It does look like this ^ is going to happen. It might be an idea to be prepared, and, although this might sound strange, actually be supportive of him telling his father. Don't force the issue, but let him know that you have his back, 100%, completely, and if his dad has a bad reaction then its his problem, not your sons. It might mean arguing with your husband and defending your son - at least until your husband gets over the initial shock. Your son has nothing wrong with him - he's going to have to learn to stand up for himself in life, not hide himself away to avoid confrontation - you can show him how to do that.
hi momof2boys, I am late reacting to this, I do hope that the threat was an empty one and there wasn't true intention behind it - perhaps you even spent mother's day having long and thoughtful discussions with your son. My heart sunk reading your message about the suicide threat, such a painful thing for a parent to experience. My son threatened to kill himself in a middle of a meltdown the day he turned seven - I know now that this is not uncommon for kids that age. But at the time it felt like the world has collapsed, such a shock, I felt utterly out of my depth. Like your son, my son is also a bubbly, lively and loving kid - I could not understand how we could end up in such drama, how I did not see it coming. So I believe I understand exactly how you feel. I do encourage you to take the advices above: take your son to a psychologist instead of going to school this Monday. If the school has got a counselor, start there. Alternatively, call a suicide line for advice, I take it you are in US, I am not familiar with what's available there. Even if you cannot make it to a psychologist soon enough, you have a great rapport with your son (he would not have come to you to say he is gay otherwise). Use the bond you have with him to try and get him to open up to you, share with you what makes him so concerned, what is the source of his unhappiness, get him to offload some of his feelings. At his age, even a small thing like having a crush on another boy may derail him if he is not yet confident and accepting of who he is. Talking to someone that he trusts who can reassure him about what he feels can be a major step forward. A former work colleague went through a similar situation with her daughter and it turned out not to be anything serious. I am hoping the same for your situation, I am optimistic simply because you had such great reaction to him coming out, I am sure your son appreciates that. If you believe your son is very concerned about his dad's reaction, then you need to strongly and categorically reassure him about that ie that his dad will ultimately be accepting even if it might take a little while to get used to his son being gay. No one else can give that reassurance to your son but yourself - and I hope you are in the position to do that. Children have an uncanny ability of understanding the balance of power in a couple and the influence partners have on each other. If you are confident your husband will accept the situation, your son will buy into your confidence and trust the fact that you will take his side. I can't think of anything else right now but will be checking in to see how you're going. I am sending many positive thoughts your way.
I'm so sorry to hear this, I really thought this was going to be an easy ride for you. Does the friend who called the police know he's gay? If not he may have told him different reasons for wanting to die which are factors you should also consider. Like many other 12 year olds I went through a pretty rough patch, it really is the age of discovery and you start to recognise the dynamics of life. When I was 12 I moved into 1st year of Highschool (middle school) and I made friends and one of them had parents who were divorced and up until now I didn't really know such a thing could happen, I just thought parents were forever. So I started picking up on how my parents would argue (like any husband and wife, but at the time I didn't think that) and thought they were going to get divorced. So at that age he will becoming to realise how fragile life is, it can be quite frightening and skew your view of the world. But from personal experience attempting suicide is never down to just one thing, it could be there's other reasons underlying and being gay is just the straw that broke the camel's back. For me the fact I was gay was a huge reason in why I tried, I thought I could never have a family, that my grandmother would disown me (she's 88), I could never join the military, my friends wouldn't want to be around a gay person and just my general thoughts on the perceived implications of being gay. But at the same time also I was dealing with my failed business, my girlfriend leaving me (which forced me to realise I am gay) and many less than pleasant memories from the past. It may upset you that there are more things he may be unhappy with than just being gay, but it is a huge possibility and you should prepare yourself for a professional telling you there is more to it. Contrary to popular belief - kids are very resilient, but there just comes a time when you can't deal with it anymore. I wouldn't go pushing him for many answers just yet, he needs to see someone as the hardest people to talk to are those closest to you.
MomOf2Boys - I am sorry you and your son have had this experience, and I hope you update us on the situation soon. I do not have much to add beyond what Clay and Libra71 wrote, as I agree with both of them completely. To answer your question directly, the answer is yes. Realizing that you are gay, and the implications of it, can cause a great deal of pain and suffering within him. I, myself, attempted suicide at seventeen. You will find that a lot of LGBT people have contemplated suicide or have attempted suicide. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation itself, but rather the surrounding culture. Perhaps the largest effect being in the closet has is a thwarted sense of belonging. This is not the same as being alone. This is about disconnection from other people. When you are keeping a secret like being gay, you are required to hide certain aspects of your life and feelings from others--especially those closest to you. Over time, this may even devolve into lying in an attempt to protect your secret. The longer it goes on, the worse it gets, and eventually you are leading a double life. People do this because they are afraid of being rejected, socially ostracized, or emotionally (or physically) harmed by those that they love. What this leads to is disconnection, the feeling that, even when you are around those that you care about that you can't really connect with them, because they don't even really know you. A feeling that your son might also be feeling at the moment is a perceived sense of burden. He could be worried about causing a rift between you and his father, once he comes out to him. Thus, in his mind, it might be better if his father never finds out. However, he can't un-gay himself, so the only thing left is to take himself out of the picture completely. In this way, he could believe himself doing his family a favor by killing himself, so that they don't have to experience turmoil over his coming out. As others have pointed out, you are at a point where you can't reasonably continue to keep his secret from his father. You need to discuss with him the necessity of telling him and coming out, and I would encourage you to offer to tell him yourself. In other words, tell him that you'll tell his father for him, and that he doesn't have be there when you do. This is actually preferable on your end, this way you have more control over the situation, and once his father knows you both can approach him together to talk and re-enforce love and support. You don't want him to feel like you are forcing him out of the closet. One of the frightening things about coming out is the reality that you are losing control over your secret. The more people you tell, the less control over it you have. This means, inevitability, you are going to be "completely out" this can be extremely scary. This is also why a lot of people drag their feet. So, it is important to explain to him why he has to come out to his father, to remind him of your unconditional support, and try and find some happy middle ground where he feels comfortable. Another thing you want to take into consideration is the fact that he's probably already told friends at school. This could be a major source of conflict for him, especially if one or more of those friends took it poorly or started to tell others. He's young, so he hasn't really developed a serious sense of who he can trust and who he can't yet. So, it's possible that he could be experiencing problems at school. You need to have that conversation with him. Aside from this, he needs support from people who understand what he is feeling and going through. I am unsure what type of support you can tap into where you live, but it's important to remember that EC exists primarily as a resource to help people in his situation. There are lots of people here who will understand what he is feeling and going through, and will give him lots of love and support. I would also recommend an LGBT friendly therapist.
I'm very sorry to hear that. I think wherever he goes to school if you can pull him out. If he's happy around you guys would you consider maybe homeschooling him if you could?
1) Why can't I stop crying? I will absolutely love my son no matter what - so why do I feel so sad and cannot stop crying?? maybe you're afraid of how his life is going to be, or even the impact on your life. it can be a shock for some parents also. perhaps you have some issues you need to work through yourself. I would suggest seeking some confidential support which will enable you to help your son. 2) He asked me not to tell my husband (dad). I told him I promised I wouldn't - I told him that this is his story to tell, not mine. BUT - How can I keep this a secret? When my husband asked me why I was crying in our room, I told him I had a bad day at work. Basically I lied to my husband to protect my son. How long can I do this for? if it were me, I'd have no problem lying to my husband to protect my son. the child must come first, your husband is an adult and is better equipped to deal with you lying to him, than your son is equipped to dealing with betrayal of telling his father. you do not want to damage your relationship or the trust your son has placed in you. he obviously feels safe with you so please try to respect his wishes. 3) Is there ANY possible way he is actually straight and going through a "phase"? yes it is possible, but sometimes children know. I knew at that age. my feelings haven't changed. my feelings actually began much younger, and this is extremely commonly reported by adults of all sexual orientations. as a child these feelings can be more romantic and very innocent attraction, nothing adult. continue being supportive with your son and people here are always happy to help support you. good luck! (*hug*)
Often we LGBTQ people think about our sexuality for a long time before we actually tell anyone. We have had a chance to work through things so that when we do say something to someone, we are somewhat prepared about what we want to say. However, for the person hearing this from us, it might be the first time they have ever considered the possibility. Sometimes the reaction is not so good partly because of the surprise or shock. Everyone is not as grounded to react like mom - your son is lucky. I don't think that we should be quick to judge parents who don't respond so positively initially. Some times the reaction is emotionally charged but not a rejection. It has to do (I think) with the overwhelming emotions of parents to keep their children safe, happy, and that parents expect that they can be supportive to their children always. Parents can settle down with time, support, and information so we as LGBTQ need to offer time and support not shut out our parents. It's great that a conversation has started and so long as the door remains open (even a crack) and people feel able to speak their mind, there is more chance for a positive outcome. There is nothing bad here that requires "sorry" just an emotionally charged situation.
