I'm venting a bit here so bare with me. I talked to my ex GF yesterday. She found out that I'm being more public with my orientation than before, and made comments along the lines of being dissapointed that I'm choosing to give into my feelings and passions. She's torn up on how I can make such choices without regards for anyone else in my life (read: her). She is completely and unwaveringly against any form of acceptance or acknowledgement that homosexuality is in any way positive (or anything other than detestable). I tried being honest and spilling my heart about how her words hurt, how I can't go back to thoughts of suicide, how I don't feel comfortable around her anymore because of this, but we are clearly at an impasse. This makes me feel frustrated and sad as she is one of the few people in the world I feel close to. The fact that I can never truly open up to her about everything makes me wonder if I'll ever be able to with anyone. I can't handle her condemnation; how can I handle strangers? How can I handle family? If she can't accept me, how could my family? They are just as devout as she is; am I going to be disowned? A black name on the family tree? Is my dream of being able to share my life genuinely with the people closes to me just a pipe dream? I know they'll need time, but I'm convinced my ex will never change, and if she can't I have a tough time believing my family with the same religious values ever will. Am I really going to lose my support network over this. I know I'm not selfish. I know I'm not choosing to give in to feelings and passions. I know I am not intentionally hurting those around me, and it frustrates me to no end for people to think that just admitting who I am means I'm destroying lives. I don't know how you guys did it, especially those who got married or have incredibly religious backgrounds.
Calm down buddy! Coming out can be very stressful when we don't have supporting person on the first instance. Not doubt the views/conversation with your Ex would have negative impression on your mind but please relax your mind and be rest assured that every human being is not same. Homophobia is one of the worst disease born out of ignorance, but we have come a long way now. I am not sure about your country of living, so I cannot comment on overall perception of LGBT there but I do hope that there would be some of your friends who are open minded, who would understand and accept you. Don't consider view of anyone (even of EC) to assume any future outcomes. As they say, we suffer more in imagination than in reality. Who knows, may be your best open-minded friend could support and accept you (may be after some discussions). For me, I am from India - where social acceptance of LGBT is far from positive. The first person to whom I came out as questioning discarded homosexuality as "phase" or "mind problem" and something which can be treated with the help of doctors. It was one of the reason it took longer to accept myself. It was when I came out to some open minded friends, I could openly understand accept myself. TLDR: Don't consider views of one person esp. homophobic views. There will always be at least one person who loves you regardless of whatever. You will come out to world slowly and progressively. You know yourself the most so live your life truly, everything else will fall in place!
You need to get this woman out of your life, and move on to someone who will accept you just as you are. Her opinions are irrelevant; she is your EX girlfriend. On the other hand, your new boyfriend will accept you and support you. Your job is to find him and move on. If you eventually tell your family, and they will not accept reality, the two of you can make a new family of choice together, but they probably will accept you once they realize that you are more important than their imaginary beliefs. Meanwhile, don't overthink this situation; most fear is only in your head, not in reality; the truth is rarely as dire as you imagine it might be.
way I see it she overreacting making it all about her feelings & not yours . you have been honest with her she needs to respect that .As for your family am sure they would be a hell of allot more supportive towards you .Dont let her negativity spoil things for you.
First, finish dumping your ex. You are letting her control you, and you are only doing it to yourself. It is a way that you are continuing to cling to her. The only way that you can salvage what is left of any possible friendship between you and her is to make sure that she understands that she is not going to get you back, somehow. You're not going to stop being gay. She is not going to turn you into a picture in a photo album and the fulfillment of some juvenile fantasy. If you intend to act as a friend to her, then get her to move on. She has a long life left to live, and it will be a much happier one if she does not waste anymore of it believing that she can somehow change you. If you have any feeling left for this woman, then let her go.
As far as the moral status of homosexuality, being gay is a tragedy, and coming out of the closet is a miracle. Being gay is a tragedy because it almost always means having to live part of your life in secrecy and being forced to tell lies, even to yourself. It means spending part of your life being ashamed of who you are, even under the best of circumstances. It also sometimes means getting entangled in relationships with the opposite sex with the false belief that somehow you can make it go away. Being gay, by itself, is difficult, even under the rosiest and most optimistic of circumstances. It is a nightmare. Coming out is a miracle because it's your second chance at a vaguely "normal" life or, at the very least, one in which you can live with a sense of dignity and purpose. It means possibly having a partner whom you can satisfy and who can satisfy you. It means finding out who your real friends are, which are those who would really stick up for you when you were unpopular or when you were in trouble. It means honesty and authenticity. It sometimes means finding out that some members of your family--although perhaps not all--really are your true family, and you are really loved and not just some ornament there to suit their ego. To be able to live with that kind of honesty, embracing truth, is to be a living miracle. So yeah, being gay, by itself, sucks. Being able to come out, though, is a wonderful thing. Truth is a wonderful thing. Integrity is a wonderful thing. Some people view it as being just about getting some bum-sex. Hah. I can go on Craigslist right now, and I could have a half-dozen men in one afternoon without ever exchanging names, my friend. You don't have to commit to living authentically to have some bum-sex, and it's so easy that it really does make you feel dirty. Believe it or not, but it actually makes you more attractive, to those kinds of people, if you are in the closet because that helps other men continue living the lie. It's very easy to have gay sex without coming out. Again, coming out is a miracle. It is a miracle because honesty is a miracle. Honesty makes you clean. If there is something that people might judge or condemn you for, then to be out, in any way, is to stand up and either accept or reject it, like an honest and moral man. It is the knowledge that you have been held accountable and that you have stood up like a proud person, with dignity and integrity. It is the knowledge that you have done your duty. Yes, it is terrifying, and yes, it takes courage. Once you have faced it, though, you are free. If your parents had any damn sense, they'd be proud of you. Not for being gay but for being clean.
I don't think she really wants me back romantically, but she 100% does not believe that I am gay or that sexuality is immutable. Because of this, she sees all my actions to live authentically as me choosing to live that "lifestyle" and deliberately go against God's word, because anyone who truly believes the word of God knows that this is wrong. (This is an Informal Fallacy, No True Scotsman Fallacy, Moving the Goalposts). After our talks I'm convinced her convictions will never change, not even for her benefit. She refuses to even consider that anything other than what she knows to be true is worth discussion. I have family members who seem just as steadfast when it comes to their beliefs which makes talking about anything actually meaningful in my life very difficult. I think that's where my fear is coming from, that others will respond like she has. I think you're right that I'll have to work harder at not making her apart of my life anymore...
Well, in addition to being a NTS fallacy, this has been the cause of very juvenile behavior, by religious people. Many people who were loyal to the Church of Rome believed that Jan Hus, who was essentially a peaceful man, deserved being burned at stake, simply because they didn't believe that he was a "true Christian." Jan Hus was one of the earliest reformers, and he is now remembered a martyr by many, even by many of those who don't observe Hussite beliefs. The whole idea that those who don't believe in your own doctrines are bad guys or "not the real thing," just because they don't follow the same doctrines, has been a large part of the reason that Christianity has largely sucked throughout most of its history, not because of its core teachings but because of the filthy politics of orthodoxy. It was orthodoxy that eventually drove the intellectual life out of Byzantium. A lot of people don't know this because Byzantium remained an intellectual center for a while after the decline of the Western empire, but what happened during the clash between Byzantium and Persia was that, in an attempt to unite people under one monolithic belief system, what the Byzantines actually did was estrange many Christian minorities as well as many freethinkers, leading to the intellectual life in the Byzantine Empire fleeing to other lands, including to Persia, taking many centuries of knowledge with them. Byzantium slowly collapsed in their wake, and unsurprisingly, the Muslims went through a golden age. They had not developed such an orthodox mindset, at that point in their history. While the Muslims were having their golden age, we were going through centuries of war, horrible politics, brutal schisms, and dysfunction that you don't even want to think about, and it was all because of people not being willing to comprehend that people are not bad just because they think differently. Bo Burnham explained it very well: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zxc20saM8DA The things that most people do to try to prove their worthiness of going to Heaven usually include behaving like freaking morons. If I were a deity, I would stick my fat nose out of a tiny window in the gates and say, in a phony, nasal voice, "Sorry, but we're closed. Go somewhere else." But seriously, letting your girlfriend's opinion of your sexuality influence you, in this way, is a way that YOU are clinging to her. If she were a friend, you might disagree with her, and you might even feel concerned. You might try to reason with her, but even if she never came around to your way of thinking on a certain topic, she would still be your friend. To finish letting go, try to think more like a friend toward her, and try to see that, in spite of her misguided beliefs, she is a decent person. A great thing about friendship is that it can be really a lot stronger, in the end, than love. As far as your family, if my relationship with my folks can survive some of the bitterness that we've been through, between each other, then you will eventually get things between you and your parents to work out. Just be patient, and be persistent.
