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3 year after crush, another 3 months of struggle for just.... a friend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by edmndinwind, May 28, 2015.

  1. edmndinwind

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    Hello everyone. I know I maybe a bit, you'know unfamiliar because I'm from the conservative country and even though I have friends in the LGBT who gave me a lot advice but I am not convinced and it keep confusing me so much. So I would like to write my situation as detailed as possible.

    I was unable to be attracted to anything female, and I have fetish on men at the age of 13. So I am pretty sure I am in that "orientation" and hardly to be changed.

    Everything just started when I entered University for junior year. At that time I didn't come out to anyone yet, I did found some net guys other than classmates to see if they're okay to have a relationship but I failed, and I truly learnt a lesson that I shouldn't put any effort on a target who is "interested in your relationship with a girl" or "interested in any types of female".

    It was 2012, three year ago. I met a boy when I was going to take a lift to the lecture hall for lessons. He was a very clever and well-behaved guy but judging his own appearance: T-shirt, jeans and with black sport shoes. Every time I met him, he was always put on his iPhone headphone and sometimes whistling. That time I just thought: well, he's good and he's maybe my type, but I'd better assume that he's just another straight guy and I don't think I gonna see him again after I graduate. Yet, sometimes I thought I had already "man-crushed" on him.

    In 2013, I founded an orchestral group apart from schoolwork and gathered players to do orchestral music projects. Another classmate of mine hold an event and gather different artists to play some music randomly. I participated, but I have never thought than HE, was there too. I was puzzled whether I should interact with him. I calmed myself for a while and started to ask him why he was there.

    Then I know he knows my friend, that's why he was there. and he told me he plays violin and plays something related to my orchestral group. We both like the same genre of animation and we somehow talked about movies, which is his "spiritual food". He sometimes mentioned about homosexuality in films whenever I talked about films he watched, and he keep explaining why it was happening.

    One night we'd even chat on the phone for 5 hours.... and he admit he's a boy that is slow in understanding people's feelings and passive in interacting in a social party like with classmates or in public, etc. I'd even asked him let me join his badminton training as that was his private training that he don't really tell others.

    So that's how I established a "classmate" relationship with him. We worked together, he sometimes conducts the group as well. and he said to me once : He was "happy" to be in the group other than any group he had been before. We go through many many projects and shows, things are going well so far. and he knows my character: emotional, low-self-esteem, lack of sense of comfort and safe.... and he, comforted me three to four times about what I was frustrating about: problems with projects, relationship with players whatever. He did put his arm way over my another side of my shoulder to cheered my up, it was warm and touching. But I thought he was doing his job as a normal friend so I was just "appreciated" him.

    Until the last semester of my university we are lessons together, I thought I can have the same feeling to him as a normal friend. But things changed, when he just glaze on me what I ask him questions, the way he looks was.... attractive to me. and I can't stop looking all parts of him, even my fetish was awakened again. I thought that my crush in 2012 was not a dream. So I keep approaching to him, joining him working school projects together, stay only 2 together in a lab, enjoying dinner for only both of us.... all these stuffs were just to let me look at him and... relieve on my "overwhelming sex drive" by taking photos of him.

    But things didn't go so well, I found myself intentionally brought discussion topics to him during he was working on his own projects. I somehow felt that we both were in awkwardness and don't know each others intention.

    One night before my graduation performance I asked him to join me for some talk,
    I said I may being unstable after the performance (unstable is because I want him so much and I can't hold back) can you help me to calm other friends down if they are doing something strange? He declined my request by the reason he is not good at it. I explained my reason to him on "I really miss him as we are going to be gradated and part our own ways"

    He, unusually said to me : "well if you wanna say something like this, then I better put it straight right now."

    Him: "Do you know other than my projects, assignments, graduations and job. What thing that I am spent the most in my life?"

    I: "Isn't that your own hobbies or music whatever?"

    Him: "It's on you. I spent most of my time on you, you know? and you keep asking and asking me to be comforting you and... being good to you. If you keep pushing me then, I would be more denial to anything you want? Can you just stop pushing me?"

    I: "Then? No matter how long you've spent but your attitude didn't changed. That's why you got NO close friends. You know what I mean? I tried to be good to you and you split something like this to your close friend?"

    Him: "I don't think my way to communicating with friends got problems, even my close friends like primary schoolmates or secondary, I also treat them as same as you. so if you keep asking, I'll just become more and more refused to your words OK?"

    I: "Right, then I apologize for everything I've overdone, is that ok for you?"

    Him: (Thought for a 2 sec) "OK.... I accept your apology, shall we have dinner as other people are waiting for us"


    That was the first event I found it very unusual from him. I thought: He always don't talk anything about female (he said he don't know and don't know how to talk anything about women), just about work, job and anime. Doesn't mean he cannot be straight. But after this conversation I wonder : If he knows my intention, why didn't he just say "I am not that kind of guy" or whatever to stand himself as a straight boy?

    One month later, we got another performance. The performance was great that everyone felt good to it. I asked him to join me again, we talked about the performance, then I straightly jumped to the "business"

    I: "You know, have you ever thought that we may can't be friends anymore?"

    Him: "why would you say that?"

    I: "Because I found I have difficulty talking to you, especially in 1 on 1 conversations. and the way you behave, treating everyone as equal, created distrust between you and me. Even though we had quarrels and you said you trust me a lot, but you don't seemed doing anything out to let me trust you."

    Him: "I think you're drilling dead-ends to yourself. Things aren't go in that way but you have already bounded yourself, in everything no matter friendship or work or jobs."

    I: "Then? I just want to tell you I have problems on how I treated you lately and I want to know if you are uncomfortable or not."

    Then he kept talking about my shortcomings and blah blah blah....

    I: "when we two are together in the room, I saw you're quite happy to throw discussion with me, was that your true "self"?"

    Him: "Well..... I just being normal, I won't say it is true of not"

    I: "Fine, I just want you know. Your existence is..... to me, I should control myself, really, for not bringing anymore trouble and scare people like you off from me."

    Another lecture on my shortcomings and blah blah blah again.... we switched places to a bus stop.

    I: "So, throughout these 5 months, do you feel uncomfortable that I changed to attitude about you?"

    Him : "I know there's changes, but other than that, take care of yourself would be the best for you"

    I: "You know what, I am really want to tell you something before you go. Is being attracted to men, really that terrible to you?"

    Him: "Just, don't be so long-winded"

    I: "I..... I just make a compliment to you that you're looking...great to me"

    Him: "NO, stop being long-winded, please"

    I: "I.... don't understand I just....saying you're the beautiful men that I've ever met, was there anything misunderstanding?" (I know I was being a jerk for not taking his word very well.)

    Him: "Still very long-winded, hey..."

    I couldn't control myself and I suddenly jumped into him and hugged him.
    He didn't refused, his face looked calm and he didn't hit my back as brothers hug would do, instead : He tapped on my shoulders with all his fingers just like caring a child.
    That moment created more and more confusion to me.

    I thought I didn't officially confessed to him, but I failed to make my feeling implicit. Instead, both explicit and implicit ways come together. So now I think he knows my feelings to him and my orientation.

    He tried to get off from the hug.

    I : "why are you stepping back?"
    Him: "that's enough, that's enough, start getting uncomfortable"
    I : "why? you didn't deny anything about being "intimate", and I guess you know "what I want to do", right?"
    Him : "I know what you mean about "this thing" and I accept "this thing", but it doesn't mean that you can keep entering to my private space."

    I : "so you actually want to set a line between you and me? So this is the line, I can't step over and cannot even being close to you?"

    Him : "if you really want to me to set a line, I can set over 200 lines... I can even be the most "conservative" guy that the line can be very firm, so?"

    Him : "just, easy. and you don't need to be so frustrated about this, focus on your own work first, ok?"

    All right, that's the end of the situation so....

    1) I made a mistake of confessing to him, was he actually denying, accept but ignore it, or truly accepted me as being in a close relationship (or open relationship) with him? Since he claimed that we're not "bromance", we aren't even being "intimate"

    2) Does the dialogue mentioned above got clues that "He was struggling about his orientation?" Most friends of mine saying I should give him time instead of pushing or questioning him.

    3) As my friend suggested that he may not want to be have a label about this issue such as "boyfriend", "gay" or "brothers". If he is really struggling on his orientation, What should I do in order to let him feel comfortable about being close with male is not a problem?

    I was struggled on this for already a whole month that emotional pain keeps building inside myself and affects my daily work. I just hope if there's people have patience to look at this situation and say something about this. I would be appreciated. Thanks.
     
    #1 edmndinwind, May 28, 2015
    Last edited: May 28, 2015
  2. arken1

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    I'd say don't be brute-force about something like this. For some of us, accepting ourselves is very very hard, especially when we are very introverted and have a hard time expressing ourselves, anyway. When I was around that age, I was very far back inside the closet, and would have RAN from a guy hugging on me from embarrassment, at least. Be honest, but subtle. Tell him you're gay and attracted to him, but you're okay being his friend. Be there to help him find himself, but you need to be okay with the fact that he may not like you back. A friend is something very different than a crush.
     
  3. edmndinwind

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    Every friend suggested that he's already know that I am feeling in that way to him even if I didn't say those words "I am gay..." or whatever. and his concrete response was issuing a "no-objection" acknowledgement to me. Some said, in an optimistic way: He is 'interested' in you, but whether 'liking' you or not is still a mystery.

    I took a very long time in reading various cases posted in this forum and learnt that never "guess" his feelings towards me and need to ask him directly. I think I've already did by saying I have feelings for him and he just felt I am getting things clumsy.

    just.... I wish I want to know whether his answers means:

    "I know how hard that you come out to me, just.... give me some time and focus yourself first" or

    "I understand, but I am not into that kind of relationship for the moment" or

    "I also like you.... and I worried about you but I think I have problems too." or

    He just don't know how to reject me?

    and the "help him out" thing, I still don't have any idea how to do it. I remember I asked him that when will be the best condition to talk about sexuality stuff? He said "if two people talk about it in a very private I think it's still OK". At that time I think he's scared. He scared of putting this things on the table even to me. What will be the best condition to let him say more about himself? Using another homosexual movies to lure him talking about himself I guess?

    and I am worried that he's lying to me, everything. although his friends told me he's not that bad, he's kind and generous as you do, and just being emotional as you do, he's emotional that if he don't know that thing or don't know how to solve he just stop thinking and say anything. This creates more confusion to me that whether things happened and his words during I hugged him was totally fake?

    Being nice and stay as usual with him is one of the most answers from all my friends. I brought a souvenir just after I come back from travelling, something from one of his favorite musical he enjoyed at his childhood. Whether it is the way of being "nice" or not, I totally have no idea. Maybe he would just think it is a offering from just a 'friend', not a 'closed ones'?

    I know I am worried too much. "Be myself to make him attracted to me".... I think it's good but now I am kinda want him so much that I can't focus and follow this track.
     
  4. edmndinwind

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    for people experiencing TL;DR situation:

    1. Man-crushed my classmate 3 years ago, assuming he is straight
    2. Met and working together as classmates and musicians, I start to doubt he isn't straight anymore in many ways.
    3. I pissed them and he replied me in a very strange way rather than define himself as "straight"

    4. I tried to come out to him, he thought he understood my intention, but I misread his words and hugged him, he didn't refused but acted in a more subtle and intimate way, tapped my shoulder like caring a child.

    5. Questions: Why don't he just say he's straight to scare me off? Does he have feelings for me but still struggling a lot and I didn't noticed? or still just 'friendship' ?
     
  5. arken1

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    Could be either, but just know that you can't rush these things. I have discovered this myself on my new voyage into seeking a relationship. Since you only just now opened up about your feelings, you can't really count the 3 years as time for him to have sorted that out. You can count the 3 years as getting to know someone, and developing feelings, but you can't just expect the other person to have developed those same feelings. Especially if he's like me, and struggled with being a homosexual his whole life.