the courage to say to the world I am gay and I deserve to be happy.

I remember back as far as 6th grade that certain boys were cute. I also remember looking at other boys in the showers to see who had public hair. I did not have any good gay role models growing up, and I did not associate this behavior with being gay at the time.

When I went to college, I wanted to reach out to the gay support group, but felt ashamed and embarrassed about the attraction that I felt to other boys. Would others disapprove of me if I were a faggot? This fear stopped me dead in my tracks. I had a few dates and 1 GF. Otherwise I was auto sexual.

Once I got out of college, I found the courage to go to a gay bar after a few drinks. I talked to a nice guy, but he had just broken up with another guy, so this did not work. The fear of AIDS also kept me on the straight and narrow path.

Eventually I met my future wife. Regular sex took my mind off my same-sex desires. I wanted so much to have a family and meet society's view of a successful. This was many years before gay marriage was an option. I eventually realized my goal of a straight life, wife, house, and a family.

As my wife approached menopause, our sex life waned. As a result, my same sex attractions re-emerged as something that needed to be dealt with. When I was 46, I had a mid-life crisis. I knew that I always found other guys attractive. This is when I began to explore my sexuality outside of my marriage since I did not want to divorce my wife without confirming my samesex attractions.

As I mentioned before, I exhibited many of the behaviors your husband does.

At 51 I decided to come out the closet because I am gay and can longer pretend to be straight.

HTH

 

I agree 100 percent with Skiff. You can get all the opinions and views from people on here, but quite frankly, I fail to see the point. If you truly have concerns, which you clearly do based on the discussion, then you need to go talk to him.

You have been together long enough, why procrastinate on a forum aimed at people whom are working through their own coming out when your not even sure if there is an issue to begin with in regard to your husband.

I am sure your being sincere by reaching out on EC, but it does seem to be a bit odd to me.

And, in reality, if you do believe he is bi, then you owe it to both him and yourself to open up and find a solution.

 

Hi Thelma,

You and I are Regular Members who can post to the forums. As a Regular Member, you should feel that you belong. Full Members have additional access as RainbowMan outlines.

I am in the process of coming out to my wife. I've received guidance that I find a therapist to help craft an appropriate message for my son.

I've had sexual encounters with other men. I'm different from most bi-married men in that I want to have an emotional connection with other men (most bi-married men just want to scratch the itch), so I've had ongoing friend with benefits relationships. Sounds like your husband is part of the scratch the itch set.

Guilt is a complicated issue for me. I felt that it was more important for me to find myself before coming out. There are others on EC who feel differently. There are no right answers here. I've considered my sexual encounters with men as a journey of acceptance, which for me has minimized the guilt. There have been times when I've felt guilty that she deserves to know the truth, and I'm working to address this.

It seems that your husband and I are in different places, so it's not clear how relevant my experience is for your situation.

I think it's great that you are doing your homework - you'll need to formulate a game plan and take action.

 

And what if the homework was never assigned to begin with?

And assume the homework was assigned, but the teacher did not assign it until later in the semester? By virtual the homework was done, don't you think the teacher would be perplexed as to how the homework got done to begin with?

What's needed is a discussion with her husband.

 

Apologies for the American colloquialism, but I'm glad that you had fun with it

Are you advocating that Thelma speaks to her husband without preparation and just wing it? Seems like dangerous advice. Having said that I agree that it's time for Thelma to start thinking about how she's going to start the conversation with her husband.

 

In order to get a filling for a cavity, one needs to go to a dentist, not a chiropractor. By trying to get advise on this forum. She is doing the same as someone going to a chiropractor for a tooth issue. Not trying to have fun, trying to be polite......

 

I find that sharing my story is therapeutic for me, and I hope that Thelma gains insights that can help her talk to her husband.

We both know that I have a lot on my plate for June, so I'm going to take this opportunity to bow out of this thread gracefully.

 

I suspect a professional marriage counsellor or therapist wiuld be appropriate advice to seek in this area.

Most of us do inveresly soeaking.

 

The thing is...

EC folks say "he's gay, he's straight, he's bi" and it is all rubbish. If the wife does not have an opinion, and she knows much more than us, only her husband has the truth.

If she can speak to him great, if she cannot speak to her husband there is professional help, far better suited than us, to advise her.

One scenario... We convince her he is gay, she confronts him and suicide results". Some here have contimplated it.

LGBT people coming here are LGBT and representing themselves. This third person "is he/she gay?" sort of feels like a HIPPA violation riddled with land mines and potential pitfalls.

Best advise... Seek professional advise and if hubby needs support in a coming out process EC is there to commiserate and offer support.

 

Thelma, you are absolutely welcome here, and I hope you are able to find peace and the answers you seek!

 

Hi Thelma,

I don't post here much anymore, but I just wanted to add my quick 2 cents.

My wife confronted me about it at a bar we frequent, as well as basically outed me to the kids, both at I time when I wasn't ready.

You surely have the right to know, but I would suggest not doing it publicly and try not to be too confrontational about it. My wife never once, even to this day asks how I am doing personally, just asks in relation to how it affects her.

 

Thelma,

Your asking people questions on this forum such as "do you feel guilty", but what it seems you want to be doing is asking your husband these questions. Only he can answer them for you.

And what you need to ask yourself is:

Am I prepared for the answers?
If he is bi, am I willing to accept it?
Am I independent enough to go on living my life as an individual if I need to?
Do I have some responsibility here given I suspect he is bi but I have not confronted him?
Since I suspect he is bi, shouldn't I just leave him now?
If I let this go on, am I being dishonest and, as a result, culpable as well?
If I love him, Should I just stay with him, even if he is bi?
If I stay with him, should I allow him to explore his sexuality? Will it make our life together more open and honest?

Whether someone on this form feels guilt or not (and I am sure, based on my experience, that many do) has absolutely no bearing on your situation with your husband. What you are seeking is to know, but no answers anyone gives on this site will address that. But what you need to be prepared for are the consequences. And if your posts here are in someway an avenue for your preparation, then I do believe there are more appropriate forums that can help you.