New to all of this so please bear with. I am 41, and only now really starting to be honest with myself. I am 3 years into a nasty divorce from a nasty emotionally abusive relationship. Two of these years I have been in therapy to deal with various issues with anxiety, ocd and depression and more recently issues I have with my sexuality. I guess the only good thing to come out of my marriage is my daughter who is 10. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and we are fairly close. I know she still wants me to get back with her dad, but that is not going to happen. I think she is ok with it now. She still has the odd wobble, but on the whole happy. Just recently I have approached the way I feel about other women to my therapist. With luck she is also gay, and has been through the same thing, so it has helped me open up more to her. I dont open up to people readily, and have some real trust issues going back a while!! I have also opened up to my best friend which went well. She has been super supportive, open and everything you could wish for in a best friend. I am fairly confident she is bi but moves more towards hetro. She said to me that fate has only given her guys, but she wouldnt be adversed to being with a woman if she was the right one for her. For me, I come from an ultra conservative family with a very homophobic sister and possibly my parents are too. Few months back I tentatively spoke to my sister about a celebrity coming out. Her response was she thinks its not right or normal and they only do it for publicity. So I high tailed it straight back into the closet as far as Narnia! There was a gay scene on TV once. My dad crossed his legs and concentrated on his magazine and mum said 'oh dear' in an odd uncomfortable warble. Growing up I always knew I was different. I didnt paw over the glossy magazines as my friends did. I was a bit of an odd ball I suppose. Got bullied because of it. I never really understood why guys didnt do it for me. I have had 2 main relationships with guys that ended in tears and both abusive in ways. I did sleep with a girl once. That relationship was short and sweet. In the end I called it off as my fear of 'being different' got the better of me and I went back to the guy which would end up being my husband for 10 years. With the benefit of hind sight, that was one of the worst decisons of my life. But I cant look back now, only forward. Just forward is proving very frightening! Joined here for words of wisdom and support. Thanks for reading if you get to the bottom of this! Apologies for the length and a garbled post. Got a lot in my head, and not all makes sense! (*hug*)
This sounds so much like me including the therapist being gay and two long term relationships with guys (I was married twice). Always kind of scratched my head about all the fuss about guys in school. What was the big deal? I came out when I was in my early twenties but went directly back into the closet and stayed in until I was 49. I've been out for more than two years and it is wonderful. It will all make sense eventually. Keep going forward. It gets less scary the longer you are living your true life. I think most everyone on here will agree. Good luck!
Hello and welcome! It sounds like you're going through a lot of self discovery and I'm sure more is to come. It's really great that you have a supportive friend and therapist.
Thanks for the replies. Definately a process of self discovery. I am finding stuff out about myself that I repressed for many years! Being on here does seem to make you feel less of an odd ball!
I camp out in Narnia at night and eat breakfast with the White Witch every morning. So I feel you about coming out being scary.
