Secret love for best friend: now I need some advice.

Alright, so I'll post a little update. I'll give more details later on. It's very late over here right now (5:05 am) so I'll just tell the big stuff.

He's straight. Yup. He really is... It's not mutual. Sorry to disappoint you all, it would be a much cuter story if he were gay for me, too. But... Too bad for me. It's just not mutual. I told him I was in love with him, again in my own silly way. Couldn't pronounce it, really. Half an hour I was searching the courage but he knew all along. "Does it have something to do with last time?" Yes it does. "Is it something between us?" Yeah it is. "I think I already know, then."

Eventually I said: "Well, if you already know, why wouldn't I just say it?" So he looked at me. I pointed towards myself. "I..." and then I pointed my finger towards him.
"With me?" he said.
"Yes," I said.

"Wow, I'm really flattered... I can't do anything back, though ... But I feel flattered." He treated it as if it were the most normal thing in the world. We talked a lot about it that evening. He also asked: "Do you have a hard time because of this?" No no, I lied. He also asked if it would be painful for me to see him kissing with some girl. I said something like "well... I would be happy for ya but yeah, it would probably hurt like hell..."

This was last week. The next day we went to a bar together. He doesn't mind at all that I'm in love with him. In fact, I was playing with a candle on the table with my left hand at one point, and then he started playing with the candle too which made our index fingers touch. He kept touching my finger for over a minute. Well, I thought, at leasy he isn't scared of me.

He's so cute and naive. Today he said to me: "My interpretation was that you just think I'm really cool." Haha, yeah, that's right... Furthermore I would like to suck your dick oktnxbye.

Today was my birth day. He had bought presents. A drone and two coca-cola glassed and some sunglasses. How cute. I love him.

But it's weird. Isn't it? And somewhat awkward... But still normal as if nothing has changed. I love him with all my heart.

Btw july 22th we'll be flying to Mallorca.

And Radiohead is my favourite band. Yesterday I woke up sucking on lemons. If Jimmy didn't exist, I'd be in love with Thom.... Damn, how I love Thom.

Anyway, I'll write some more soon! Bye!

 

No, brainwashed, of course you're not in trouble. The only thing I need is honest feedback and therefore I am only thankful for your share.

What do I want? Well, let me try to answer that question as honest as possible.

I just want a good life. I want to fill my days by doing stuff that's meaningful to me, and having meaningful thoughts. I don't want to be panicking all the time about every little detail in the world. With all this shit with Jimmy, I have really pulled myself inside-out, having used up all the energy within me. Never before have I been so deeply in love with a person as I was now. I was totally obsessed. To me, Jimmy was the most beautiful work of art nature would ever produce and the world would ever know. Out of all these extreme feelings I experienced, I jumped to one conclusion: a life with him is the best life possible, and a life without him, would be the worst life possible. To me, it really was an utopia versus a dystopia. Since the beginning of my strong love for him, my brain got rewinded completely, and a new primary life goal was integrated completely into my mind: to be able to love him and to be loved back by him.

Not only did this primary life goal become more important than all other life goals (e.g. good physical health, creativity, academic success, et cetera), it eventually became THE purpose of my life. All other things in life had become mere side-activities, surrounding Jimmy.

So, I want a good life with good mental health and I thought this would only be possible if my love for him was mutual. However, now I have realized that life is not about concrete things; it's rather about the abstract concept of dealing with reality. Sure, if he would love me back, dealing with reality would be a fantastic experience. But, alas, he doesn't love me in exactly the same way I love him, so dealing with reality is a little harder now.

Perhaps human life can be defined as the combination of mindset and action. Mindset requires a way of dealing with reality and action requires a purpose.

Now that I know, (or at least have given myself the permission to decide that I think that I really know) that he doesn't love me back (in this way), I have to find a new purpose in life to focus on. Subconsciously, I have already been shifting my life purpose away from Jimmy. I'm suddenly focusing on other things, particularly on organizing my life. Just bought a weekly planner for the next study year. I'm all like: when I'm back from Mallorca, everything will have to change. I have to set myself free from my addiction of Jimmy, and let it just be the deep appreciation that it was in the beginning.

I always thought finding out that Jimmy doesn't love me back, would literally kill me. I was so obsessed with him, before telling him the truth. It was as if I was begging nature to let him love me back. Even considering the idea of him not loving me back, I begged nature to maybe rewrite the script, and let him love me, because I thought that if this wouldn't be the case, nature must have made a big mistake by thinking that this would be the way it should be! Love can drive someone really crazy, and it awakened desperate spiritual beliefs inside me. I even thought (even though before my love I wasn't spiritual at all and I didn't believe in all that shit), that perhaps there would be some purpose of life in general after all. I even went out every full moon at night to ask the moon if she could shine my love upon him so he would mirror it or something. Really crazy shit. I've tried everything to let this be the way I thought it should be.

So I was desperate. And I knew I was. And knowing this, it was even more frightening to tell him. But when I did tell him... I just got an honest answer. And I have to deal with that. I realized that I had already been mentally preparing for the dystopia in my mind all along. I think, in all that time that I have been in love with him, all the eighteen months, I have been preparing for the worst outcome. And now this mental preparation comes in pretty handy, because apparently, it doesn't "literally kill me". I'm still here, and you know what, this isn't nearly the dystopia I was so scared of.

Because he does love me. As a friend. A very close friend. He doesn't have any other friends like me. He has some colleagues at work which are friendly. He's got a little brother with whom he hangs out a lot at home. He has his parents. Me. Some other contacts that we both know that were in the same school as we were, which he never actually meets or even has conversations with. As he has said himself (and he doesn't feel completely comfortable admitting this at all times, but when the moment is right, he just does), I am the most important person in his life and he thinks I will always be. We think on the same level, we have the same sense of humour, we share the same interests, and we respect each other very much. We are not completely the same, but where we differ from each other, we complement each other. We are loyal, we always got each other's back, et cetera. Well, isn't that something very beautiful?

Yeah, there are two aspects that I miss, at this moment, because I'm wired to crave for his love. Of course I want to have a sexual relationship with him, and yes, I still fantasize about him in that way. And yes, even now, I noticed that I still feel a little spark of hope that maybe one day he would let me give him a blowjob or something (yeah, I'm being really honest now). But it's not just about the sex. There's also the more sensual emotional part of intimacy. When I see his arm, I just think: wow. Not because it turns me on or something but just because I think it's so sweet and cute and I love him with all he has and I want to hold his hand. I want him to hold my hand. I want to cuddle him. Love him. I want to hear him say: I love you. Blah blah. Romantic shit.

But that's the version of me that is wired to think that the only purpose in life is to love him and to be loved back. And that version still exists, of course - I can't just ban the old me. I have to be honest to myself. And I know, it doesn't feel good knowing that he's not in love with me, but on the other hand it does feel good that he loves me as a friend and that nothing has changed whatsoever.

What I don't want is to let this friendship come to an end. Yeah, when we are in Mallorca, I will be considering the possibility that he will find some girl there. Yeah, I know I am scared of that scenario. I can act like I'm not scared of that but yeah, somewhere in my mind there is this awareness of the possibility. But I want a fun vacation, too, so I'm not going to let this trip be ruined by these kind of thoughts. And if he does find someone, and it does feel very very bad, well, then I will learn from that, because whatever happens, I need to be able to deal with reality.

Dealing with reality is a tough one, because we will never know what happens next. Never. So there's no real purpose in having some strategy. I have been doing all these things in such a strategic way, but life changes all the time and we can't forecast everything that's going to happen. We don't just have to deal with reality as it is now, but also know that everything can change in one small moment. I simply don't know how my future is going to be. Never. Not if he's in love with me, neither if he's not.

Furthermore. My life may not be the fantastic heaven I was hoping for but it's not the disastrous hell I was fearing either. It's all about the mindset and purpose. And now I see myself going back to a purpose that I was chasing before I fell in love: developing myself and enjoying the little things.

And then it is perfectly fine if Jimmy and I remain friends rather than lovers. I just need to be able to deal with that reality.

So..... That's what I want.


As for Jimmy himself: I think he focuses mainly on girls sexually, but maybe he's a little bi-curious, I don't know. Funny detail: I am always the one complaining about labels. About how people always tend to put things into separate boxes, about how people need to categorize everything in order to gain some understanding about things in life, while actually, things can't be perfectly sorted into any kind of categories! Every thing or every human being in the world is different and unique. So, this extreme emphasis on the label gay or bi or straight et cetera, is actually not important to me at all. Though I have made it so important myself by thinking that other people think it's important and thinking that the fact that they think it's important, is important! (Are you still following?) In other words, I have indeed permitted myself to think that such labels are important, even though they're not. Jimmy's reaction proved it to me once more.

He keeps touching me when it's not even necessary. But really. Touching my hand for instance. Not holding it, but just touching it. It's not like we are touching each other all the time but still I am the person with whom he has had the most physical contact ever. I don't want to think about it too much, because it will drive me crazy again. But it is a little confusing yeah, and not to think about it at all is very difficult. But at least I know that he's not scared of me, or grossed out by me, or whatever.

rhamphorhynchus, I like your comparisons to songs very well. I've never really listened to Björk though, but I've listened to Who Is It now, and googled the meaning of the lyrics et cetera and I must say, it's pretty cool music! Maybe I should listen to one of her albums. It's weird music too, but I often listen to the weirdest shit ever, so I think I can handle it haha.

Billy, I have always appreciated your comments in this thread. Thank you for that, and I agree, Jimmy is my soul mate and I am very happy about that. I'll keep you posted for sure. You sound like a great person too.

person57, thank you! I don't know if it's so brave, it felt like the thing to do. But yeah, it wasn't quite easy, lol. It's funny how I never thought I would tell him and now I have.

And about the light relations with women, @brainwashed, I think maybe he's scared of bonding with women in some way or so, I don't know. I have no idea actually. I don't understand it either.