Coming out:how to tell wife

Hi, welcome to EC. First let me say congratulations on deciding to take the step. I waited until things deteriorated and compounded the hurt. Ask yourself how well you know your wife. Then put yourself in her shoes - how well does she know you? And love you? It may 'rock her world', as you say, and her belief in herself and everything she holds dear so it will take time for her to understand on an emotional level and on an intellect level. You are beginning a lengthy process that will work if you are open and honest.
Best wishes

 

For many women, adjusting to the fact that their husband is attracted to men has a long learning curve. You've been married for 22 years and you're only now reaching this point. Your wife probably won't take the same amount of time to adjust, but her emotions, especially at first, are likely to bounce all over the place. I'd suggest that you set your expectations accordingly. She will have an initial reaction but that's only the first of many. Accepting a bi or gay husband is a process, not an event.

One question your wife will have is, "Why now?" She will want to know if you have already made decisions about your future and your marriage together. Whether have or not, you should be very clear about your thoughts. What you say about the future will guide her thinking, perhaps more than anything else.

One of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard is to work with a knowledgeable couple's therapist before coming out. A great many wives are unwilling to seek support post-disclosure and this can be very damaging for them in the long-run. If the wife is already seeing a couple's therapist she is much more likely to continue and therefore much more likely to heal faster and more completely.

Another thing that's important to know is that what angers most wives are lies and cheating. An ideal coming out is one where you can honestly say you've never cheated AND that you're coming out to her very soon after coming out to yourself.

Finally - and this may not apply to your marriage - it is often the case that marital sex is sporadic, robotic or nonexistent prior to coming out. Wives in that situation very much tend to blame themselves. They're too fat, not sexy, not worthy of their husband's attention, etc. They can beat themselves up about this for many, many years. Then, when they learn their husband is attracted to men, they get very angry. Why? Because they're pissed off that they've been miserable and self-hating to the point where they have no self-esteem left. When they realize the truth, their years of self-angst suddenly shift from their shoulders to their husband's, and the consequences of that pent-up hurt can be very, very ugly.

To avoid this scenario, I suggest coming out backwards. By that I mean, instead of dropping a bomb and saying (in essence), "I'm attracted to men and not to you," you begin the coming out conversation by talking about the lack of intimacy in the marriage. "I've been thinking about this for a while, and I've recently realized that our sex life isn't what it should be BECAUSE OF ME. It's taken me a long time to accept this, but I now understand that I don't have the natural, inherent capacity to create satisfying sexual intimacy for both of us. I probably can't imagine how much that has affected you, but I want you to know that I'm now aware of it and I'm sorry for my weakness."

By beginning with empathy for your wife, she will almost certainly mirror that same reaction to you once she understands what you're trying to say. The cooperative tone you set creates a precedence that is almost certain to carry through as your conversations develop. Most men drop a bomb and wait for their wife to react - largely because they're so panicked already. But doing so puts a huge burden on the wife, and in many ways, encourages her to react negatively. No one likes having a load of shit dumped on them. A better alternative is to acknowledge your role in creating the shit, honestly apologize for it, and then ask how you can work together to develop a mutually-satisfying plan to clean it up.

 

This is beautiful.

 

I am certainly no expert, but I am fresh out of the gate as I came out 4 weeks ago last Sunday to my wife of 23 years - same setup - two kids (15 and 19) girls, one at university. How it happens is different for everyone and I think that all the planning and rehearsal you do in the mirror before the conversation does help - because you need to get your thoughts around what you are about to do -- but when you actually do it the way you planned it and how it happens may be different. It was for me.
I actually framed my conversation around a message that we had been hearing for a few weeks at church - about internal conflicts that cause external consequences - shame, lies, and trust issues. Coming out hits on all three of these areas. So I started the conversation around this topic - and then dropped the bomb about something about me that brings me great shame and well - "I am gay". HOLY SH*T!
The reaction will be different for every wife - my wife was literally in shock for like 3 minutes (felt like an hour) she just sat and said nothing while she stared at me and I blabbered about who knows what ...
I would say that you need to have a plan in place in case she tells you to get out. I had spoken to a friend who is gay and he told me I could stay at his place - I had a key, gate code, etc. I had my work backpack ready to go, $50 in cash and that's all. Luckily, she didn't kick me out.
I would say you need to have the conversation when you have at least 3 hours of uninterrupted time. My youngest was at a study group for 4 hours. Also be prepared to put on a happy face when the kids get home - my daughter walked into the house and within 5 minutes knew something was up - looked at my wife and asked ' what is wrong Mom?' I was standing there and changed the subject - you got to be ready to cover up until you are ready to tell the kids.
The first week was a brute. I can't tell you how many times we cried- how silent we were, how much we hugged, talked about life, what happens next, WHY I waited so long, etc. It was gut wrenching... and although I haven't cried in 2 weeks, I broke down tonight walking the dogs. My point is - be prepared for the mental drain on both of you.
What helped me the most was I actually typed out a document in chronological order from my teenage years to now - that helped me get my head around how long I knew I was gay, how I love my wife and family, and where I am today.
I'm gearing up for the kids in a few weeks...
Best of luck - and most importantly - don't be shy on this forum - ask questions - there is a lot of good advice out here from guys and gals who have been here already. BUT - at the end of the day, you know your situation - you know your wife - you know your family.. so it's a personal call.

 

My situation was different all though I was married 22 years with a17 year old and a20 year old. It was different because when my wife and I meet almost 30 years I was out and living as gay man in New York. Then we came close,really close and I discovered some hidden heterosexuality and we married. We had an ok but not passionate sex life that was slowing down. I was losing interest. Then my wife kept asking me for about 2 years why. Did I think I was really gay??? I lied and evaded for a long while until I caved and said "yes, I'm gay."
Then after about a year she asked me to leave and I didn't fight her. The crazy part is that I know my wife partially wanted to be with me because she had terrible experiences with men, including being sexually abused as a child. She felt safe with me and I think was glad to have a more laid back sex life. But, she seems to have forgotten that I was gay when we met. It's like she never heard it before. The mind is a strange thing.
Let me just add that since telling your wife will likely mean a separation, talk to a lawyer and know your rights. She cannot, I repeat, she cannot throw you out. You can agree to leave with a clear written separation agreement. It's awful how many gay men end up leaving their children and have to then be at an undeserved disadvantage in maintaining a relationship.

 

Based on my experience, whether you try and sugar coat it, put a spin on it or go about it directly, your wife will react all the same. She will need to go through her healing process however she needs to progress through it. What I would advise is for you to be as supportive as you can during her healing process while still being true to yourself.

And rest assured, just as you think you see the light at the end of the tunnel, a sharp curve or bottomless drop will seem to come out of nowhere and take you for a ride. Good luck!

 

What would your ideal situation be? Is your marriage (besides this) stable, happy, and fulfilling? It might help to think through a best/worst case scenario to have some idea what to say if she asks what you want/why you are telling her.