open discussion

I think the security on EC is based on some very realistic fears, and I appreciate it. I've known people here who ended up with stalker issues, and that's even WITH the security that's in place. Coming out can be complicated enough without having to worry about being "outed" before you're ready.

One thing that might be useful for those at a Full Member level is something I've seen on a Facebook group I'm on - it's a map that you can zoom into that lists who's in the area. I could see this being a helpful tool for those at a Full Member level who choose to participate. Being able to zoom in on, say, the Milwaukee area and see who is a full member and would be open to contacting others in the area might be a nice feature.

I also think the notion of some kind of regular AA-like group ("Closets Anonymous", maybe?) might offer good opportunities to meet, although I don't see why EC would have to be the one to initiate that. After all, AA started out with one person. My partner and I go to 2 local affiliated church-based support groups, and they're quite different and both useful. One is a quiet group consisting of mostly older people with gay adult family members, and the other has a variety of people, gay and straight, including a recently married lesbian couple, guys of varying ages and "out" status, several gay couples including us, and also an unusual couple with an age spread of 30 years, but who are as devoted to each other as any couple I've ever seen. We've made friends and have had social opportunities as a result, although to be hones, we're both pretty introverted and much prefer a few close friends to an army of acquaintances.

Facebook groups can be fun too, and there are a lot more than you might think. They can be tricky. One gay dads group turned into a scoping ground for you guys interested in "daddies", and one tends to creep into the territory of "soccer moms with penises", sort of an upscale Lake Woebegon where all the men are hot, all the women are invisible, and all the children are way smarter than your honor student. Still, we've gotten some local social activity out of it. Another group split off of that (the guys who got tired of the bragging!), and another group fizzled due to issues of personality and general lack of respect for others. But they're out there if you look for them.

I think we have to remember that it's one thing to be lonely and afraid because of coming out, and a completely different one if you're just lonely and have issues with social interaction. Being gay doesn't automatically make you disenfranchised and left out. Yes, I know there's homophobia and prejudice and hate. There's also acceptance and friendliness. You can find either, depending on what you're looking for and what you expect to find. If you brand everyone as messed up and self-centered, you'll unconsciously seek out those who fulfill that image. I've met a lot of gay people who are anything but self-centered, and as far as damage goes, well show me someone, gay or straight, who isn't. Sometimes the tree that's gnarled and twisted from the wind or struggling for light is the one that's the most interesting to ponder.

Part of my journey was realizing that yes, being gay and in the closet prevented me from making some connections, but the truth is that I'm not a very social person, and I was making myself miserable by comparing myself to people who were. I used my closet status to explain away my lack of friendships and social skills, when the reality was closer to that my lack of social skills was part of why I went into the closet in the first place. I definitely had a few personality traits that made me seem distant or hard to get along with, and I had to recognize them and make a few changes to how I projected myself. Self-improvement goes a long way to making connections.

Way too long here....but the gist of what I'm saying is, we can't expect EC to create our social life, and we can't bemoan the lack of an EC group when there are others we CAN be part of. We have to take responsibility, make changes where they're needed, open ourselves up to possibilities, and yes, start trusting people a little more. There's a lot of good, fun, interesting, pleasant people out there, but they're not going to come to us. We have to be in charge.

 

Skiff,

Here is a thought for you - have you considered starting your own meet up group in the area? Advertise for a later in life LGBT social event. With so many here with a common interest, might be a good way to connect with others whom have similar interest in your area. No need to wait and see if others start one, be proactive yourself.

It might take a while to get traction. But where EC is a great place to confidentially share our respective experiences, nothing should stop you, or any of us for that matter, from doing the same outside of EC. So, the time to develop a following in your area may be worth the effort.

I recognise, at least where I am, there are numerous ways to interact with others, and I even belong to a monthly social LGBT dinner group here in London. But as I have looked for ways to connect myself locally, while I found there are various support groups in my area, social and dating clubs of different sorts, sport leagues, and the likes. I actually can not think I have come across a socially oriented group specifically aimed at later in life (the dinner club is probably the closest).

Skiff, food for thought......

 

The difference in full and regular membership is negligible. Full members only gain access to PMing other full members, commenting on photos and blogs, and access to the chat room. Otherwise, they're the exact same as regular members. All regular members can aspire to become full members, and unless they're sketchy, they're basically guaranteed to become full members, too. The only hierarchy that really exists is between members and staff, but that's necessary for the continuation and facilitation of this site.

EC's sought to avoid any further distinctions/divisions between members while balancing a need for security and the freedom for members to be able to talk offsite once established as trustworthy. It's done a pretty good job at that, in my opinion.

Ideally EC would be able to help you out in this regard, but it's unfeasible, as has been said, at the moment. Trying your hand at meeting others, and trying again, and again, is your best bet. I'm sure you can do it.

 

Skiff, I think you have identified one aspect of your problem: you are not living in a "target rich environment". While you might be able to bring some people out of hiding within your local area, there is a reason why they are hiding, at least in their own minds. It would not hurt for you to try and establish an organization, such as a dinner club meeting where anyone interested can just show up and meet people. We have something like that here, which has been going on long enough that most of the people who come ARE "later in life". An easier approach (for some definitions of 'easy') would be to move to where more gay men live, and there are more places they get together naturally. You already know this; maybe think about how you could do it, instead of how expensive it would be.

 

Interesting discussion. I think the anonymity, privacy and confidentiality of EC is its strength - any blurring of the lines into more social, participatory forum may scare people who are in the very early stages of coming out.
However when I have posted replies to threads in the past i have wanted to be able to mention actual organisations, support groups, social groups in my own area/country and not sure how much I can - in case I could be identified as I am a member of some of them?? I don't think thats a problem but the big yellow STOP AND READ THIS banner always makes me nervous! Would it be possible to have a separate page on website where links could be posted to social, support events/organisations set out region by region could be posted anonymously and then those who are ready for next stage can be directed to them? I know there is a resources and links page already but could that be enhanced. There is no point EC re-inventing the wheel after all when lots of amazing organisations out there (like The Quest in the UK) who are set up to help with this next phase?

 

I don't think EC needs to run something. There are already other ways to meet lgbti people, meetup.com, Marci gras/ lgbti events run I know Australia has Midsummer and also Mardi Gras and LGBTI films week or month. EC caters to support not online dating. If you want to meet LGBTI people go to an LGBTI event that already operates, if you don't want to go alone make a friends that lives in your area here and private message them to see if they want to go with you. The EC staff don't get paid for supporting us and already spend a fair bit of time I imagine in moderating the forums, let alone trying to organise an event, events are costly to run and take a lot of time to organise. Organising an event would take time away from the staff moderating this site and I'd rather not see haters get away with join. Thats my thoughts.

 

Hi

---------- Post added 31st May 2015 at 08:50 AM ----------

No I

 

Interesting discussion. There may well be a need for a phase II group, meeting in the real world, but it is hard to see how EC can create it given (a) how spread out we are geographically and (ii) the need for confidentiality. It seems that what is proposed/suggested goes beyond what EC can be, without compromising the usefulness of EC.

Establishing something else would be good - though how to stop it becoming a middle aged gay lonely hearts group I'm not sure. The idea of people who happen to live in the same part of the world communicating by PM and agreeing to meet in a pub one evening, and taking it from there, is probably the best one.

 

I mean confidentiality on EC. People who are not 'phase II' need to feel secure, and certainly no pressure to 'advance' to phase II, or that it will be some test of them really being gay or something.

Also some people are 'Phase II-' They may be generally out, but still have some people or areas of their lives where discretion is necessary. Meeting friends in a bar is one thing. A public forum where the world (and your boss/ children/whatever) can see is another.